Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah – Today, a particle of pure light and energy, born mere moments after the heavens themselves were created, completed an historic 14 billion-year trip through time and space by landing safely and squarely on a freshly laid, and still steaming, dog turd. Emmett, a four-year-old Jack Russell Terrier, had the honor of producing and distributing the poop for the once-in-a-lifetime cosmic event, and at press time was celebrating by knocking over his owner’s trash can and chewing on a nine-day-old rotisserie chicken.

ZURICH – With the arrest of several high-ranking FIFA officials this week, sports fans around the world have breathed a collective sigh of relief knowing that corruption has finally been eliminated from professional athletic competitions. “I’m just glad they finally got the guys,” said Bob Smithers, an avid American football enthusiast. “It’s nice to know we don’t have to wonder about the legitimacy of the outcomes of games and stuff.” A senior U.S. Department of Justice official – who spoke on the condition of anonymity – revealed that he and other officials were elated with the indictments’ global reach. “We…

Despite working in a field that lacks an award-granting academy or a set of guidelines making it possible to fairly compare his work to others’ in his field, managing director Craig Morris’s desk is a veritable smorgasbord of awards, trophies, plaques and medals. “I see myself as a pretty humble guy, so I don’t usually like to brag about my awards. Once I’ve won one, I just put it out on my desk and let the trophy do the talking,” Morris said. Though Morris may not like to talk about it, his award-winning work hasn’t gone unnoticed by his colleagues. “It’s an…

INDIANAPOLIS – Memorial Day is a holiday steeped in tradition. Parades, cookouts, saluting those who served. For the Hutcherson Family, it also means Grandpa Jim’s annual reenactment of the Normandy invasion using hot dogs. “It’s really easy to lose sight of what the holiday is all about,” Greg Hutcherson, Jim’s son, said. “But nothing really drives home the magnitude of the sacrifice the brave men who served this country made like having grilled meat stand in for them while we pretend the picnic table is a beach.” Grandpa Jim’s reenactments have become more elaborate over the years. What started as just…

MONTVILLE, Ore. – They say a dog is man’s best friend – at least, that’s how it’s supposed to be. But Dan Gertheim has been having trouble with that idea lately, as he can’t shake the feeling that his six-year-old pup Ruffles has been harboring some ulterior motives against him. For the past year, Ruffles has been making unrelenting and direct eye contact with Gertheim every time he defecates. “It’s been unnerving to say the least,” Gertheim said. “I try to look away and give him some privacy, but I always come back to his stare, always locking eyes with me. I’ve…

NEW YORK CITY – Lady Liberty has a new roommate in New York Harbor and visitors are already lining up to see the odd couple! A statue commemorating the dedication and virtue of living statues everywhere has been erected next to many performers’ favorite muse – Lady Liberty Herself. A statue honoring people pretending to be statues has long been in the works, but only recently did the movement gather steam after the retirement of the greatest living statue performer of all time – Julio Marquez, who shattered tourists’ concepts of reality everywhere from New York and Las Vegas to other international hot spots.…

WASHINGTON – The sound of laughter and the smell of warm mayonnaise drift through the park on this beautiful spring day. It is, of course, Cinco de Mayo, and children all across the country are celebrating with traditional mayo squirt gun fights and mayo-filled piñatas while their parents kick back with a few quiet mayoritas, the mayonnaise margaritas people delight in this time of year. While the holiday may have originally started as a celebration to commemorate the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862, the day was quickly co-opted and adapted for Americans, and…

ATLANTA, Ga. – Warning of an impending public health crisis, the CDC stated today that the nation’s grade schools are dangerously unprepared for a new strain of cooties, or cootilciosis acroalgia. “Make no mistake about it, this is the worst strain of cooties we’ve seen in nearly seventy years. And I’m talking boy and girl cooties,” CDC Director Tomas Frieden said. According to the agency, this new virulent cooties strain makes subjects “super gross and smelly,” giving them “fart breath” and “snot faces.” Prolonged exposure to the virus can make subjects listless, rendering them incapacitated for games of Tag or Red…

PAINESVILLE, Ohio – The forests and woods around Painesville will be getting a breath of fresh air today, as the town’s coal fueled power plant followed up its generous Earth Day donation with another 10,000 tons of carbon dioxide to celebrate Arbor Day. “We value our local environment,” said plant manager Brant Hughes. “And we know trees just love our 100% recycled CO2.” Hughes then concluded by publicly thanking Congress and city officials for making this donation possible through their tax write-off program.

WASHINGTON – For today’s 4/20 celebration, High Times magazine representatives presented the White House with a ceremonial bong for the annual pardon. Beginning in 1977, each president since Jimmy Carter has pardoned a bong on April 20th in an event that’s become a time-honored tradition. Though the modern bong pardoning attracts a wealth of celebrities and speakers, the original ceremony was sparsely attended with only Rosalynn Carter, some secret service agents and Willie Nelson in attendance. Speaking at the event, President Obama declared the oversized bong “a real beaut.” “Though Dr. Stankenstein is dangerously dank, his crimes are hereby absolved,”…