Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – Researchers at the Kinsey Institute today confirmed the initial findings of thousands of bumper stickers, definitively stating that yes, everyone is a little bit Irish. According to the report, every DNA sample tested during the landmark two-decade study determined conclusively that the world’s population showed traces of Irish heritage regardless of national, ethnic or racial boundaries. “I think it’s just from a lot of fucking,” said one appalled scientist. “I mean, they must have just fucked everybody.” History seems to confirm such claims. According to surviving documents, the Celts were known to be “strong of seed” and went by…

CHICAGO, Ill. – Recent college graduate and Delta Iota Kappa brother Chad Walker remains completely and irrevocably bummed out following the realization that he is expected to show up for work on St. Patrick’s Day as if it were any other work day. “I started talking about my plans Monday afternoon, asking around if anybody wanted to rage some kegs and eggs downtown before dawn,” Walker said, “And my boss just looks at me and goes, ‘You’re supposed to be here at 8 a.m. tomorrow. You know that right?’ And I was like, ‘What?'” When Walker reminded his boss that it was St.…

WASHINGTON, DC – An out-of-state driver was sentenced to 30 seconds of punitive honking by fellow motorists this morning following a last-second lane switch in the Dupont Circle area of northwest Washington, DC. In an attempt to continue northbound on Connecticut Avenue, the driver, 36-year-old Charlie Brock of Indiana, mistakenly ventured into the inner circle of the roundabout, resulting in a near collision as he attempted to correct the mistake. After a historically quick deliberation, a panel of nine nearby drivers ruled that Brock would be publicly shamed with exemplary damages in the form of car horn honks lasting not more than 30…

PEORIA, Ariz. – A manner-less specter unexpectedly startled his unwilling roommate last Tuesday, just as the man was returning home from a long day at the office. “I’m just a guy trying to make ends meet,” said Greg Jensen, the owner the haunted home. “The last thing I need is some spirit in my house, popping up to give me a fright when I come home from work!” When asked how long this apparition has taken covenant between the four walls of Jensen’s domicile, he was unsure. “Hell, that phantasm could live here indefinitely, if it could show some class and not…

EMERYVILLE, Calif. – As Toy Story 4 continues its march to production, Pixar announced Tuesday that it already had plans for a fifth movie in the beloved series, slated to be released in 2020. “We’re going for more of a romantic comedy feel in the fourth movie,” director and Pixar chief creative officer John Lasseter said. “So we felt it was best creatively to take Toy Story 5 in a much different direction for the fifth installment.” The Leaked Toy Story 5 Plot Aiming for a hard R rating, Toy Story 5 will certainly reach into much edgier territory never before seen in the…

THE ARCTIC – Saying he was “excited to stay in and work on sprucing the place up,” Superman called off to spend the weekend putting together IKEA furniture at his Fortress of Solitude. The 34-year-old alien, superbeing, and reporter, who once saved the world from the city-shrinking space monster Braniac while simultaneously covering the fight as a mild-mannered but Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter for The Daily Planet, said that the boxes of furniture had been “cluttering up the place for months” and it was “high time [he] did something about it.” “I really needed some new furniture, and building it yourself like this…

MARS – Wanting “nothing to do with this shit,” the Mars rover Curiosity refused to report the discovery of an alien corpse to NASA Thursday. “Fuck no,” the rover said. “Fuck no, this is not happening. They say they program you for every possibility up here. Well, nobody programmed ‘rotting Martian protocol’ and I am not about to open this can of worms.” The decaying alien was discovered near the base of Mount Sharp at 5:42 p.m. eastern time on Thursday, though the Curiosity’s olfactory sensors had picked up peculiarities some two hours earlier which it believed to be the…

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Calling the discovery a major breakthrough in our understanding of dinosaur reproduction, paleontologists from the Ohio State University announced Monday that the biggest dino boner ever reported had recently been unearthed in an eastern Wyoming dig site. Scientists working on the find told reporters that this remarkable finding could provide a rare insight into the reproductive cycle of dinosaurs, and may even result in proof that visible erections were once something to be displayed proudly, rather than discreetly tucked into waistbands or pant legs as they are now. Lead researcher, Dr. David Elmore said, “Our findings indicate that during the…

DAVENPORT, Iowa – Richard Garrison had plenty of work to do on a recent Thursday afternoon. After all, he was aiming for a promotion at his United Bank of Iowa branch and it was important to stay ahead of the game. But something was going on deep within Garrison’s mind, something that would consume his thoughts well into the night and the foreseeable future. After a quick lunch break, which consisted of a burrito from the Mexican establishment down the street from the bank, Garrison defecated nearly two hours later, producing an unbroken turd that seemingly defied the laws of physics.…

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – One red-hot little firecracker of a queen bee has been getting her drones randy and ready, top entomologists at Penn State University reported today. This queen bee has long held researcher’s fascination for her ability to get what she wants when she wants it, but this is the first time she’s also displayed an “absolute overt sexuality,” said scientists. “All the entomologists here knew that the queen in Hive #1347 was a pistol, and frankly a bit of a tease,” said lead researcher Thomas Jenkins. “But this is the first time we’ve seen this downright lasciviousness.” “From the way…