Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

CHICAGO – With garbage cans left unemptied, police stations vacant and office towers around the city abandoned, the streets of Chicago are eerily desolate as a cold wind blows off Lake Michigan, chilling the summer air. As 27-year-old Monica Keppler steps out to greet the day, she is hit with a stark realization: she is the last person in the entire city who is not performing improvisational comedy with an improv troupe or even participating in an improv workshop. “I would always try to make plans with people only to have them decline because they had rehearsal or a show,” Keppler…

WASHINGTON – Tragedy struck today as laugh riots around the world grew out of control in response to International Joke Day. Some reports claim the trouble started as early as 2 a.m. GMT in London, as quiet chuckles slowly built to violent fits of laughter, while other sources claim the issue began in Boston-area comedy clubs and moved west. All told, the laugh riots have left an estimated 370 dead and more than 500 injured. One Chicago comic, who wished to remain anonymous, reportedly witnessed one of the laugh riots as it began. “Some cut-up was on stage doing his normal…

CLEVELAND, Ohio – Describing it as a paradigm shift in hand-slap-based human communication, researchers at Case Western Reserve University announced today that all cultural evidence indicates that low-fives have replaced high-fives as the preferred greeting among jubilant family members, friends, teammates and coworkers. Some have expressed concern, however, that by going down low, society may soon run the risk of being too slow.

SPOKANE, Wash. – Local environmental activist and Bigfoot hunter Charles “Chaz” Heckney is facing three counts of aggravated assault after a fight over his son’s Little League baseball game ended with Heckney brutally injuring three of the other baseball players’ fathers last Tuesday. “His son was called out on a close play, and Chaz didn’t like the call, so he just went ballistic,” said one concerned parent who was at the game during the alleged beating. “One guy tried to intervene when Chaz was losing it on the umpire – he lost several teeth.” Heckney, out of jail now on bond,…

LONG ISLAND CITY, New York – Executives at JetBlue were distraught today as they discovered that a flight’s generous legroom had been wasted on a short-legged child. The low-cost airline prides itself on the 34 inches of legroom they provide economy-class passengers, a full two inches above the U.S. national average. “We’ve spent millions of dollars to make sure our passengers have the most legroom of any economy flight passengers,” said Vice President of Customer Experience, Joanna Geraghty, speaking from the JetBlue corporate headquarters in Queens. “I’m torn up to hear that we lost that legroom to some under-sized punk.” “What really gets…

EVANSTON, Ill. – Ecologists from Northwestern University announced today that a “totally gross looking” new fish has been discovered in the ocean deep. While the discovery of a fish at such depths is unusual, the team theorizes that it was “presumably relegated to the shadowy depths by other, less hideous, fish.” “This is a spectacular scientific discovery that has substantially furthered our understanding of how gross-looking fish can be,” said lead researcher John T. Lauder. “Most fish are already pretty revolting,” he added. “But this one makes even the gulf toadfish look like the belle of the ball.” Another researcher, Fred MacIver, took measurements and photographs of the species,…

CLINTON, Ind. – Fatigued, sore and without much of an appetite from the chemotherapy, terminally ill Nicholas Becker celebrated his seventh birthday Tuesday at St. Thomas Children’s Hospital with a vanilla Superman cake. Working under the assumption that this would somehow empower their ailing son, Nicholas’ parents paid no attention to the comparison being made by their cake as they enthusiastically cheered and clapped for him as they sang “Happy Birthday.” After singing, Nicholas struggled to summon the air to blow out his candles. Meanwhile, Superman has freeze breath and can inhale and exhale tornadoes with the greatest of ease. Eventually, Nicholas…

SCOTLAND – The Loch Ness Monster, noted cryptid, died today at the age of 1,465 after overdosing on barbiturates. The Monster, often the target of crazed fans and paparazzi, had long struggled with addiction, as depicted on season three of Celebrity Rehab. After ballooning to nearly three tons and going through a strange, Chris Gaines period in the ’90s, the Monster had recently attempted to get sober. Tragically, these efforts were in vain. The Monster leaves behind three hatchlings, seven gift shops full of cheap Scottish trinkets and fourteen rotting logs which, if you look just right, might also be monsters.…

GLEN CANYON, Ariz. – Dr. Britney Williams discovered a previously unknown species of dinosaur fossils while digging in the desert Wednesday morning, and named the new species Shortschlongasaurus in honor of her ex-husband. The animal lived in the Cretaceous Period and could grow to be over 15 meters in length, according to the recently divorced paleontologist. “You would think that since this dinosaur is so big, it would have proportionately sized genitalia, but that is simply not the case,” Williams said. “When I realized that, a name instantly came to mind.” New species of dinosaurs are not often discovered, and even less…