Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

It’s a beautiful sunny autumn day in the Bârgău Mountains, but underneath that handsome façade lurks an insidious sickness, a sickness that is draining the very lifeblood of this small Romanian village. For the last five months, the nobleman charged with administration of this county, Count Dracula, has neglected his duties. According to locals, the first sign of trouble was when the Count had an English lawyer over, then the next day missed a ribbon-cutting ceremony at the new town stable. “Since then it’s been one missed event and neglected duty after another,” says local resident Luminiţa Neacşu. “First the…

According to an exhaustive study released by the OECD, women monsters, creatures, and supernatural killers must work longer hours and resort to more gruesome methods to match their male counterparts. “It’s like we have to be everything, all at once,” says local witch, Gritzel the Evil. “Look at Frankenstein. All he does is basically show up and he gets a scare. You think a woman monster could get away with that? Not on your life.” While female monsters have come a long way since the spooky days of old, statistics show that the “scare-gap” has remained stagnant since the the…

BREAKING: Sources have confirmed that the spider eggs which have been growing in your ear canal for the past five days are about to hatch. Nestled against your eardrum and being warmed by the gentle pulsations of your heartbeat, the egg sack containing dozens of young spiders will soon burst, experts said. “Oh yeah, any minute now,” an anonymous source said. “Those eggs have reached critical mass. We all know you thought it was just an ear infection but…Christ…good luck, buddy.” In related news, the tick in your rectum has swollen to twice its size since last night.

NEW YORK CITY – Citing the typical rut that comes with big-city living, King Kong – once the most feared monster in the country and, arguably, the world – now finds himself in a state of existential despair. “What’s the point of all this anymore?” the gigantic ape said. “I terrorize a city full of 8.4 million people, but I’ve never felt more alone.” Residents have remarked recently about the monster’s apathetic attitude, even as he empties entire buses full of screaming people into his mouth. Where the ape would once grunt in delight at those begging for mercy, he now devours New…

ARGENTINA – Breaking the previous verified record by more than three years, an Argentinian man, Agustin Hernandez, has been declared the world’s oldest living person at the age of 125. Emerging from his small, quiet home in a remote part of the Andes, where he has lived since 1945, Hernandez greeted reporters with a warm smile and commanding speaking voice. Though he has been the world’s oldest person for several years, and has even been aware of it (despite his seclusion, many admirers keep him abreast of world affairs), Hernandez only recently made his presence known. “It is time the world knew…

MOS EISLEY, Tatooine – After mounting pressure from various organizations and Tatooine administrative officials, the Intergalactic Borgleball League and the owner of the Mos Eisley Borgleball team has decided to change what many considered to be an offensive team name. Formerly the Tatooine Sand People, owner Jeoffery Sqaseldick announced that the name would be changed to the Mos Eisley Womp Rats, calling the old name “an offensive slur left over from a different time.” “It’s vital that we correct mistakes that have been made,” said Sqaseldick. “Even in Mos Eisley, the murder capital of the galaxy, we can do our part to…

ANN ARBOR, Mich. – Researchers at the University of Michigan have released a groundbreaking new study reporting conclusively that the K-T extinction event 65 million years ago was caused by a lethal mix of dinosaur pride and self-confidence. “In the last few decades, we’ve learned a great deal about dinosaurs’ dietary habits, their anatomy, and even their social structure,” McNeil said. “But this latest research is the first to give us a good close look at their cocky attitudes and all around nasty nature.” “From petrified swaggering footprints and who-gives-a-shit nest layouts to bravado in the face of more predatory dinosaurs, we…

LANDOVER, Md. – Sparing no expense, the Washington Redskins began their Columbus Day celebration this morning to the delight of their fans. Kicking off at 9:00 a.m., the celebration included a parade with Niña, Pinta and Santa María floats, a reenactment of Columbus’ discovery of America, and Native American face-painting for the kids. The celebrations will continue into the evening with adults-only firewater stands and a spooky “ghost dance,” perfect for October. Redskins owner Dan Snyder has been pleased with the results. “Everything’s coming together great and people are going to have a wonderful time,” Snyder said. “We at the Redskins know the…

The nation decided to pack up its baseball mitts and fishing poles and take a step back from father figures today after reading that Stephen Collins, the actor who played the pastor Eric Camden on 7th Heaven, was being investigated for child molestation. “I had been worried since the news first broke about the Catholic Church, then of course there’s been the ongoing issues in the NFL, but after hearing about Stephen Collins I think maybe I’m just going to take some time away from all male role models for awhile,” reported a wary nation. Citing a growing unease with adult males, all 316 million…

A prankster took a joke too far this week when he convinced top NBC executives to move forward with their planned October 22 premiere of A to Z. Weeks ago when the pilot episode of A to Z first became available to stream online, audiences nationwide were delighted at how a prankster must have hoodwinked programming executives into paying for production. But when news came out that the precocious jokster was actually tricking these helpless programmers into airing a formulaic rom-com in their popular Thursday night lineup, people were left wondering if this behind-the-scenes comedian knows when enough is enough. Update: In…