Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

MOS EISLEY, Tatooine – After mounting pressure from various organizations and Tatooine administrative officials, the Intergalactic Borgleball League and the owner of the Mos Eisley Borgleball team has decided to change what many considered to be an offensive team name. Formerly the Tatooine Sand People, owner Jeoffery Sqaseldick announced that the name would be changed to the Mos Eisley Womp Rats, calling the old name “an offensive slur left over from a different time.” “It’s vital that we correct mistakes that have been made,” said Sqaseldick. “Even in Mos Eisley, the murder capital of the galaxy, we can do our part to…

ANN ARBOR, Mich. – Researchers at the University of Michigan have released a groundbreaking new study reporting conclusively that the K-T extinction event 65 million years ago was caused by a lethal mix of dinosaur pride and self-confidence. “In the last few decades, we’ve learned a great deal about dinosaurs’ dietary habits, their anatomy, and even their social structure,” McNeil said. “But this latest research is the first to give us a good close look at their cocky attitudes and all around nasty nature.” “From petrified swaggering footprints and who-gives-a-shit nest layouts to bravado in the face of more predatory dinosaurs, we…

LANDOVER, Md. – Sparing no expense, the Washington Redskins began their Columbus Day celebration this morning to the delight of their fans. Kicking off at 9:00 a.m., the celebration included a parade with Niña, Pinta and Santa María floats, a reenactment of Columbus’ discovery of America, and Native American face-painting for the kids. The celebrations will continue into the evening with adults-only firewater stands and a spooky “ghost dance,” perfect for October. Redskins owner Dan Snyder has been pleased with the results. “Everything’s coming together great and people are going to have a wonderful time,” Snyder said. “We at the Redskins know the…

The nation decided to pack up its baseball mitts and fishing poles and take a step back from father figures today after reading that Stephen Collins, the actor who played the pastor Eric Camden on 7th Heaven, was being investigated for child molestation. “I had been worried since the news first broke about the Catholic Church, then of course there’s been the ongoing issues in the NFL, but after hearing about Stephen Collins I think maybe I’m just going to take some time away from all male role models for awhile,” reported a wary nation. Citing a growing unease with adult males, all 316 million…

A prankster took a joke too far this week when he convinced top NBC executives to move forward with their planned October 22 premiere of A to Z. Weeks ago when the pilot episode of A to Z first became available to stream online, audiences nationwide were delighted at how a prankster must have hoodwinked programming executives into paying for production. But when news came out that the precocious jokster was actually tricking these helpless programmers into airing a formulaic rom-com in their popular Thursday night lineup, people were left wondering if this behind-the-scenes comedian knows when enough is enough. Update: In…

COLUMBUS, Ohio – A total of 99.57% of the haggis, neeps and tatties residing in Jonathan Carter’s stomach voted for independence this afternoon, according to a referendum commission as well as a local janitor. Early counting had put the outcome of the ballot beyond doubt, indicating the traditional Scottish food has secured a mandate to be vomited into an office trashcan just hours after initial consumption. “Right away, it was clear that this wasn’t going to be a fit,” said one correspondent. “Jonathan took one bite of that haggis and internal turmoil was immediately apparent.” Scottish cuisine like haggis (made of sheep’s heart liver and…

DENVER – In a surprising twist to local man Danny Yost’s physical, the doctor required a second, longer look at his testicles. “I need to check for…testiculitis,” the doctor said. Having no prior knowledge of medicine, Yost could not discern if this was a real disease. Meanwhile, the doctor continuously shooed away knocks at the door from nurses looking for him, as he continued to examine his patient’s genitals. “Is…is there anything wrong down there?” asked a nervous Yost after noticing he had been examined for 20 full minutes. “No, no,” the doctor smiled. “Everything looks just fine.” With a…

With the return of autumn, Americans are gearing up for another season of commercials for Papa John’s pizza. “I look forward to this all year,” said Todd Clemons of Pittsburgh. Wearing his lucky Papa John’s T-shirt, Clemons proclaimed that Papa John’s commercials were “his religion,” as they will be played on TV all day on Sundays through the fall and winter. To the delight of many fans, Peyton Manning will be returning to the world of Papa John’s for another season. Manning is considered by many to be the best spokesperson of his generation. “It’s like watching magic,” Indianapolis resident…

FALLDALE, Ind. – It’s been a few weeks since school started, but the freshmen at Benton University are still full of excitement about their upcoming college career. From classes and books to dorms and dinner, these college kids can’t wait to start making friends and debts that will last a lifetime. Brian Baker, a freshman Poli-Sci student, says that one of the things he’s most excited about is hanging out with his new roommate in the dorms. “We’re really going to make this a cool place to hang out. First thing we’re doing is setting up my Playstation 4 [purchased with money from student loans] in our [120%…

Wichita, KS – What started as just another meeting at the Health Info Group quickly went into territory unknown this morning when guest presenter, Jimmy Lopez, came cruising through the conference room door with a big box of coffee mugs. According to sources, the first reaction was one of general confusion. “First there was a sudden silence in the room,” reported one meeting attendee. “Then a building buzz of of questions. People were turning to their neighbors and asking, ‘What the hell do coffee mugs have to do with ACA reforms in public hospitals?'” But then Lopez made it clear…