Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

CHARLESTON – True equity and equality for all people, regardless of skin color, religion, creed, or any other characteristic, was finally achieved today in Charleston as a flag outside of the South Carolina state house will be taken down, per the law passed by the governing body of the state. “I’m just so excited,” said one man camping outside of the state house to witness history. “Now that the Confederate flag won’t fly outside of the state house, all prejudice and bigotry will cease to exist! I can’t wait for post-race America!” “This is the single most significant thing that has ever happened to…

SEATTLE – An out-of-office email message recently extracted from the depths of a Microsoft Outlook account revealed the once-flourishing social calendar and zest for life of an ancient office worker. “This find represents a unique glimpse into the life of the average mid-tier office worker at the turn of the century,” said anthropologist James Williams about the long-forgotten message, originally dated March 13, 2003. “Hey Team,” the message reads. “I’ll be out of the office on Jim’s bachelor party ’til next Tuesday, then it’s straight to the department happy hour! If you need anything right away, you can email Sue. Thanks! – Zack”…

CHICAGO – With garbage cans left unemptied, police stations vacant and office towers around the city abandoned, the streets of Chicago are eerily desolate as a cold wind blows off Lake Michigan, chilling the summer air. As 27-year-old Monica Keppler steps out to greet the day, she is hit with a stark realization: she is the last person in the entire city who is not performing improvisational comedy with an improv troupe or even participating in an improv workshop. “I would always try to make plans with people only to have them decline because they had rehearsal or a show,” Keppler…

WASHINGTON – Tragedy struck today as laugh riots around the world grew out of control in response to International Joke Day. Some reports claim the trouble started as early as 2 a.m. GMT in London, as quiet chuckles slowly built to violent fits of laughter, while other sources claim the issue began in Boston-area comedy clubs and moved west. All told, the laugh riots have left an estimated 370 dead and more than 500 injured. One Chicago comic, who wished to remain anonymous, reportedly witnessed one of the laugh riots as it began. “Some cut-up was on stage doing his normal…

CLEVELAND, Ohio – Describing it as a paradigm shift in hand-slap-based human communication, researchers at Case Western Reserve University announced today that all cultural evidence indicates that low-fives have replaced high-fives as the preferred greeting among jubilant family members, friends, teammates and coworkers. Some have expressed concern, however, that by going down low, society may soon run the risk of being too slow.

SPOKANE, Wash. – Local environmental activist and Bigfoot hunter Charles “Chaz” Heckney is facing three counts of aggravated assault after a fight over his son’s Little League baseball game ended with Heckney brutally injuring three of the other baseball players’ fathers last Tuesday. “His son was called out on a close play, and Chaz didn’t like the call, so he just went ballistic,” said one concerned parent who was at the game during the alleged beating. “One guy tried to intervene when Chaz was losing it on the umpire – he lost several teeth.” Heckney, out of jail now on bond,…

LONG ISLAND CITY, New York – Executives at JetBlue were distraught today as they discovered that a flight’s generous legroom had been wasted on a short-legged child. The low-cost airline prides itself on the 34 inches of legroom they provide economy-class passengers, a full two inches above the U.S. national average. “We’ve spent millions of dollars to make sure our passengers have the most legroom of any economy flight passengers,” said Vice President of Customer Experience, Joanna Geraghty, speaking from the JetBlue corporate headquarters in Queens. “I’m torn up to hear that we lost that legroom to some under-sized punk.” “What really gets…

EVANSTON, Ill. – Ecologists from Northwestern University announced today that a “totally gross looking” new fish has been discovered in the ocean deep. While the discovery of a fish at such depths is unusual, the team theorizes that it was “presumably relegated to the shadowy depths by other, less hideous, fish.” “This is a spectacular scientific discovery that has substantially furthered our understanding of how gross-looking fish can be,” said lead researcher John T. Lauder. “Most fish are already pretty revolting,” he added. “But this one makes even the gulf toadfish look like the belle of the ball.” Another researcher, Fred MacIver, took measurements and photographs of the species,…

CLINTON, Ind. – Fatigued, sore and without much of an appetite from the chemotherapy, terminally ill Nicholas Becker celebrated his seventh birthday Tuesday at St. Thomas Children’s Hospital with a vanilla Superman cake. Working under the assumption that this would somehow empower their ailing son, Nicholas’ parents paid no attention to the comparison being made by their cake as they enthusiastically cheered and clapped for him as they sang “Happy Birthday.” After singing, Nicholas struggled to summon the air to blow out his candles. Meanwhile, Superman has freeze breath and can inhale and exhale tornadoes with the greatest of ease. Eventually, Nicholas…