Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

Salt Lake City, UT – Wanting to fully capitalize on this year’s amped-up Black Friday sales, Salt Lake-area Walmart manager Chad Wellmington announced that his store’s enlarged Black Friday will be an unending lock-in event. “What’s the point in leaving?” said Wellmington, clear excitement dripping through his voice. “Walmart has everything you need, and while we’re already letting everyone raid the in-store Pizza Hut, there’s certainly no reason to let anyone out. They can get everything they need here.” Starting at midnight Thursday, any customer who enters the Walmart will be not be allowed to leave until the end of the Black…

HOLLYWOOD – In a bold move, CBS announced today that it will be adding “gasp tracks” to all of its televised dramas following the holiday break. “Looking at the numbers for Two and a Half Men, Mike & Molly and The Big Bang Theory, it’s clear that Americans don’t have time to think about the shows they’re watching,” said Martin Shapiro, CBS programming director. “They want to be told when to laugh, and when to laugh really hard. So we thought, maybe they don’t know when to be shocked either.” The strategy will be applied to all CBS dramas, including popular…

Bentonville, AR – Walmart announced today the “Bigger & Blacker Black Friday” mega-event that would take place this year. Starting midnight on Thanksgiving, every Walmart store in the United States would become a 24-hour-a-day Black Friday extravaganza through 11:59 p.m. Saturday, December 6. “Black Friday is no longer about waking up at the crack of dawn to stand in long lines and hope for the best,” said Duncan Mac Naughton, chief merchandising officer, Walmart U.S. “It’s about the rush of adrenaline you get from running full speed through our aisles, fists clenched, ready to defend yourself for the chance to…

Heaven – While God’s children have been busy gearing up for the holiday season, the Creator Himself has been busy gearing up for a more profitable Heaven in 2015, once again making a tremendous sacrifice for our livelihoods. Heaven will be going completely paperless, with electronic records, computerized processes and online billing to go into effect the first week of the upcoming year, God tells sources. “It is bold to make such a big change after 4.54 billion years in business. But in order to maintain a competitive advantage over other rising deities, it is the only way to stay afloat,” God…

Reno, NV – Area wife Michelle DiMarco remains in stable condition at Morgan J. Gordon Hospital after being admitted in a disoriented state earlier this morning. Sources say she was rushed to the emergency department upon finding she was physically unable to stop asking her dog if he was a good boy. According to friends, DiMarco has been questioning her dog Java about his behavior ever since she adopted him eight years ago, and this isn’t the first time things have gotten out of control. “Michelle has been slipping towards this for a long time,” husband James DiMarco admits, recalling that…

OAK BROOK, Ill. – Facing sagging revenues and a steady decrease of customers, fast-food giant McDonald’s has unveiled a number of new marketing campaigns to help generate business from a wide variety of new customer segments that are otherwise ignored in society, including maniacs, serial killers and psychopaths. “We’re attempting to create the widest possible net for potential customers,” said James Travers, VP of Marketing at the McDonald’s Corporation. “We believe that even the most mentally disturbed and dangerous among us need to eat.” One campaign already released features the tagline “Good Food, Great Ideas” and is advertised as a…

CINCINNATI – Using a long forgotten and deeply forbidden black magic, Warlock Kragthor the Bone Slayer and Soul Keeper summoned a shrinking spell from the burning depths of the lowest circle of hell to downsize the marketing department of Taste-E Dog Treats Limited. Sworn and bound to serve the Chief Marketing Officer for 3 cycles of the great mother moon, Kragthor spent many late nights in council with the Chief and many daybreaks in deep study of the marketing department. According to the mighty Chief, the marketing department had grown fat during the Years of Plenty, and the time for hiring free-lancers was nigh.…

NEW YORK – Proud New Yorkers from all five boroughs took to the streets today to celebrate the elimination of the last tree in the city, representing the end to an epidemic that has plagued the city since its founding. As recently as 2010, New York City was reported to have over five million trees infesting public and private spaces around the city, with a dangerous concentration located in Manhattan’s Central Park. Steady progress had been made on removing trees from the city since the 1956 “No Need for Trees” campaign spearheaded by Mayor Robert Wagner, who vowed to make New York “a modern city…

Washington, DC – In what can only be described as “totally awesome,” something happened today that was really cool and very good for a lot of people, which inexplicably angered some other people. After months of speculation as to whether or not this particularly cool, life-improving thing would actually happen, it happened, causing mass disapproval and the call, by some very angry people, for the resignation of some people who really didn’t have much to do with it at all. “I’m not exactly sure why I’m upset by this cool thing. I guess you could say that I’m just so…

UPDATE (11/13): McDonald’s has once again responded to us, but their denials are beginning to seem desperate and, quite frankly, pretty empty. UPDATE (11/12): McDonald’s has responded with a statement, but with the lack of a true denial, we can’t say we’re convinced. Amid increased pressure from consumer groups and people with any sort of common sense, McDonald’s is attempting to assure customers that the fast food chain’s popular McRib sandwich is, in fact, edible. The company even released a video where some guy shows a few paid-by-the-company stooges – including respected Mythbuster and now soul-seller Grant Imahara – to walk around a facility of some…