Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

RALEIGH, N.C. – The Temptations, an American vocal group known for their success with Motown Records during the 1960’s and 1970’s, were deemed too great to be shared with local man Samuel Wilson by his girlfriend of five years, Gloria Jenkins. “I’ve known Sam a long time,” Jenkins said. “And I know he’s not going to appreciate this music as much as he should.”

The selloff in oil continued with little pause into the new year with U.S. crude futures tumbling below the price of blood for the first time since the mid-1990’s on fears of a global supply glut. These low prices have some traders in a hurry to dump oil from their portfolio and go long on blood. “These oil prices are the new norm,” said Will Blaylock, managing member at Farrow Capital Advisors in Laurel Hollow in New York. “And before people start to realize that, we’d like to consider returning some of our oil for the soldier blood we traded a…

ASHEVILLE, N.C. – Shuffling and bumping their way over to the break room table, employees at Cappers Incorporated crowded around a gift basket that had been slopped onto the table by their manager as an extra special treat for them. As the gift basket was torn into, a collective sound of excited, inhuman grunts could be heard throughout the office as employees lapped up their free gift basket goodies. The constant murmur of food being greedily shoved down gullets was broken only by the occasional upset squeal of a coworker as they either had their foot stepped on or a candy torn from their…

NEW YORK – The New York City Department of Culture has announced a big update to their subway/urine smell formula. At a briefing today, Culture Commissioner Tom Rhodes explained that the new odor would be more realistic and cheaper to produce. Most visitors to the city don’t realize that the sites, sounds and smells of New York City haven’t been produced naturally since 1985. For the last few decades, New York has relied on its department of culture to do everything from hire actors to play homeless people to ensure the proper amount of garbage bags are piled on the sidewalks.…

SAN FRANCISCO – With another Christmas in the books, the California Journal of Cultural Studies has published its annual comprehensive report on the holiday. And according to a shocking new study in the document, Santa Claus, despite his whimsical powers and nearly incomprehensible ability to visit the entire world in one night, is still but a man with carnal urges and needs that must be met. The 340-page report caps a year-long study led by Henry F. Randall, an professor of anthropology at the University of San Francisco. “Though we understand Santa to be an omnipotent deity, held to nearly…

CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. – With his rosy cheeks, bushy beard and round belly, local man Ed Hicks is the spitting image of Kris Kringle and is proud of it. For the last twelve years, Hicks has been donning the red coat and shiny boots at Riverside Mall, listening to thousands of children’s Christmas lists. But there’s just one thing this jolly old elf wants, and he wishes for it every year. “Some people dream of a white Christmas,” Hicks said. “Well, I’m dreaming of a white America.” Could Hicks’ festive wish for national snowfall ever occur? According to meteorologist Harriet Ingle, it’s…

NEW YORK – In an effort to revitalize a season with declining popularity, the American Meteorological Society unveiled ambitious plans to rebrand Winter as Summer II. Calling the campaign, an “exciting new twist on a classic season,” the Meteorological Society said they would release a series of TV, web and print ads that show off the hot new season. “We’ve got a season that keeps your beer cold and rains slushies from the sky,” said American Meteorological Society spokesperson Michelle Ward. “We figured, with the right messaging, we could get people to see winter in a whole new way.” Representatives were also excited to…

HOLLYWOOD – Relativity Media announced today that they were indefinitely canceling the release of The Woman In Black: Angel Of Death after a ghost promised retaliation if it is showed in theaters. “You Will Regret Playing This Movie – If You Do I Will Haunt A Theater” read a message found in the bathroom of Relativity Media’s offices, written on a fogged-over mirror. Studio heads pulled the plug on the film without any indication of a future release date. The decision has been met with wide condemnation from the media and public, citing this as a defeat for creative expression. Relativity…

HAVANA – After suffering through years of isolation and trade embargoes imposed by the wise and glorious President Castro in 1960, the United States conceded defeat today ending the decades-long Cold War. “The Castro regime has known since day one that the pig Americans would balk first,” said President Raúl Castro before a throng of cheering revolutionaries in a historic announcement. “We have broken them. The voice of the masses cannot be silenced by the clamoring gears of the vile, capitalist machine!” From Washington D.C., the heart of the American beast, President Barack Obama also addressed his nation, bowing to the…