Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

MEMO TO: ALL STAFF SUBJECT: SECRET SANTA To get in the office holiday spirit, I thought we could bring back Secret Santa this year. If you’re interested in participating, here’s how it works: The Drill Each participant will randomly pull a name out of a cup. Find the person whose name you drew and ask them who they last had lunch with. Take the first letter of the first name of that person and pick a card under that letter from the Holiday Gift Board in the 7th floor break room. You will then be tasked with getting a small gift for…

THE NORTH POLE – In a statement released by The North Pole Council Thursday, Santa Claus has decided against eating Cindy Watterson’s horrendous cookies again this year. “Mr. Claus is no longer going to be giving Cindy’s cookies a chance,” the Council said through a statement distributed to all North Pole residents and parents’ email accounts around the world. “Frankly, he’s already given her far too many chances that have cut into his Christmas Eve productivity.” According to the document, the seven-year-old girl from Massachusetts insisted on making the cookies herself for Santa with no interference from her own mother, Susan, other…

PASADENA – Late Monday night, Officer Dylan Costaneda couldn’t believe his eyes as he clicked on his Best Buy shopping cart – a Samsung 32” HDTV for only $199.99. “It’s the kind that plays your Netflix and Hulu too!” Officer Costaneda told sources. “Honestly, I feel kind of bad. Like I’m getting away with something.” Fresh off an uneventful shift, Costaneda expected most of the Cyber Monday deals to be expired or sold out. Much to his surprise, Best Buy’s online retailer provided the premium 1080p LED television for an affordable price. Officer Costaneda also made off scot-free to the…

OAK BROOK, Ill. – Thanksgiving still isn’t over for one large and lovable fluff ball. Charles the cat of the Morrison household is gearing up for a feast that can’t be beat, consisting of Thanksgiving leftovers no longer fit for human consumption. Waddling over to his food bowl, Charles dove in with gusto. Assuring himself that he deserved to cheat on his diet for the holidays, Charles, like a young Bacchus, gave himself over to the meat orgy. With the gravy flowing like wine, and the pile of leftover stuffing reaching as high towards the heavens as Mount Olympus, it was a meal…

As we continue our investigation into the very real possibility that the McRib is made of human meat, we have stumbled upon some startling facts regarding the sandwich’s history. Perhaps the most chilling aspect of the McRib’s existence is that numerous cannibals have been known to eat it and enjoy it thoroughly, more so than any self-respecting person should. Of course, we can’t exactly explain why, but our instincts tell us it has something to do with what could be the McRib’s main ingredient. Here are four infamous cannibals we found who were known to be fans of the sandwich: Issei Sagawa, a free…

DES MOINES, Iowa – In what has become a yearly tradition, Thomas Yeckley, an account manager at a local marketing agency, once again made a number of off-color and uncomfortable Cyber Monday jokes to his coworkers. Yeckley was found in the morning hovering around the entrance to the kitchen area where the coffee maker is located, telling his jokes to anyone within earshot. “Don’t bother me today Traci,” he was overheard saying. “I’ve got a lot of cybering to get done. You get it.” Later in the afternoon, Yeckley utilized the inter-office messaging service to continuously ask coworkers for their a/s/l, followed by…

Salt Lake City, UT -The situation continues to deteriorate in the locked-in Walmart, as rioters have formed factions and begun warring among themselves for control of the store and power over the prices. The tribes have been formed based on the five patches customers received upon entering the store, each bearing a distinctive image that have become crests for the opposing groups. The five images are the Walmart Smiley Face, a Christmas tree, a pile of presents, a skull and crossbones, and Santa Claus. The “Santas” have become associated with the Deer Cult and have so far proven to be…

Salt Lake City, UT – Starting at midnight Thursday, a local Walmart decided to open its doors for a Black Friday lock-in until December 6, but due to said lock-in, the only means of communication between the inside of the store and the outside world has been a flashlight shone through a window in a crude form of Morse code. “I love it! It’s like having my best friends and family all in the same place, and they’re not allowed to leave,” Stan the Greeter slowly flashed to camera crews stationed outside of the Walmart. “Sure, we’ve had to put the occasional…

CLEVELAND – Arriving at home for Thanksgiving, recent college grad and youngest child of single mom Diana Mitchell, James Mitchell was surprised to find that his mother had transitioned from a working mother to some sort of pack leader for three large dogs. Walking in the door, James was excited to see his mom and then head to his grandmother’s for a large Thanksgiving dinner. But instead of walking in to a flurry of hugs and “how are you’s,” he was instead greeted with a quiet group of dogs surrounding his mother and staring at him suspiciously. After a few moments of…

Salt Lake City, UT – Wanting to fully capitalize on this year’s amped-up Black Friday sales, Salt Lake-area Walmart manager Chad Wellmington announced that his store’s enlarged Black Friday will be an unending lock-in event. “What’s the point in leaving?” said Wellmington, clear excitement dripping through his voice. “Walmart has everything you need, and while we’re already letting everyone raid the in-store Pizza Hut, there’s certainly no reason to let anyone out. They can get everything they need here.” Starting at midnight Thursday, any customer who enters the Walmart will be not be allowed to leave until the end of the Black…