Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

FUKUOKA, Japan – Top Japanese scientists released information today on a groundbreaking new gene-splicing procedure that could offer life-changing therapy for Japanese sex organs. Scientists believe the new procedure could cure the genetic predisposition for blurry, pixelated or, in more severe cases, mosaic genitals. “We have found a way to isolate a single mutation in a DNA strand and eliminate it,” Dr. Akari Watanabe said. “This gives us the unique ability to correct conditions and deformities not typically found in human beings.” Watanabe also notes that this process is less than perfect and in some cases the wrong portion of…

Source: Lucasfilm THE CRAIT SYSTEM – Many budding sociopaths have been known to torture or abuse animals at a young age, but what happens when womp rats are no longer enough for a small boy on the desert planet of Tatooine? A shocking discovery occurred this week when Resistance protocol droid C-3PO lost a finger due to a malfunctioning pneumatic door. “I was about to send him to the droid repair bay as usual,” Deck Officer Tamizander said. “Then I noticed some red fluid around the nub. I mean, it was unmistakably blood. So I ended up sending him to…

ELLENTON, Fla. – Audience members were finally dealt a bit of relief Monday afternoon as Ringling Bros. head ringmaster Patrick Hildegarde finally addressed the elephant in the room after an hour and twenty minutes of beating around the bush. “It was really uncomfortable for everybody in the big top. The elephant was clearly there but neither the ringleader nor anybody in the audience was addressing it. They even went as far as bringing the clowns out just to make small talk about the weather,” said circus attendee Mike Howell. “You could cut the tension with a knife.” Hildegarde says things…

EUGENE, Ore. – TSA officials at Eugene Airport are used to dealing with boisterous travelers that want to bring an animal on a plane. But they aren’t used to what happened last Friday. “A guy wanted to bring his chainsaw on the flight,” TSA senior official Ray Montague said. “We’ve had all manner of animals that travelers have claimed to be emotional support animals. But this is a new one.” The passenger in question, Guy LaFavre, is a logger by trade and considers the chainsaw no mere tool. “The MS 311 Stihl chainsaw has been by my side for many…

WASHINGTON – Following the presidential bids declared by Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, and Cory Booker in recent weeks, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders announced his intention to run for his life. “What I believe… is the American people want a strong… progressive candidate to stand up to… Donald Trump in 2020,” Senator Sanders said, gasping for air. “And I am of the opinion… that my candidacy will lead to me being… executed in a Midwestern public square.” At press time, Sanders’ hand was seen emerging from a dogpile, still clutching a “2020 Vision” political button.

HOUSTON – Left with nothing but time to think after being furloughed due to the government shutdown, NASA employees in contact with the International Space Station are hoping the astronauts ended up figuring out that hull breach. “It happened right before the government shut down,” said Mission Control analyst David Barnett. “You know how when you’re taking a test in school and time’s up and the teacher says, ‘Pencils down?’ It was just like that.” “We were told to just immediately get up and leave the room.” With the radio link to the ISS still working, exiting staffers at Mission Control…

OXFORD, England – In a massive push for equality, Oxford University has announced that their very popular Women’s Studies class will now be a study of both historical men and women. Starting next semester, the class, which has always been narrowly focused on teaching about important women throughout history, will broaden its horizons to teach about important men from history as well. Dr. Pete Singer, one of the professors in charge of the new curriculum, said they have not come up with an appropriate title for the new class yet. “Well, before it was just women, so the title made sense,”…

LOS ANGELES – Move over, Michael Jordan’s Flu Game. Say hello to LeBron’s Jeans Game! Los Angeles Lakers superstar LeBron James has been on a tear recently, racking up his third triple-double of the season last night against the Golden State Warriors. What may be most impressive about that stat, however, is that he did it wearing jeans. That’s right, the NBA’s most renowned player could be seen strutting down the court in a pair of jeans. Players and spectators alike couldn’t believe their eyes when the  superstar showed up to shootaround in a pair of slim-cut, raw denim jeans. “Everyone knows…

THE SPIRIT REALM – Faced with the prospect of yet another holiday spent futilely trying to scare some humanity into Donald Trump, the Ghost of Christmas Future became visibly despondent and withdrawn today. “Man. Forty-eight years. It’s been forty-eight years and… nothing. It’s almost like it fuels him,” the Specter of Things to Come said. Though in that time the ghost has shown Trump a variety of horrors that lie ahead – with each year bringing exponentially more – to date none have succeeded in producing any fear, humility, sadness, revulsion, or remorse, with only anger and boasting being witnessed…

WASHINGTON – Soon after the funeral of his father, George H.W. Bush, former President George W. Bush took no time to start planning what mouth-watering piece of candy he would cutely hand former First Lady Michelle Obama during the next funeral they may attend together. “It doesn’t matter who the funeral is for,” Bush said. “I have to be ready with the best darn piece of candy. Michelle is counting on me.” For Senator John McCain’s funeral, Bush had charmingly given Michelle Obama a mint. For his dad’s funeral, he presented her a butterscotch candy. But the president stated that he…