Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

DAVENPORT, Iowa – Richard Garrison had plenty of work to do on a recent Thursday afternoon. After all, he was aiming for a promotion at his United Bank of Iowa branch and it was important to stay ahead of the game. But something was going on deep within Garrison’s mind, something that would consume his thoughts well into the night and the foreseeable future. After a quick lunch break, which consisted of a burrito from the Mexican establishment down the street from the bank, Garrison defecated nearly two hours later, producing an unbroken turd that seemingly defied the laws of physics.…

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – One red-hot little firecracker of a queen bee has been getting her drones randy and ready, top entomologists at Penn State University reported today. This queen bee has long held researcher’s fascination for her ability to get what she wants when she wants it, but this is the first time she’s also displayed an “absolute overt sexuality,” said scientists. “All the entomologists here knew that the queen in Hive #1347 was a pistol, and frankly a bit of a tease,” said lead researcher Thomas Jenkins. “But this is the first time we’ve seen this downright lasciviousness.” “From the way…

LOS ANGELES, Calif. – In a press conference today, actor Michael Keaton said he’s ready to jump back into the role of Birdman and can’t wait to see what director Alejandro Iñárritu has in store for Birdman 2, the sequel to the Oscar-winning movie. “I really like in this first one how we explored a lot of Riggan’s origin story,” Keaton said. “But in part two we’re going to have to up the action quota and really dig into the rogues gallery. I’ve been thinking up some villains, like Cat-Scratch and Laughman. Maybe some sorta dinosaur guy, I don’t know. Alejandro will…

Sorry light sleepers, the new Freddy Krueger film is for coma patients only. A Nightmare on Elm Street creator Wes Craven previously said the look and feel of the tenth addition to the franchise would be “darkly different,” and now we now why. A script, storyboards and a poster mockup allegedly smuggled from the New Line Cinema offices shows that the upcoming film will focus on Freddy tormenting a coma victim over the course of forty years. The alleged script – using the working title A Nightmare on Elm Street 10: Freddy’s Magnum Opus – begins with 25-year-old newlywed John Hope getting in a car accident…

TAMPA – For more than 100 years, Yancy’s Puddings has been offering tours of its facility to wide-eyed children and adults alike, all enamored with the process of how the immensely popular pudding is made. But after a rash of deaths stemming from people jumping into the giant vats of pudding, the company has been forced to make a change. “It was my great-grandfather’s dream to make his pudding factory a magical place for everybody.” Yancy’s Puddings President and CEO George Yancy IV said. “I never thought I’d have to do this, but our doors are now closed to the public.” “Forgive…

CHARLOTTE, N.C. – As more than 1,000 RadioShack locations are set to close following a filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, the company is trying to get rid of the remaining inventory in those stores by any means necessary. “We have a ton of random stuff left in these stores,” RadioShack inventory director Greg Thompson said. “At this point, we’re just begging people to come take whatever they want. For free. Please go to your local RadioShack and you’ll find that we’re not joking.” “We understand that people enjoy the act of looting whenever possible. Well, here’s your chance.” The stores set to close now…

SEATTLE, Wash. – For the seventh year in a row, Netflix will be spending Valentine’s Day with Todd Lucas as he stays in his tiny one-bedroom apartment and does nothing yet again. “It’s literally all I ever do with him,” Netflix complained. “Just have a bunch of movies or TV shows play in endless succession.” Netflix had hoped that to celebrate the special day, Todd might make some kind of effort instead of loafing around the apartment, which he has been doing more and more frequently. Perhaps cook dinner instead of ordering out again, or at the very least wear something other…

SACRAMENTO, Calif. – Watch out Cupid, Vicki Barnes and Jerry Gaskin of Sacramento won’t be needing any of your love arrows this weekend. With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, couples around the county are coming up with romantic plans. But Vicki and Jerry have been planning something extra special this year. On Saturday, don’t look for these two lovebirds out on a moonlit stroll or even at a fancy restaurant. This year they plan on staying in with a big homemade meal, a few bottles of wine, and a gigantic fight that will leave both of them questioning their relationship, their self-worth and how they…

NEW YORK CITY – In a surprising move towards more “hardcore advertising,” Colgate announced Thursday that its new toothpaste campaign would keep your breath fresh “’til the casket drops.” “Gone are the days of commercials where a woman simply brushes her teeth in a bizarre, all-white void, as if in purgatory. We feel it’s necessary to reach a younger audience with our messaging,” Colgate Chairman, President and CEO Ian M. Cook said. “We performed extensive market research to discover a hip new angle that is sure to get customers hyped to use our wide array of products.” To drive the campaign,…