Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

Heaven – While God’s children have been busy gearing up for the holiday season, the Creator Himself has been busy gearing up for a more profitable Heaven in 2015, once again making a tremendous sacrifice for our livelihoods. Heaven will be going completely paperless, with electronic records, computerized processes and online billing to go into effect the first week of the upcoming year, God tells sources. “It is bold to make such a big change after 4.54 billion years in business. But in order to maintain a competitive advantage over other rising deities, it is the only way to stay afloat,” God…

Reno, NV – Area wife Michelle DiMarco remains in stable condition at Morgan J. Gordon Hospital after being admitted in a disoriented state earlier this morning. Sources say she was rushed to the emergency department upon finding she was physically unable to stop asking her dog if he was a good boy. According to friends, DiMarco has been questioning her dog Java about his behavior ever since she adopted him eight years ago, and this isn’t the first time things have gotten out of control. “Michelle has been slipping towards this for a long time,” husband James DiMarco admits, recalling that…

OAK BROOK, Ill. – Facing sagging revenues and a steady decrease of customers, fast-food giant McDonald’s has unveiled a number of new marketing campaigns to help generate business from a wide variety of new customer segments that are otherwise ignored in society, including maniacs, serial killers and psychopaths. “We’re attempting to create the widest possible net for potential customers,” said James Travers, VP of Marketing at the McDonald’s Corporation. “We believe that even the most mentally disturbed and dangerous among us need to eat.” One campaign already released features the tagline “Good Food, Great Ideas” and is advertised as a…

CINCINNATI – Using a long forgotten and deeply forbidden black magic, Warlock Kragthor the Bone Slayer and Soul Keeper summoned a shrinking spell from the burning depths of the lowest circle of hell to downsize the marketing department of Taste-E Dog Treats Limited. Sworn and bound to serve the Chief Marketing Officer for 3 cycles of the great mother moon, Kragthor spent many late nights in council with the Chief and many daybreaks in deep study of the marketing department. According to the mighty Chief, the marketing department had grown fat during the Years of Plenty, and the time for hiring free-lancers was nigh.…

NEW YORK – Proud New Yorkers from all five boroughs took to the streets today to celebrate the elimination of the last tree in the city, representing the end to an epidemic that has plagued the city since its founding. As recently as 2010, New York City was reported to have over five million trees infesting public and private spaces around the city, with a dangerous concentration located in Manhattan’s Central Park. Steady progress had been made on removing trees from the city since the 1956 “No Need for Trees” campaign spearheaded by Mayor Robert Wagner, who vowed to make New York “a modern city…

Washington, DC – In what can only be described as “totally awesome,” something happened today that was really cool and very good for a lot of people, which inexplicably angered some other people. After months of speculation as to whether or not this particularly cool, life-improving thing would actually happen, it happened, causing mass disapproval and the call, by some very angry people, for the resignation of some people who really didn’t have much to do with it at all. “I’m not exactly sure why I’m upset by this cool thing. I guess you could say that I’m just so…

UPDATE (11/13): McDonald’s has once again responded to us, but their denials are beginning to seem desperate and, quite frankly, pretty empty. UPDATE (11/12): McDonald’s has responded with a statement, but with the lack of a true denial, we can’t say we’re convinced. Amid increased pressure from consumer groups and people with any sort of common sense, McDonald’s is attempting to assure customers that the fast food chain’s popular McRib sandwich is, in fact, edible. The company even released a video where some guy shows a few paid-by-the-company stooges – including respected Mythbuster and now soul-seller Grant Imahara – to walk around a facility of some…

Richmond, VA – Local motorcycle owner, Clayton Morrison, is tired of his nagging shrew of a wife insisting that he wear a helmet, reported a frustrated Morrison. According to the 48-year-old advertising manager, Price, 46, regularly brings up facts and figures about the dangers of riding a motorcycle without a helmet and just doesn’t understand that “riding a chopper doesn’t mean a damn thing if you can’t feel the wind in your hair.” Though having lived together for nearly 24 years, Morrison had apparently missed all the signs of his wife’s chronic obsession with safety, in spite of the fact that she insists he…

Actually, no it won’t. Godzilla rose from the ocean and trampled all over Tokyo for a while, much to the terrified chagrin of the city’s residents. But then he defeated King Ghidorah by ripping off its wings and punting it into oblivion, so everything was deemed pretty square. After that, the King of the Monsters roared defiantly and slowly traipsed back to the sea, where he would rest until called upon to defend humanity once again. He just did it all in a festive party hat.

WASHINGTON – President Obama visited an area Subway today to pay his respects and formally acknowledge National Sandwich Day in the United States. A few minutes after 11 a.m., Obama, aided by a soldier in uniform, rested a large wreath on a stand. The president adjusted the wreath, stepped back and bowed his head in silence for a few moments. Afterward, an Army bugler played taps. Later in the morning, Obama spoke in a ceremony in the sandwich shop’s main dining area. “Today, we allow ourselves to stop and take a moment to remember the sandwiches that sacrificed themselves to feed our hungry…