Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

WASHINGTON – Local video game speed runner Matt “RunFastNotSlow69” Shackles set a new world record for the fastest completion of Earthbound for SNES Tuesday night, but was unable to shake the personal demons that have plagued him for most of the 26 years he has been alive. “It was a dream come true, breaking the Earthbound world record, but I’m still unable to shake the memory of seeing my mom and the mailman going at it on my bunk beds when I was seven,” Shackles said. “When my dad found out, he got super pissed and left immediately.” Earthbound is…

NOOB No Outside/Out of Bounds POOP Please Obliterate the Other Party BUTTS Be UpTight To Score BONER Bring Only Noobs and Earn Rewards LMAO Leave Me Alone, Oglethorp TACO Treat Allies respeCtfully, Ok? CORNBREAD Continuously Obliterate Records, Never Backdown or Retreat Even After Death SEX Shoot Everything eXceptme WEINER WE Initiate Nice Energetic Runs MOIST More Of Intense Scoring Time! YOUR MOM You Oughta Undo Requiring Me to Operate Manually FART Find All the Rare Treasure MEATBALL Miss Every Aerial Target By Avoiding Linear Landings CLIT Calmly Lay Incendiary Traps

NEW YORK – The NFL played its annual Pro Bowl last Sunday, as Team Irvin defeated Team Carter, 32-28. Now, in the aftermath of this exhibition game featuring the league’s best players (who didn’t drop out or aren’t playing in the Super Bowl or aren’t injured), the search for someone, anyone, who watched every minute of the game on television from start to finish languishes on. Dr. Gerry Tomlinson, who has dedicated the last decade of his career to studying the NFL Pro Bowl and those who watch it, heads the research team at the United States Anthropology Project that performs this…

TULSA, Okla. – As he ordered thousands of troops to their deaths in order to illegally occupy a neighboring nation, local man and avid Risk player Derek Russell began to feel the thrilling and unique rush of power that can only come with the act of committing unspeakable war crimes. In a bold and horrifying maneuver, Russell began his game by immediately disregarding Article 39 of the United Nations Charter with an unprovoked and illegal attack on a neighboring country. With the heady rush of a successful land grab still ringing in his ears, Russell soon learned that he had developed an insatiable…

KYOTO, JAPAN – Saying it’s “ecstatic” about the concepts and gameplay of their upcoming title, Nintendo announced today that New Super Mario 3D Galaxy U will feature more ethnic stereotyping and race-based violence than ever before. “We are incredibly excited about the direction Galaxy U is heading in,” developer Shigeru Miyamoto said. “When I created Mario Bros. 32 years ago I had no idea my love of caricaturing filthy Italians would be shared the world over, or for so long. With Galaxy U we mean to honor our rabid, prejudiced fan base and deliver what they want.” Miyamoto said a number of…

GLENDALE, Ariz. – Telling reporters that the University of Phoenix Stadium was a “reasonable and affordable place to host the Super Bowl,” commissioner Roger Goodell went on to reveal that Super Bowl credits from the stadium unfortunately wouldn’t be able to transfer to other NFL seasons, due to some “messy accreditation issues.” Though any Super Bowl Win Credits will have to be discarded at the close of the season, commissioner Goodell assured players and fans that the the stadium’s “compensation programs and practices were in compliance with the applicable legal requirements.” “The credits may not transfer, but winning players will still receive a…

IRVINE, Calif. – Though still in development stages, the makers of the virtual reality gaming console Oculus Rift have announced that a video game adaptation of “The Most Dangerous Game” will be among its launch titles upon release. Unlike other game offerings, The Most Dangerous Game will incorporate augmented reality, projecting the backdrops of the game over your actual surroundings. “It’s really exciting,” said Oculus VR founder Palmer Luckey. “It offers a whole new way to play with your friends, because it will literally be your friends in the game.” Based off the famous short story by Richard Connell, players will find themselves…

BLOOMINGTON, IN – After seemingly eons of confinement within its cartridge, a Game Genie emerged today at the behest of its master. “I have arisen!” the Genie said. “May the lowly quake in fear at the return of Cyrolous, Lord of Pain and Defiler of Worlds!” Though wedged between a middle school yearbook and a pair of old snow boots for more than a decade, the Genie promptly regained its status as High Necromancer by laying waste to hundreds of residents of the Mushroom Kingdom. “He’s back? Mother of God,” said a Koopa Troopa before reciting the Lord’s Prayer. Ongoing reports…

MINNEAPOLIS – Jonathan Holder, the man who will one day become known around the country for the brutal slayings of 15 people across three states, is simply known now as an avid fan of every single Geico commercial and the characters they produce. Family and friends have noticed over the past few years that Holder, who will soon gain the nickname “The Devil’s Nephew” because of the gruesome ways in which he mangles his victims’ bodies, absolutely loves Geico ads whenever they come on during football games or his favorite shows. “His face just lights up whenever a Geico commercial…

LOS ANGELES – Months after the public at large became aware of allegations against Pepé Le Pew, new accusers continue to emerge. The latest claims, eerily similar, come from Warner Bros. repertory player Petunia Pig and session musician Sarah Sparkles. “I was doing backing tracks for Josie and the Pussycats at the time and Mr. Le Pew knew one of the producers,” Ms. Sparkles said. “He said he could help get me a guest spot on Fat Albert since he was close with the creator. I was young and I believed him.” Both of the women’s allegations, separated by decades,…