Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

MANCHESTER, N.H. – Just days after Donald Trump told children he was Batman, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced to a group of children that he was, in fact, the superhero Blade after being asked by a young boy. “Yeah I’m Blade, sure,” Sanders said, referring to the half-human, half-vampire African-American vampire hunter. “Which should come as absolutely no surprise to anyone.” Standing at the podium, the frail, old and blatantly white Sanders continued to reassure the crowd that he was the sword-wielding supernatural protector of humanity. “If you look back, I have always fought for the working class and for the…

The debate has been raging over the use of deadly force by police officers, but for one small city in Wisconsin, the fight has just started. A recent bill passed by the city council meant to clarify the acceptable use of deadly force by police officers has accidentally muddied the waters by making it legal for officers to use deadly farce in extreme situations. While policy analysts suspect a typo, many council members have denied any chance of an accidental misspelling making it through a vote. “I’ve been in politics a long time,” said Samuel Cunningham, a fifth-term council member. “And mistakes like…

PAWTUCKET, R.I. – Toy and board game company Hasbro has been faced with an onslaught of lawsuits from parents over the sale of Ouija boards, which the company markets as a way to communicate with the dead and open a portal to a realm beyond our own. “It is absolutely irresponsible that they would market such a dangerous item to our children,” said Margaret Sampson, one of the many parents claiming damages from Hasbro after the Ouija board she purchased unleashed a demonic spirit that caused blood to run down the walls of her home. “Not only were the kids terrified, but…

BOSTON – In response to serious allegations by his father and mother, 14-year-old Aaron Seymour held a press conference earlier today claiming in no uncertain terms that he would never turn out anything like his parents. “They are just lame hypocrites,” Seymour said. “They act like they’re so perfect and never do anything wrong, and then slam me for everything that I do. When I have kids, I’ll never be like that. I’ll be different.” Seymour also cited his parents’ inability to balance a budget as a source of woes for the household. While he maintained he would do a better…

CLEVELAND – Local man James McCrae is being lauded for just getting out of bed and attaining some semblance of a normal life in this chaotic shuffle we call existence. “It defies logic,” says the 35-year-old and anyone who has ever thought about his or her own place on this earth. “Why would a human being continue living, let alone go to work or take care of themselves? Wars everywhere. Death. Destruction. The earth is going to burn up in the sun eventually. Donald Trump is ahead in the polls. How can anything have meaning?” While sentient life has had its…

NEW YORK CITY – Once known for its “Must-See TV” Thursdays and a long line of successful sitcoms, NBC is now making some big changes. Not only did NBC shock broadcast insiders and fans alike when it failed to put any notable comedies on the fall 2016 programming schedule, but the network revealed it had one more surprise up its sleeve Wednesday, as the entire lineup – save for Sunday Night Football – has been replaced by videos of bum fights. “As our ratings continue to decline, we’ve come to admit that we have no idea what you animals want,” NBC chairman Robert Greenblatt…

CRAWFORD, Texas – Rodrigo Sanchez, a retired rancher and “lifelong Texan,” launched his presidential campaign on Tuesday, seeking to stand out in an already crowded GOP primary race. “They said it couldn’t be done before, but when I ran for the board of the Texas Ranchers’ Union, I started out at the back of the pack and proved them wrong,” Sanchez said. “We did it before, and we’ll do it again!” “The country right now is on a very bad course. What our party and our country need right now is strong leadership, and that’s something I know I can provide.…

WASHINGTON – Stating that it was “a long time coming” and “the obvious thing to do,” President Obama decreed today that all U.S. flags would indefinitely remain at half-staff. At a press conference, the president clarified the decision. “Following the shooting at Lafayette, so soon after Chattanooga, which itself came on the heels of the tragedy at Charleston, which was preceded by Isla Vista and the second Fort Hood shooting…of course there was D.C. and Santa Monica, Newtown, Brookfield, Minneapolis…Oak Creek and Aurora…there’s really no reason to kid ourselves.” The president also questioned the logic of raising the flag during…