Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

SCOTLAND – The Loch Ness Monster, noted cryptid, died today at the age of 1,465 after overdosing on barbiturates. The Monster, often the target of crazed fans and paparazzi, had long struggled with addiction, as depicted on season three of Celebrity Rehab. After ballooning to nearly three tons and going through a strange, Chris Gaines period in the ’90s, the Monster had recently attempted to get sober. Tragically, these efforts were in vain. The Monster leaves behind three hatchlings, seven gift shops full of cheap Scottish trinkets and fourteen rotting logs which, if you look just right, might also be monsters.…

GLEN CANYON, Ariz. – Dr. Britney Williams discovered a previously unknown species of dinosaur fossils while digging in the desert Wednesday morning, and named the new species Shortschlongasaurus in honor of her ex-husband. The animal lived in the Cretaceous Period and could grow to be over 15 meters in length, according to the recently divorced paleontologist. “You would think that since this dinosaur is so big, it would have proportionately sized genitalia, but that is simply not the case,” Williams said. “When I realized that, a name instantly came to mind.” New species of dinosaurs are not often discovered, and even less…

BAVARIA, Germany – Saying it came as quite a shock, a pterodactyl recently learned it’s not actually a dinosaur, a fact that has caused increased stress and depression for the creature. “I don’t really know what to say,” the pterodactyl said. “You live your whole life believing in something only to find out it’s a lie. So I’m a ‘pterosaur,’ huh? Whoopie. There goes 65 million years of brand recognition.” The pterodactyl said it learned of the issue after Googling the upcoming release of Jurassic World, the newest installment in the popular Jurassic Park franchise. “With the new movie and all…

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah – Today, a particle of pure light and energy, born mere moments after the heavens themselves were created, completed an historic 14 billion-year trip through time and space by landing safely and squarely on a freshly laid, and still steaming, dog turd. Emmett, a four-year-old Jack Russell Terrier, had the honor of producing and distributing the poop for the once-in-a-lifetime cosmic event, and at press time was celebrating by knocking over his owner’s trash can and chewing on a nine-day-old rotisserie chicken.

ZURICH – With the arrest of several high-ranking FIFA officials this week, sports fans around the world have breathed a collective sigh of relief knowing that corruption has finally been eliminated from professional athletic competitions. “I’m just glad they finally got the guys,” said Bob Smithers, an avid American football enthusiast. “It’s nice to know we don’t have to wonder about the legitimacy of the outcomes of games and stuff.” A senior U.S. Department of Justice official – who spoke on the condition of anonymity – revealed that he and other officials were elated with the indictments’ global reach. “We…

Despite working in a field that lacks an award-granting academy or a set of guidelines making it possible to fairly compare his work to others’ in his field, managing director Craig Morris’s desk is a veritable smorgasbord of awards, trophies, plaques and medals. “I see myself as a pretty humble guy, so I don’t usually like to brag about my awards. Once I’ve won one, I just put it out on my desk and let the trophy do the talking,” Morris said. Though Morris may not like to talk about it, his award-winning work hasn’t gone unnoticed by his colleagues. “It’s an…

INDIANAPOLIS – Memorial Day is a holiday steeped in tradition. Parades, cookouts, saluting those who served. For the Hutcherson Family, it also means Grandpa Jim’s annual reenactment of the Normandy invasion using hot dogs. “It’s really easy to lose sight of what the holiday is all about,” Greg Hutcherson, Jim’s son, said. “But nothing really drives home the magnitude of the sacrifice the brave men who served this country made like having grilled meat stand in for them while we pretend the picnic table is a beach.” Grandpa Jim’s reenactments have become more elaborate over the years. What started as just…

MONTVILLE, Ore. – They say a dog is man’s best friend – at least, that’s how it’s supposed to be. But Dan Gertheim has been having trouble with that idea lately, as he can’t shake the feeling that his six-year-old pup Ruffles has been harboring some ulterior motives against him. For the past year, Ruffles has been making unrelenting and direct eye contact with Gertheim every time he defecates. “It’s been unnerving to say the least,” Gertheim said. “I try to look away and give him some privacy, but I always come back to his stare, always locking eyes with me. I’ve…

NEW YORK CITY – Lady Liberty has a new roommate in New York Harbor and visitors are already lining up to see the odd couple! A statue commemorating the dedication and virtue of living statues everywhere has been erected next to many performers’ favorite muse – Lady Liberty Herself. A statue honoring people pretending to be statues has long been in the works, but only recently did the movement gather steam after the retirement of the greatest living statue performer of all time – Julio Marquez, who shattered tourists’ concepts of reality everywhere from New York and Las Vegas to other international hot spots.…

WASHINGTON – The sound of laughter and the smell of warm mayonnaise drift through the park on this beautiful spring day. It is, of course, Cinco de Mayo, and children all across the country are celebrating with traditional mayo squirt gun fights and mayo-filled piñatas while their parents kick back with a few quiet mayoritas, the mayonnaise margaritas people delight in this time of year. While the holiday may have originally started as a celebration to commemorate the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862, the day was quickly co-opted and adapted for Americans, and…