Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

ATLANTA, Ga. – Warning of an impending public health crisis, the CDC stated today that the nation’s grade schools are dangerously unprepared for a new strain of cooties, or cootilciosis acroalgia. “Make no mistake about it, this is the worst strain of cooties we’ve seen in nearly seventy years. And I’m talking boy and girl cooties,” CDC Director Tomas Frieden said. According to the agency, this new virulent cooties strain makes subjects “super gross and smelly,” giving them “fart breath” and “snot faces.” Prolonged exposure to the virus can make subjects listless, rendering them incapacitated for games of Tag or Red…

PAINESVILLE, Ohio – The forests and woods around Painesville will be getting a breath of fresh air today, as the town’s coal fueled power plant followed up its generous Earth Day donation with another 10,000 tons of carbon dioxide to celebrate Arbor Day. “We value our local environment,” said plant manager Brant Hughes. “And we know trees just love our 100% recycled CO2.” Hughes then concluded by publicly thanking Congress and city officials for making this donation possible through their tax write-off program.

WASHINGTON – For today’s 4/20 celebration, High Times magazine representatives presented the White House with a ceremonial bong for the annual pardon. Beginning in 1977, each president since Jimmy Carter has pardoned a bong on April 20th in an event that’s become a time-honored tradition. Though the modern bong pardoning attracts a wealth of celebrities and speakers, the original ceremony was sparsely attended with only Rosalynn Carter, some secret service agents and Willie Nelson in attendance. Speaking at the event, President Obama declared the oversized bong “a real beaut.” “Though Dr. Stankenstein is dangerously dank, his crimes are hereby absolved,”…

JACKSON, Miss. – Singing, dancing, having fun and remembering history were some of the reasons people came together today at Lee Elementary School to celebrate the 150th Anniversary of President Abraham Lincoln’s assassination. The school was also required to celebrate Emancipation Day. Members of the PTO, school administration and the United Daughters of the Confederacy put on the event to help the community remember their wonderful past. Among the day’s events was a breakfast with a special appearance by the school mascot, Confederate Carl, a fair featuring a John Wilkes Kissing Booth, and a two-hour evening lecture discussing the costs and benefits of the emancipation…

HAYSVILLE, Kan. – It was reported this week that despite a young woman’s interest in an 8700 Series Row Crop Massey Ferguson tractor, the tractor in question did not return her affections. “My owner, Jason Larrick, told me she thought I was sexy, I guess, and I turn her on. But I’m just not interested,” the tractor said. “If I’m going to be honest about it, I find the whole idea sort of repulsive. I’m interested in female tractors, not women, and if this lady’s all about me I’m wondering if she has something wrong with her.” This isn’t the…

DURHAM, N.C. – After winning his fifth NCAA championship, sources learned that Duke Blue Devils coach Mike Krzyzewski returned to Hell to take out a second mortgage on his soul. Krzyzewski previously sold his soul in 1990, after Duke lost in the championship game to UNLV. The now-hated Blue Devils then beat Kansas for the national title in the next season, one of five championships for which the coach surrendered his eternal being. The initial mortgage also included a stipulation that Krzyzewski would become the first college basketball coach to win 1,000 games, which was achieved this past season. But mere hours after cutting down…

INDIANAPOLIS – In what many are calling an overreaction to the recent backlash against the controversial Religious Freedom Restoration Act, the Indiana Office of Tourism Development has proposed a state-wide rebranding initiative known as “SINdiana.” “With our SINdiana campaign, we want to let visitors know that despite what you may have heard on the news, Indiana is accepting of all lifestyles. Whether you’re in town for the the non-stop excitement of the Indianapolis 500 or a quiet weekend in Amish country, we encourage you to explore your most base desires and decadent wishes,” said Mark Newman, Executive Director Indiana Office of Tourism Development. The…

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. – Despite living in the current comedy landscape and marveling at the technological advances of today, local man Zach Huffman feels the time is right to become a prop comic. “With YouTube and the explosion of social media, it’s now easier than ever for prop comedy to reach a broad audience.” said Huffman. “There is just so much potential.” Though he has every opportunity to learn about the field and do anything else with his comedy career, Huffman is planning to upload a new video to YouTube each day that will contain antics such as pretending a water bottle is…

SAN FRANCISCO – Following the stunning conclusion to the main event of WrestleMania 31, which featured Seth Rollins cashing in his Money in the Bank briefcase to win the World Heavyweight Championship over Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar, area man Jonathan Tramble’s Monday has been absolutely ruined. Tramble, a married 31-year-old marketing manager who owns a house, has a family and so much to live for, was devastated Sunday night after the WWE writers denied Lesnar the opportunity to retain his title. For the fan of the Beast Incarnate, waking up on Monday and seeing the smiling faces of his two young daughters…