Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

Richmond, VA – Local motorcycle owner, Clayton Morrison, is tired of his nagging shrew of a wife insisting that he wear a helmet, reported a frustrated Morrison. According to the 48-year-old advertising manager, Price, 46, regularly brings up facts and figures about the dangers of riding a motorcycle without a helmet and just doesn’t understand that “riding a chopper doesn’t mean a damn thing if you can’t feel the wind in your hair.” Though having lived together for nearly 24 years, Morrison had apparently missed all the signs of his wife’s chronic obsession with safety, in spite of the fact that she insists he…

Actually, no it won’t. Godzilla rose from the ocean and trampled all over Tokyo for a while, much to the terrified chagrin of the city’s residents. But then he defeated King Ghidorah by ripping off its wings and punting it into oblivion, so everything was deemed pretty square. After that, the King of the Monsters roared defiantly and slowly traipsed back to the sea, where he would rest until called upon to defend humanity once again. He just did it all in a festive party hat.

WASHINGTON – President Obama visited an area Subway today to pay his respects and formally acknowledge National Sandwich Day in the United States. A few minutes after 11 a.m., Obama, aided by a soldier in uniform, rested a large wreath on a stand. The president adjusted the wreath, stepped back and bowed his head in silence for a few moments. Afterward, an Army bugler played taps. Later in the morning, Obama spoke in a ceremony in the sandwich shop’s main dining area. “Today, we allow ourselves to stop and take a moment to remember the sandwiches that sacrificed themselves to feed our hungry…

It’s a beautiful sunny autumn day in the Bârgău Mountains, but underneath that handsome façade lurks an insidious sickness, a sickness that is draining the very lifeblood of this small Romanian village. For the last five months, the nobleman charged with administration of this county, Count Dracula, has neglected his duties. According to locals, the first sign of trouble was when the Count had an English lawyer over, then the next day missed a ribbon-cutting ceremony at the new town stable. “Since then it’s been one missed event and neglected duty after another,” says local resident Luminiţa Neacşu. “First the…

According to an exhaustive study released by the OECD, women monsters, creatures, and supernatural killers must work longer hours and resort to more gruesome methods to match their male counterparts. “It’s like we have to be everything, all at once,” says local witch, Gritzel the Evil. “Look at Frankenstein. All he does is basically show up and he gets a scare. You think a woman monster could get away with that? Not on your life.” While female monsters have come a long way since the spooky days of old, statistics show that the “scare-gap” has remained stagnant since the the…

BREAKING: Sources have confirmed that the spider eggs which have been growing in your ear canal for the past five days are about to hatch. Nestled against your eardrum and being warmed by the gentle pulsations of your heartbeat, the egg sack containing dozens of young spiders will soon burst, experts said. “Oh yeah, any minute now,” an anonymous source said. “Those eggs have reached critical mass. We all know you thought it was just an ear infection but…Christ…good luck, buddy.” In related news, the tick in your rectum has swollen to twice its size since last night.

NEW YORK CITY – Citing the typical rut that comes with big-city living, King Kong – once the most feared monster in the country and, arguably, the world – now finds himself in a state of existential despair. “What’s the point of all this anymore?” the gigantic ape said. “I terrorize a city full of 8.4 million people, but I’ve never felt more alone.” Residents have remarked recently about the monster’s apathetic attitude, even as he empties entire buses full of screaming people into his mouth. Where the ape would once grunt in delight at those begging for mercy, he now devours New…

ARGENTINA – Breaking the previous verified record by more than three years, an Argentinian man, Agustin Hernandez, has been declared the world’s oldest living person at the age of 125. Emerging from his small, quiet home in a remote part of the Andes, where he has lived since 1945, Hernandez greeted reporters with a warm smile and commanding speaking voice. Though he has been the world’s oldest person for several years, and has even been aware of it (despite his seclusion, many admirers keep him abreast of world affairs), Hernandez only recently made his presence known. “It is time the world knew…

MOS EISLEY, Tatooine – After mounting pressure from various organizations and Tatooine administrative officials, the Intergalactic Borgleball League and the owner of the Mos Eisley Borgleball team has decided to change what many considered to be an offensive team name. Formerly the Tatooine Sand People, owner Jeoffery Sqaseldick announced that the name would be changed to the Mos Eisley Womp Rats, calling the old name “an offensive slur left over from a different time.” “It’s vital that we correct mistakes that have been made,” said Sqaseldick. “Even in Mos Eisley, the murder capital of the galaxy, we can do our part to…

ANN ARBOR, Mich. – Researchers at the University of Michigan have released a groundbreaking new study reporting conclusively that the K-T extinction event 65 million years ago was caused by a lethal mix of dinosaur pride and self-confidence. “In the last few decades, we’ve learned a great deal about dinosaurs’ dietary habits, their anatomy, and even their social structure,” McNeil said. “But this latest research is the first to give us a good close look at their cocky attitudes and all around nasty nature.” “From petrified swaggering footprints and who-gives-a-shit nest layouts to bravado in the face of more predatory dinosaurs, we…