Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

CRAWFORD, Texas – Rodrigo Sanchez, a retired rancher and “lifelong Texan,” launched his presidential campaign on Tuesday, seeking to stand out in an already crowded GOP primary race. “They said it couldn’t be done before, but when I ran for the board of the Texas Ranchers’ Union, I started out at the back of the pack and proved them wrong,” Sanchez said. “We did it before, and we’ll do it again!” “The country right now is on a very bad course. What our party and our country need right now is strong leadership, and that’s something I know I can provide.…

WASHINGTON – Stating that it was “a long time coming” and “the obvious thing to do,” President Obama decreed today that all U.S. flags would indefinitely remain at half-staff. At a press conference, the president clarified the decision. “Following the shooting at Lafayette, so soon after Chattanooga, which itself came on the heels of the tragedy at Charleston, which was preceded by Isla Vista and the second Fort Hood shooting…of course there was D.C. and Santa Monica, Newtown, Brookfield, Minneapolis…Oak Creek and Aurora…there’s really no reason to kid ourselves.” The president also questioned the logic of raising the flag during…

ST. LOUIS – According to sources, forklift operator Nick Traber slid an exceptionally hot wiener into his mouth today. Right around lunchtime, a co-worker named Ed brought over the plump and juicy wiener and asked if Traber would like to put his mouth around it. Traber, muscles rock-hard and glistening with sweat from a long day on the job, obliged, and the two burly men made little conversation as Traber inhaled the hot and delectable wiener right into his tremendously moist hole. “I didn’t expect to be getting my hands on a wiener – especially not one this fat – today, but…

PITTSBURGH – A shocking new study released by the University of Pittsburgh on Tuesday claims that up to 75% of the Tyrannosaurus rex diet was composed of time-traveling scientists, tourists and lost space crews. This revolutionary finding is expected to completely upend current theories about the evolution of the cretaceous theropod. “For many years we’ve seen the T-Rex as an apex predator that evolved to hunt other dinosaurs,” said Dr. Julie Murphy, a researcher on the project. “But the number of New Balance sneakers and fanny packs we’ve found in the stomachs of specimen subjects has made it overwhelmingly clear that this dinosaur evolved to fit…

WASHINGTON – Pluto released a statement today pleading for privacy and calm from the media after NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft’s recent photo frenzy flyby caught pictures of the planet with its figurative pants down. “I’m asking for privacy as I collect and figure out my life,” said Pluto in a written statement. “I was not ready to receive the attention that I’m currently receiving, nor was I asked. The least NASA could have done was warn me. They had ten years.” NASA and the U.S. Administration consider the New Horizons spacecraft, which has now taken pictures of one of the…

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. – A smart aleck little rascal got himself into a right fine mess this morning, according to early reports. “I ain’t too surprised,” said a bystander close to the wise guy’s situation. “That instigator is a loose cannon and a real weasel. It’s about time the prankster found himself in some hot water.” Sources indicate that the mischief-maker done goofed big and is way up the creek on this one.

SYRACUSE, N.Y. – According to a revealing new report published Friday by researchers at Syracuse University, people are unable to tell the difference between factual headlines and completely made-up nonsense. “It’s astounding,” said Dr. Tonya McClure, the lead researcher of the study. “Across all demographics and political ideologies, humans are universally terrible at making even the most basic distinctions between reality and nonsense. Honestly, the results depressed me.” McClure and her team showed subjects a collection of headlines that consisted equally of genuine news stories and totally goofball jokes. Almost no one was able to do better than 35%. The only notable exception was…

CHARLESTON – True equity and equality for all people, regardless of skin color, religion, creed, or any other characteristic, was finally achieved today in Charleston as a flag outside of the South Carolina state house will be taken down, per the law passed by the governing body of the state. “I’m just so excited,” said one man camping outside of the state house to witness history. “Now that the Confederate flag won’t fly outside of the state house, all prejudice and bigotry will cease to exist! I can’t wait for post-race America!” “This is the single most significant thing that has ever happened to…

SEATTLE – An out-of-office email message recently extracted from the depths of a Microsoft Outlook account revealed the once-flourishing social calendar and zest for life of an ancient office worker. “This find represents a unique glimpse into the life of the average mid-tier office worker at the turn of the century,” said anthropologist James Williams about the long-forgotten message, originally dated March 13, 2003. “Hey Team,” the message reads. “I’ll be out of the office on Jim’s bachelor party ’til next Tuesday, then it’s straight to the department happy hour! If you need anything right away, you can email Sue. Thanks! – Zack”…

CHICAGO – With garbage cans left unemptied, police stations vacant and office towers around the city abandoned, the streets of Chicago are eerily desolate as a cold wind blows off Lake Michigan, chilling the summer air. As 27-year-old Monica Keppler steps out to greet the day, she is hit with a stark realization: she is the last person in the entire city who is not performing improvisational comedy with an improv troupe or even participating in an improv workshop. “I would always try to make plans with people only to have them decline because they had rehearsal or a show,” Keppler…