Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – Area man Josh Anderson claims his recent trip to the ER turned out to be a blessing in disguise. “For a little while, I didn’t think I would make it, and that was a real wake-up call. It’s funny, when I was laying there on my back, screaming in pain, all I could think about was that I’ve been living in the golden age of television, and I’ve let whole series just pass me by.” Josh’s roommate, Mike, tells us that upon arriving home from the hospital, Josh was like a completely different person. “Usually when Josh…

Source: Michael Vadon LITTLE ROCK, Ark. – Senator Tom Cotton awoke Sunday morning deeply shaken after one of his usual homoerotic incest dreams took a sinister turn to lucid, terrifying images of world peace. “I always look forward to my sexy daddy dreams,” the freshman senator from Arkansas said. “But what horrifies me most, if dreams really are a manifestation of the subconscious, is just what the hell all that world peace business was doing in there?” Cotton said things were just getting good when his dad, shirtless and sweaty, fixed the family truck’s muffler and asked for a lemonade…

WASHINGTON – In an announcement sure to please men around the world, today a group of climate scientists released a statement saying there is still time to get the boys together for one last night out. After what seems like an endless stream of bad news coming from the nation’s foremost climate scientists, the discovery that there’s still time to get the whole crew together and really live it up is sure to come as a much-needed reprieve. The study clarified that though the severity of climate change is continuing to grow, and that our planet will soon be uninhabitable,…

WASHINGTON – Experts worldwide are increasingly coming to the consensus that things will soon be getting worse. Additionally, most of these experts also agree that things will get far, far worse after that. While there are a few optimistic outliers, there is a near consensus on this issue, with “worsening” being the prevailing finding. “I don’t know what to tell you, it ain’t going to be getting any better anytime soon,” said Michelle Darby, a leading expert on these sorts of things. “I’ve been keeping an eye on things for a while, and we’re definitely looking at a trend of…

Following the ongoing epidemic of mass shootings, lawmakers are becoming increasingly concerned about America’s wax reserves, which are rapidly depleting. “We’ve been getting a lot of phone calls,” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “It’s clear Americans have had it with these low wax levels. We’re not deaf to the pleas of the people of this great country, so we need to act.” Though lowered wax reserves have been an issue in previous decades, it’s been only within the last twenty years that the levels have dropped to such alarming proportions, according to experts at the Wax Council. “We’ve never seen…

Source: Noah Salzman OAKLAND – Newly obtained intimate video of Steph Curry and his wife Ayesha clearly shows that the basketball superstar impregnated his wife from 28 feet away. “You can see Curry came off a down screen set by the bedroom chair, curled around a throw pillow, then squared his shoulders, set his feet, and fired,” said ESPN basketball analyst Tim Legler. “The arc and spin of Curry’s ‘man juice’ is clearly visible and a thing of beauty.” After a few seconds Ayesha can be heard off-camera saying, “Swish!” The two-time NBA Most Valuable Player (with mouthpiece hanging outside…

DES MOINES, Iowa – FBI Cyber Crimes officials apprehended local computer hacker Christopher Ostrander on charges of computer tampering in the first degree Monday morning. Ostrander is accused of being behind the recent Marriott data breach, exposing millions of customers’ personal data and information. The Des Moines Police Department also reports Ostrander is being charged with one count of indecent exposure at Crossroads Mall in nearby Plovis Township. Ostrander was charged in 2008 with hacking into Wells Fargo’s servers and spent four years in prison after accepting a plea deal. He was also arrested earlier in 2008 for a string…

LOS ANGELES – Actor Tom Hanks gave a young child the shock of his life Friday, as the Toy Story 4 star flashed the boy his giant smile right in the middle of a Hollywood street. “Our family is in town visiting and we were walking down the Sunset Strip,” said Sandra Blalock, whose son Randy was flashed by Hanks. “I turned away for one second and all I heard was my son scream.” Onlookers reported seeing Hanks approach the boy, bend down, and flash him his huge grin before tousling his hair and escaping down the street before his…

FUKUOKA, Japan – Top Japanese scientists released information today on a groundbreaking new gene-splicing procedure that could offer life-changing therapy for Japanese sex organs. Scientists believe the new procedure could cure the genetic predisposition for blurry, pixelated or, in more severe cases, mosaic genitals. “We have found a way to isolate a single mutation in a DNA strand and eliminate it,” Dr. Akari Watanabe said. “This gives us the unique ability to correct conditions and deformities not typically found in human beings.” Watanabe also notes that this process is less than perfect and in some cases the wrong portion of…

Source: Lucasfilm THE CRAIT SYSTEM – Many budding sociopaths have been known to torture or abuse animals at a young age, but what happens when womp rats are no longer enough for a small boy on the desert planet of Tatooine? A shocking discovery occurred this week when Resistance protocol droid C-3PO lost a finger due to a malfunctioning pneumatic door. “I was about to send him to the droid repair bay as usual,” Deck Officer Tamizander said. “Then I noticed some red fluid around the nub. I mean, it was unmistakably blood. So I ended up sending him to…