Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

TAMPA – For more than 100 years, Yancy’s Puddings has been offering tours of its facility to wide-eyed children and adults alike, all enamored with the process of how the immensely popular pudding is made. But after a rash of deaths stemming from people jumping into the giant vats of pudding, the company has been forced to make a change. “It was my great-grandfather’s dream to make his pudding factory a magical place for everybody.” Yancy’s Puddings President and CEO George Yancy IV said. “I never thought I’d have to do this, but our doors are now closed to the public.” “Forgive…

CHARLOTTE, N.C. – As more than 1,000 RadioShack locations are set to close following a filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, the company is trying to get rid of the remaining inventory in those stores by any means necessary. “We have a ton of random stuff left in these stores,” RadioShack inventory director Greg Thompson said. “At this point, we’re just begging people to come take whatever they want. For free. Please go to your local RadioShack and you’ll find that we’re not joking.” “We understand that people enjoy the act of looting whenever possible. Well, here’s your chance.” The stores set to close now…

SEATTLE, Wash. – For the seventh year in a row, Netflix will be spending Valentine’s Day with Todd Lucas as he stays in his tiny one-bedroom apartment and does nothing yet again. “It’s literally all I ever do with him,” Netflix complained. “Just have a bunch of movies or TV shows play in endless succession.” Netflix had hoped that to celebrate the special day, Todd might make some kind of effort instead of loafing around the apartment, which he has been doing more and more frequently. Perhaps cook dinner instead of ordering out again, or at the very least wear something other…

SACRAMENTO, Calif. – Watch out Cupid, Vicki Barnes and Jerry Gaskin of Sacramento won’t be needing any of your love arrows this weekend. With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, couples around the county are coming up with romantic plans. But Vicki and Jerry have been planning something extra special this year. On Saturday, don’t look for these two lovebirds out on a moonlit stroll or even at a fancy restaurant. This year they plan on staying in with a big homemade meal, a few bottles of wine, and a gigantic fight that will leave both of them questioning their relationship, their self-worth and how they…

NEW YORK CITY – In a surprising move towards more “hardcore advertising,” Colgate announced Thursday that its new toothpaste campaign would keep your breath fresh “’til the casket drops.” “Gone are the days of commercials where a woman simply brushes her teeth in a bizarre, all-white void, as if in purgatory. We feel it’s necessary to reach a younger audience with our messaging,” Colgate Chairman, President and CEO Ian M. Cook said. “We performed extensive market research to discover a hip new angle that is sure to get customers hyped to use our wide array of products.” To drive the campaign,…

ASHEVILLE, N.C. – Tommy Benson has been called many things during his ten years of life. A little prick. A sneaky shit with no manners. A boy who deserves a swift kick in the ass. None of this has ever phased the young boy, though; in fact, Tommy has reveled in it, taking immense pride in being what appears to be the city’s unofficial prankster laureate. But life hasn’t all been fun and games for Tommy. He is currently suffering from leukemia and last week nearly died at Presbyterian Children’s Hospital. For all intents and purposes, he actually did pass away on Tuesday, as Tommy’s…

MONROEVILLE, Ala. – Sending shockwaves through the publishing world, it was announced today that best-selling author Harper Lee would be penning an official sequel to DC Comic’s Watchmen called Go Set a Watchman. “We are thrilled and honored that Ms. Lee has agreed to venture into the dark, morally-conflicted world of Watchmen,” said DC president Diane Nelson. “We’re certain her lyrical prose and nostalgic tendencies will be a perfect fit for characters like Rorschach and The Comedian.” Go Set a Watchman will be Lee’s first major literary publication since she released the classic To Kill a Mockingbird in 1960. When asked…

CLEVELAND – Early this morning, Brad Pittman found himself caught up in a frantic email chain at work with fellow employee and noted cinephile, Mark Townes. As Mark made one hilarious reference after another, Pittman knew it was his time to shine when someone mentioned Dishwalla’s early ’90s hit, “Counting Blue Cars.” Frantically trying to remember what film the song appeared in, Pittman took a breath, said a quick prayer, and typed out everything he could remember about the movie: movie, boy, sleeps in yard, loves girl, summer.  Seconds seemed to flow like days as he slowly hit the Enter key. Then,…

WASHINGTON – Local video game speed runner Matt “RunFastNotSlow69” Shackles set a new world record for the fastest completion of Earthbound for SNES Tuesday night, but was unable to shake the personal demons that have plagued him for most of the 26 years he has been alive. “It was a dream come true, breaking the Earthbound world record, but I’m still unable to shake the memory of seeing my mom and the mailman going at it on my bunk beds when I was seven,” Shackles said. “When my dad found out, he got super pissed and left immediately.” Earthbound is…

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