Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

LOS ANGELES – Move over, Michael Jordan’s Flu Game. Say hello to LeBron’s Jeans Game! Los Angeles Lakers superstar LeBron James has been on a tear recently, racking up his third triple-double of the season last night against the Golden State Warriors. What may be most impressive about that stat, however, is that he did it wearing jeans. That’s right, the NBA’s most renowned player could be seen strutting down the court in a pair of jeans. Players and spectators alike couldn’t believe their eyes when the  superstar showed up to shootaround in a pair of slim-cut, raw denim jeans. “Everyone knows…

THE SPIRIT REALM – Faced with the prospect of yet another holiday spent futilely trying to scare some humanity into Donald Trump, the Ghost of Christmas Future became visibly despondent and withdrawn today. “Man. Forty-eight years. It’s been forty-eight years and… nothing. It’s almost like it fuels him,” the Specter of Things to Come said. Though in that time the ghost has shown Trump a variety of horrors that lie ahead – with each year bringing exponentially more – to date none have succeeded in producing any fear, humility, sadness, revulsion, or remorse, with only anger and boasting being witnessed…

WASHINGTON – Soon after the funeral of his father, George H.W. Bush, former President George W. Bush took no time to start planning what mouth-watering piece of candy he would cutely hand former First Lady Michelle Obama during the next funeral they may attend together. “It doesn’t matter who the funeral is for,” Bush said. “I have to be ready with the best darn piece of candy. Michelle is counting on me.” For Senator John McCain’s funeral, Bush had charmingly given Michelle Obama a mint. For his dad’s funeral, he presented her a butterscotch candy. But the president stated that he…

ST. LOUIS – Eyes glued to his phone and following the free agent rumors with a constant swipe of the thumb, baseball writer Michael Chase hardly had time to realize that he placed his other hand directly on his hot stove. “Jesus Christ!” Chase screamed in response to the number of Bryce Harper suitors and to the excruciating pain of placing his hand on a 350-degree coil. “Who is gonna land this guy?” Upon tearing his hand away from the stove top and leaving hunks of his flesh behind, Chase managed to use both hands to send tweets confirming that the…

LOS ANGELES – Horror was the main theme of this year’s Thanksgiving in the City of Angels, as beloved actor Tom Hanks brutally massacred his family tradition when he butchered the carving of the turkey at the dinner table. “It was absolutely gruesome,” said cousin Gary Hanks, who watched aghast from the kitchen. “He just kept digging the knife in there, hacking away indiscriminately. And the most terrifying part? He was smiling and laughing the whole time.” According to Gary, Tom loomed over the table before dinner, sharpening his knives with a gleam in his eyes. Normally a steady hand, slicing…

MIAMI – In the final moments of Sunday’s game against Washington, New York Jets running back C.T. Edwards racked up a mild 24 yards on ten carries in the team’s 30-point blowout victory. At one point in the game’s waning minutes, Edwards carried the ball on six straight plays, running headfirst at full speed for four yards, only to have a pile of linemen fall on his knees at a force ten times what the human body is meant to withstand. An inquiry after the game to the NFL commissioner’s office was responded to by deputy commissioner Jay Mercyless. Mr. Mercyless…

BUCHAREST, Romania – Some people suffer from a mid-life crisis. Vampire Lord Ruthven is having a mid-millennium crisis. The Earl of Marsden has recently become increasingly uncertain of his role in the world, as he feels society is continually asking him to be different things. “To some I represent consumption, to others sexual desire,” the undead being said. “I’ve even been told I should be a stand-in for capitalism. But how do I see myself? I’m not sure anymore.” The competing expectations being placed on Lord Ruthven have begun to take a toll, leading the Earl to act out in attention-seeking…

TRANSYLVANIA – Characters in Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel Dracula are saying they are confused about Quincey P. Morris, a cowboy seemingly ripped from the pages of a pulp Western, who – for some inexplicable reason – plays a major role in the gothic tale set in Victorian England and Eastern Europe. “Nobody can figure out what Quincey is doing in this book,” said Jonathan Harker, the protagonist of Mr. Stoker’s classic horror story. “He showed up at a formal dinner party wearing leather chaps and a six-shooter. It was awkward.” Other characters in Dracula have also commented on Mr. Morris’…

LOS ANGELES – David Gordon Green, director of the new Halloween, confirmed a detail in an interview this week that fans have long wondered: will the new Michael Myers film finally unite the cinematic worlds of Halloween and Activia yogurt ads? “When Jason Blum originally pitched us Halloween, he said, ‘If you could do anything you wanted, what would it be?’” Green said. “And for myself and co-writer Danny McBride, there was really only one answer we could give: Center the entire thing around a probiotic yogurt.” “A number of Activia commercials take place in the kitchen,” said McBride. “So it…