Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

MAYFIELD VILLAGE, Ohio – Progressive Insurance is moving on from its famous salesperson mascot Flo, but not without the help of the company’s loyal customers and fans. With the sponsored campaign #HowShouldFloDie, Progressive will allow fans to decide how Flo will meet her demise. “Like our world-renowned Name Your Price® tool, which allows customers to find the perfect insurance package for their budget, we’re giving them the power to choose Flo’s death,” said Jeff Charney, Chief Marketing Officer at Progressive. “We believe this will open us up to a brand-new avenue of fan connectivity and value-based interaction.” Fans simply have…

ANN ARBOR, Mich. – Though the school year has just started, the Greenfield High School drama club has already met all the goals for its first fundraiser of the year! The school’s famous Big Bake Sale and Cakewalk Extravaganza went off without a hitch and the kids were extra excited to help out this year when they found out the proceeds were going to buy a new fuck couch for the drama club. “When I found out they were raising money to replace the couch in the prop loft that we all have sex on, I signed up to help right away,”…

In a shocking revelation, the entire teaching and administrative staff of Wayside School was arrested earlier this morning on a seemingly endless number of child endangerment counts. The investigation into Wayside began when officials noticed the school building was 30 stories tall with a single classroom on each floor. The building has already collapsed under its own weight once before, which, according to experts, does not foster the best kind of learning environment. The worst offender appears to be Mrs. Jewls, who teaches class on the 30th floor. She is being charged with a staggering 435 counts of child endangerment,…

MANCHESTER, N.H. – Just days after Donald Trump told children he was Batman, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced to a group of children that he was, in fact, the superhero Blade after being asked by a young boy. “Yeah I’m Blade, sure,” Sanders said, referring to the half-human, half-vampire African-American vampire hunter. “Which should come as absolutely no surprise to anyone.” Standing at the podium, the frail, old and blatantly white Sanders continued to reassure the crowd that he was the sword-wielding supernatural protector of humanity. “If you look back, I have always fought for the working class and for the…

The debate has been raging over the use of deadly force by police officers, but for one small city in Wisconsin, the fight has just started. A recent bill passed by the city council meant to clarify the acceptable use of deadly force by police officers has accidentally muddied the waters by making it legal for officers to use deadly farce in extreme situations. While policy analysts suspect a typo, many council members have denied any chance of an accidental misspelling making it through a vote. “I’ve been in politics a long time,” said Samuel Cunningham, a fifth-term council member. “And mistakes like…

PAWTUCKET, R.I. – Toy and board game company Hasbro has been faced with an onslaught of lawsuits from parents over the sale of Ouija boards, which the company markets as a way to communicate with the dead and open a portal to a realm beyond our own. “It is absolutely irresponsible that they would market such a dangerous item to our children,” said Margaret Sampson, one of the many parents claiming damages from Hasbro after the Ouija board she purchased unleashed a demonic spirit that caused blood to run down the walls of her home. “Not only were the kids terrified, but…

BOSTON – In response to serious allegations by his father and mother, 14-year-old Aaron Seymour held a press conference earlier today claiming in no uncertain terms that he would never turn out anything like his parents. “They are just lame hypocrites,” Seymour said. “They act like they’re so perfect and never do anything wrong, and then slam me for everything that I do. When I have kids, I’ll never be like that. I’ll be different.” Seymour also cited his parents’ inability to balance a budget as a source of woes for the household. While he maintained he would do a better…

CLEVELAND – Local man James McCrae is being lauded for just getting out of bed and attaining some semblance of a normal life in this chaotic shuffle we call existence. “It defies logic,” says the 35-year-old and anyone who has ever thought about his or her own place on this earth. “Why would a human being continue living, let alone go to work or take care of themselves? Wars everywhere. Death. Destruction. The earth is going to burn up in the sun eventually. Donald Trump is ahead in the polls. How can anything have meaning?” While sentient life has had its…