Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

SAN FRANCISCO – With another Christmas in the books, the California Journal of Cultural Studies has published its annual comprehensive report on the holiday. And according to a shocking new study in the document, Santa Claus, despite his whimsical powers and nearly incomprehensible ability to visit the entire world in one night, is still but a man with carnal urges and needs that must be met. The 340-page report caps a year-long study led by Henry F. Randall, an professor of anthropology at the University of San Francisco. “Though we understand Santa to be an omnipotent deity, held to nearly…

CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. – With his rosy cheeks, bushy beard and round belly, local man Ed Hicks is the spitting image of Kris Kringle and is proud of it. For the last twelve years, Hicks has been donning the red coat and shiny boots at Riverside Mall, listening to thousands of children’s Christmas lists. But there’s just one thing this jolly old elf wants, and he wishes for it every year. “Some people dream of a white Christmas,” Hicks said. “Well, I’m dreaming of a white America.” Could Hicks’ festive wish for national snowfall ever occur? According to meteorologist Harriet Ingle, it’s…

NEW YORK – In an effort to revitalize a season with declining popularity, the American Meteorological Society unveiled ambitious plans to rebrand Winter as Summer II. Calling the campaign, an “exciting new twist on a classic season,” the Meteorological Society said they would release a series of TV, web and print ads that show off the hot new season. “We’ve got a season that keeps your beer cold and rains slushies from the sky,” said American Meteorological Society spokesperson Michelle Ward. “We figured, with the right messaging, we could get people to see winter in a whole new way.” Representatives were also excited to…

HOLLYWOOD – Relativity Media announced today that they were indefinitely canceling the release of The Woman In Black: Angel Of Death after a ghost promised retaliation if it is showed in theaters. “You Will Regret Playing This Movie – If You Do I Will Haunt A Theater” read a message found in the bathroom of Relativity Media’s offices, written on a fogged-over mirror. Studio heads pulled the plug on the film without any indication of a future release date. The decision has been met with wide condemnation from the media and public, citing this as a defeat for creative expression. Relativity…

HAVANA – After suffering through years of isolation and trade embargoes imposed by the wise and glorious President Castro in 1960, the United States conceded defeat today ending the decades-long Cold War. “The Castro regime has known since day one that the pig Americans would balk first,” said President Raúl Castro before a throng of cheering revolutionaries in a historic announcement. “We have broken them. The voice of the masses cannot be silenced by the clamoring gears of the vile, capitalist machine!” From Washington D.C., the heart of the American beast, President Barack Obama also addressed his nation, bowing to the…

The Kidney Pie Killer is at it again, and America is loving every minute of it! This precocious serial killer is on a five-city tour and has been absolutely slaying crowds at each stop along the way. Known for his easy smile, lovable antics and tireless desire to kill people, remove their kidneys and use them to bake a traditional English savory pie, the Kidney Pie Killer has been charming and harming his way across the country for the last six months. And in that time, he has rocketed his way to the top of the All-Time Most-Loved Serial Killers…

ARCHDUKE’S CASTLE – A jubilant young man attended a most unusual soirée this weekend. At first the event seemed to be a most gay affair, with guests dressed in their finest frillery, sprightly fellows sashaying around the ballroom, and the party staff readily servicing anyone that asked. But as the night wore on, by all accounts, the party began to appear queer. The first thing that seemed off was when the host made his grand appearance, the bugler’s horn toots were less than regal, the host’s makeup was far from resplendent and his Lordship’s heels were much too flat. Things went from bad to worse as the bell chimed 11…

BERKELEY, CA – This morning, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley announced a breakthrough in the study of the relationship between space and time. Minnie the Whoo, a small housecat, was discovered to be far larger on the inside than on the outside. Her owner, Rachel Stevenson of Cleveland, Ohio, explains, “That damn cat eats too much to have such small turds. The food has got to be going somewhere!” Dr. Raphael Bousso, lead researcher and physicist at UC Berkeley, said, “As soon as we heard about [Stevenson’s] cat, we were on the next flight to Ohio. Going off the…

MIAMI – After breaking up with his model girlfriend Toni Garrn, actor Leonardo DiCaprio was seen leaving a South Beach nightclub with 20 women early Sunday morning. But as the news broke, reports also surfaced that Academy-Award winning actors bring home at least 30 women from clubs all over the country on any given night. “What Mr. DiCaprio did, while impressive, was not the best performance we’ve seen,” said Gary Niles, head of the Hollywood Studies department at New York University. “Numerous studies have shown that Oscar winners routinely leave establishments with 30, sometimes 40 women without any effort whatsoever.” Niles cited…