Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

BLOOMINGTON, IN – After seemingly eons of confinement within its cartridge, a Game Genie emerged today at the behest of its master. “I have arisen!” the Genie said. “May the lowly quake in fear at the return of Cyrolous, Lord of Pain and Defiler of Worlds!” Though wedged between a middle school yearbook and a pair of old snow boots for more than a decade, the Genie promptly regained its status as High Necromancer by laying waste to hundreds of residents of the Mushroom Kingdom. “He’s back? Mother of God,” said a Koopa Troopa before reciting the Lord’s Prayer. Ongoing reports…

MINNEAPOLIS – Jonathan Holder, the man who will one day become known around the country for the brutal slayings of 15 people across three states, is simply known now as an avid fan of every single Geico commercial and the characters they produce. Family and friends have noticed over the past few years that Holder, who will soon gain the nickname “The Devil’s Nephew” because of the gruesome ways in which he mangles his victims’ bodies, absolutely loves Geico ads whenever they come on during football games or his favorite shows. “His face just lights up whenever a Geico commercial…

LOS ANGELES – Months after the public at large became aware of allegations against Pepé Le Pew, new accusers continue to emerge. The latest claims, eerily similar, come from Warner Bros. repertory player Petunia Pig and session musician Sarah Sparkles. “I was doing backing tracks for Josie and the Pussycats at the time and Mr. Le Pew knew one of the producers,” Ms. Sparkles said. “He said he could help get me a guest spot on Fat Albert since he was close with the creator. I was young and I believed him.” Both of the women’s allegations, separated by decades,…

In 1998, an NBC executive caught a late-night marathon of Sliders reruns. Inspired by the characters’ abilities to transport themselves to alternate dimensions through wormholes, this executive decided to unite the premise of Sliders with the cast and characters of the surging NBC hit, Friends. This mid-season spinoff was contracted for eight episodes; however, after filming wrapped, the episodes were never aired for reasons unknown. Instead, they were locked deep in the NBC vaults. While the footage remains sealed in the basement of 30 Rock, these episode synopses still remain as testament to some of the best television ever made. The One with…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qcB8xUscKg HOLLYWOOD – The Internet was abuzz with excitement as Marvel released a brief teaser trailer Wednesday for an upcoming film that does not currently exist. Though nothing is known about the project, fan reaction has already reached a fever pitch. “This is going to be the greatest thing ever,” said Fred Wells of Madison, Wisconsin. “Marvel has never let me down, so I don’t even need to know what this movie will be to know it’s awesome!” This sentiment is being echoed all over the country. Becky Griggs of Charleston, South Carolina explained that until the new trailer was released, she…

RALEIGH, N.C. – The Temptations, an American vocal group known for their success with Motown Records during the 1960’s and 1970’s, were deemed too great to be shared with local man Samuel Wilson by his girlfriend of five years, Gloria Jenkins. “I’ve known Sam a long time,” Jenkins said. “And I know he’s not going to appreciate this music as much as he should.”

The selloff in oil continued with little pause into the new year with U.S. crude futures tumbling below the price of blood for the first time since the mid-1990’s on fears of a global supply glut. These low prices have some traders in a hurry to dump oil from their portfolio and go long on blood. “These oil prices are the new norm,” said Will Blaylock, managing member at Farrow Capital Advisors in Laurel Hollow in New York. “And before people start to realize that, we’d like to consider returning some of our oil for the soldier blood we traded a…

ASHEVILLE, N.C. – Shuffling and bumping their way over to the break room table, employees at Cappers Incorporated crowded around a gift basket that had been slopped onto the table by their manager as an extra special treat for them. As the gift basket was torn into, a collective sound of excited, inhuman grunts could be heard throughout the office as employees lapped up their free gift basket goodies. The constant murmur of food being greedily shoved down gullets was broken only by the occasional upset squeal of a coworker as they either had their foot stepped on or a candy torn from their…

NEW YORK – The New York City Department of Culture has announced a big update to their subway/urine smell formula. At a briefing today, Culture Commissioner Tom Rhodes explained that the new odor would be more realistic and cheaper to produce. Most visitors to the city don’t realize that the sites, sounds and smells of New York City haven’t been produced naturally since 1985. For the last few decades, New York has relied on its department of culture to do everything from hire actors to play homeless people to ensure the proper amount of garbage bags are piled on the sidewalks.…