Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

Source: Marc Nozell HOUSTON – In the middle of Thursday night’s Democratic debate, frontrunner and former vice president Joe Biden suddenly appeared lucid and screamed that he was not well to a packed audience. “This isn’t right!” Biden shouted with notable clarity, interrupting Andrew Yang during a response on the economy. “Why are you people letting me go through with this?!” Though no one on stage responded to Biden’s outburst, audience members after the debate remarked on Biden’s “coherence” and “articulate yelling,” noting that it was refreshing to see the former Vice President show the same panicked emotion they feel…

NASHUA, N.H. – Camp Ben Gurion had reason to celebrate tonight after Scarsdale native Evan Schwartz victoriously emerged from behind the tennis supplies shed with Hannah Rubenstein, the so-called “Baddie from Newton South.” Campers were suspicious when the couple left Shabbat services to allegedly use the restroom, but officials have now confirmed that the two were getting intimate and Schwartz did, in fact, receive a handjob. When reached for comment, Schwartz, who will star as Tevye in the upcoming camp production of Fiddler on the Roof, said he was “really excited” about it.  “It’s been a tough summer for Bunk…

WASHINGTON – When pressed on their reasons for believing a war with Iran may be necessary, several US military leaders and foreign policy advisors stated Wednesday that they could just really use a win right now. While speaking to the press, National Security Advisor John Bolton clarified that his support for a war with Iran is in no way motivated by oil, or selfish interests, but that he simply wants to help the US military get back in the groove, and shake off a rocky seventy years. “It’s been a tough run, we’ve tried our best, we left everything out…

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – Area man Josh Anderson claims his recent trip to the ER turned out to be a blessing in disguise. “For a little while, I didn’t think I would make it, and that was a real wake-up call. It’s funny, when I was laying there on my back, screaming in pain, all I could think about was that I’ve been living in the golden age of television, and I’ve let whole series just pass me by.” Josh’s roommate, Mike, tells us that upon arriving home from the hospital, Josh was like a completely different person. “Usually when Josh…

Source: Michael Vadon LITTLE ROCK, Ark. – Senator Tom Cotton awoke Sunday morning deeply shaken after one of his usual homoerotic incest dreams took a sinister turn to lucid, terrifying images of world peace. “I always look forward to my sexy daddy dreams,” the freshman senator from Arkansas said. “But what horrifies me most, if dreams really are a manifestation of the subconscious, is just what the hell all that world peace business was doing in there?” Cotton said things were just getting good when his dad, shirtless and sweaty, fixed the family truck’s muffler and asked for a lemonade…

WASHINGTON – In an announcement sure to please men around the world, today a group of climate scientists released a statement saying there is still time to get the boys together for one last night out. After what seems like an endless stream of bad news coming from the nation’s foremost climate scientists, the discovery that there’s still time to get the whole crew together and really live it up is sure to come as a much-needed reprieve. The study clarified that though the severity of climate change is continuing to grow, and that our planet will soon be uninhabitable,…

WASHINGTON – Experts worldwide are increasingly coming to the consensus that things will soon be getting worse. Additionally, most of these experts also agree that things will get far, far worse after that. While there are a few optimistic outliers, there is a near consensus on this issue, with “worsening” being the prevailing finding. “I don’t know what to tell you, it ain’t going to be getting any better anytime soon,” said Michelle Darby, a leading expert on these sorts of things. “I’ve been keeping an eye on things for a while, and we’re definitely looking at a trend of…

Following the ongoing epidemic of mass shootings, lawmakers are becoming increasingly concerned about America’s wax reserves, which are rapidly depleting. “We’ve been getting a lot of phone calls,” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “It’s clear Americans have had it with these low wax levels. We’re not deaf to the pleas of the people of this great country, so we need to act.” Though lowered wax reserves have been an issue in previous decades, it’s been only within the last twenty years that the levels have dropped to such alarming proportions, according to experts at the Wax Council. “We’ve never seen…

Source: Noah Salzman OAKLAND – Newly obtained intimate video of Steph Curry and his wife Ayesha clearly shows that the basketball superstar impregnated his wife from 28 feet away. “You can see Curry came off a down screen set by the bedroom chair, curled around a throw pillow, then squared his shoulders, set his feet, and fired,” said ESPN basketball analyst Tim Legler. “The arc and spin of Curry’s ‘man juice’ is clearly visible and a thing of beauty.” After a few seconds Ayesha can be heard off-camera saying, “Swish!” The two-time NBA Most Valuable Player (with mouthpiece hanging outside…

DES MOINES, Iowa – FBI Cyber Crimes officials apprehended local computer hacker Christopher Ostrander on charges of computer tampering in the first degree Monday morning. Ostrander is accused of being behind the recent Marriott data breach, exposing millions of customers’ personal data and information. The Des Moines Police Department also reports Ostrander is being charged with one count of indecent exposure at Crossroads Mall in nearby Plovis Township. Ostrander was charged in 2008 with hacking into Wells Fargo’s servers and spent four years in prison after accepting a plea deal. He was also arrested earlier in 2008 for a string…