Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

ASHEVILLE, N.C. – Tommy Benson has been called many things during his ten years of life. A little prick. A sneaky shit with no manners. A boy who deserves a swift kick in the ass. None of this has ever phased the young boy, though; in fact, Tommy has reveled in it, taking immense pride in being what appears to be the city’s unofficial prankster laureate. But life hasn’t all been fun and games for Tommy. He is currently suffering from leukemia and last week nearly died at Presbyterian Children’s Hospital. For all intents and purposes, he actually did pass away on Tuesday, as Tommy’s…

MONROEVILLE, Ala. – Sending shockwaves through the publishing world, it was announced today that best-selling author Harper Lee would be penning an official sequel to DC Comic’s Watchmen called Go Set a Watchman. “We are thrilled and honored that Ms. Lee has agreed to venture into the dark, morally-conflicted world of Watchmen,” said DC president Diane Nelson. “We’re certain her lyrical prose and nostalgic tendencies will be a perfect fit for characters like Rorschach and The Comedian.” Go Set a Watchman will be Lee’s first major literary publication since she released the classic To Kill a Mockingbird in 1960. When asked…

CLEVELAND – Early this morning, Brad Pittman found himself caught up in a frantic email chain at work with fellow employee and noted cinephile, Mark Townes. As Mark made one hilarious reference after another, Pittman knew it was his time to shine when someone mentioned Dishwalla’s early ’90s hit, “Counting Blue Cars.” Frantically trying to remember what film the song appeared in, Pittman took a breath, said a quick prayer, and typed out everything he could remember about the movie: movie, boy, sleeps in yard, loves girl, summer.  Seconds seemed to flow like days as he slowly hit the Enter key. Then,…

WASHINGTON – Local video game speed runner Matt “RunFastNotSlow69” Shackles set a new world record for the fastest completion of Earthbound for SNES Tuesday night, but was unable to shake the personal demons that have plagued him for most of the 26 years he has been alive. “It was a dream come true, breaking the Earthbound world record, but I’m still unable to shake the memory of seeing my mom and the mailman going at it on my bunk beds when I was seven,” Shackles said. “When my dad found out, he got super pissed and left immediately.” Earthbound is…

NOOB No Outside/Out of Bounds POOP Please Obliterate the Other Party BUTTS Be UpTight To Score BONER Bring Only Noobs and Earn Rewards LMAO Leave Me Alone, Oglethorp TACO Treat Allies respeCtfully, Ok? CORNBREAD Continuously Obliterate Records, Never Backdown or Retreat Even After Death SEX Shoot Everything eXceptme WEINER WE Initiate Nice Energetic Runs MOIST More Of Intense Scoring Time! YOUR MOM You Oughta Undo Requiring Me to Operate Manually FART Find All the Rare Treasure MEATBALL Miss Every Aerial Target By Avoiding Linear Landings CLIT Calmly Lay Incendiary Traps

NEW YORK – The NFL played its annual Pro Bowl last Sunday, as Team Irvin defeated Team Carter, 32-28. Now, in the aftermath of this exhibition game featuring the league’s best players (who didn’t drop out or aren’t playing in the Super Bowl or aren’t injured), the search for someone, anyone, who watched every minute of the game on television from start to finish languishes on. Dr. Gerry Tomlinson, who has dedicated the last decade of his career to studying the NFL Pro Bowl and those who watch it, heads the research team at the United States Anthropology Project that performs this…

TULSA, Okla. – As he ordered thousands of troops to their deaths in order to illegally occupy a neighboring nation, local man and avid Risk player Derek Russell began to feel the thrilling and unique rush of power that can only come with the act of committing unspeakable war crimes. In a bold and horrifying maneuver, Russell began his game by immediately disregarding Article 39 of the United Nations Charter with an unprovoked and illegal attack on a neighboring country. With the heady rush of a successful land grab still ringing in his ears, Russell soon learned that he had developed an insatiable…

KYOTO, JAPAN – Saying it’s “ecstatic” about the concepts and gameplay of their upcoming title, Nintendo announced today that New Super Mario 3D Galaxy U will feature more ethnic stereotyping and race-based violence than ever before. “We are incredibly excited about the direction Galaxy U is heading in,” developer Shigeru Miyamoto said. “When I created Mario Bros. 32 years ago I had no idea my love of caricaturing filthy Italians would be shared the world over, or for so long. With Galaxy U we mean to honor our rabid, prejudiced fan base and deliver what they want.” Miyamoto said a number of…

GLENDALE, Ariz. – Telling reporters that the University of Phoenix Stadium was a “reasonable and affordable place to host the Super Bowl,” commissioner Roger Goodell went on to reveal that Super Bowl credits from the stadium unfortunately wouldn’t be able to transfer to other NFL seasons, due to some “messy accreditation issues.” Though any Super Bowl Win Credits will have to be discarded at the close of the season, commissioner Goodell assured players and fans that the the stadium’s “compensation programs and practices were in compliance with the applicable legal requirements.” “The credits may not transfer, but winning players will still receive a…

IRVINE, Calif. – Though still in development stages, the makers of the virtual reality gaming console Oculus Rift have announced that a video game adaptation of “The Most Dangerous Game” will be among its launch titles upon release. Unlike other game offerings, The Most Dangerous Game will incorporate augmented reality, projecting the backdrops of the game over your actual surroundings. “It’s really exciting,” said Oculus VR founder Palmer Luckey. “It offers a whole new way to play with your friends, because it will literally be your friends in the game.” Based off the famous short story by Richard Connell, players will find themselves…