Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. – Saying it’s “no big deal” and “everyone should just lighten up,” local pizza lover Adam Kenrow defended his support for the “five-hour rule” today. “It’s great, man,” Kenrow said. “Like, if you’re firing up the old Genesis and a slice falls off your plate and hits the floor and you don’t see it for two, three hours, what’s the big deal? It’s all good.” According to Kenrow, not only were full pieces in play, but also stray pepperonis, sausages and “big gobs of cheese.” When pressed for further comment, Kenrow reasoned, “God made dirt. Why should it hurt?”…

TOMMY’S PIZZA RESTAURANT – Saying it was “just a matter of time,” a local breadstick proclaimed that its status as an entrée was imminent. “Look, Americans will eat anything and call it a meal, right? For fuck’s sake, they’ll drink a smoothie and say it’s lunch,” the breadstick said. “So for a guy like me, all crisp and golden-brown with five, count ’em five, sauce options – there’s just no question.” The breadstick stressed that with the advent of novelties like bread twisters and cheesy bread, momentum was clearly in its favor. “They’re twisting me, they’re throwing cheese on top,…

HOLLYWOOD – In anticipation of the box office success of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Paramount Pictures has announced a slate of sequels and spin-offs that will take the franchise well into the year 2209. “We’re very excited to build on what I can only assume will be a hit,” CEO and Chairman Brad Grey said in a press conference. “And so we want to make sure we strike the iron while it’s hot. Over and over and over again.” Grey announced plans for 50 sequels featuring the Turtles, as well as spin-off solo movies for each of the half-shell heroes, Casey…

WASHINGTON – Saying it was “long overdue,” the Berenstain Bears visited the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum this week. “My grandfather died in Auschwitz,” Papa Bear said. “And my grandmother and mother barely got out of Poland alive. I…I really should have come here a long time ago.” Walking past thousands of pictures of victims and peering inside replicas of holding cells and boxcars, tears flowed freely for the family. Twenty-two of their relatives died during the European tragedy, including Papa Bear’s grandfather, Abraham Berenstain, and Mama Bear’s grandmother and uncle, Greta and Hiram Bearenski. “This is something we all needed…

Baltimore, MD – As punishment for beating his fiancé and knocking her unconscious, the NFL has decided to penalize All-Star running back Ray Rice with a two-game suspension and an all-expenses-paid trip to Disney World. “Actions like this will not be tolerated and will not be rewarded,” Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL, said as he handed Rice his passes, which will allow him free entry into all four Disney World parks. “We need to send a clear message on where we stand.” Rice, who also dragged his fiancé’s unconscious body out of an elevator after hitting her, is not…

RESTON, Va. – Local band Semen Transfusion play their music fast, but ever since their drummer was bitten by a radioactive cheetah, their tempo has been so extreme that they’ve broken a barrier considered by many scientists to be next to impossible. “I love playing aggressive, insane music, but ever since he went on that safari, we can’t have band practice without him ending up in a different part of the multiverse,” says frontman Ball Torture, regarding Hades Stomper, his band’s quick-handed drummer. After pounding the skins faster than the speed of light, Hades Stomper, of previous local favorites Skin Carafe,…

New York – Following months of allegations about his financial dealings in Iraq and Afghanistan, Oliver “Daddy” Warbucks has been found guilty of treason for war profiteering. Documents leaked by Edward Snowden initially implicated Warbucks, 52, in numerous “arms for oil” deals during the Iraq conflict. Further information uncovered by federal prosecutors showed Warbucks tipped off Al-Qaeda about several U.S. security operations in exchange for millions, laundered through a Swiss bank account. Prosecutors have sought life imprisonment in the case, though the judge has yet to rule on it. Reports indicate Warbucks plans to appeal. However, one Washington insider stated the…

IRVINE, Calif. – In a revealing interview this week, the CEO of Taco Bell, Greg Creed, revealed that he’s getting seriously worried about how much more the company can get out of the three ingredients they have available to them. “I’ve crunched the numbers, and there are only nine combinations we can make with this stuff,” Creed said. “We’ve already got more than that on the menu, and I’m not sure how much longer it’s going to be until someone figures that out.” Taco Bell has managed to dominate the fast food taco market for decades on their promise of “meat, cheese, tortilla…

Milwaukee, Wis. – Thomas and Jennifer McDaniels’ date night took a disastrous turn when the couple selected the 2012 French film Amour as a movie to close out the evening. The movie – which is about an elderly couple named Anne and Georges, and focuses on their struggle to adapt after Anne suffers a stroke, which in time renders her essentially a vegetable until Georges smothers her to death with a pillow – was a less than ideal choice to close out what until then had been a fairly romantic evening. “Everything had been going so well,” Jennifer explained. “We finally…

BOSTON, Mass. – With a sigh of relief, Jayni Smith called her run in with the ghost of a black man a “close call.” Jayni was all alone, on the way back to her car after a dinner party with some old friends when it happened. “I saw this black guy coming towards me so I dialed 911 on my phone, just in case,” she said. “Then I realized he was just a ghost and like, what’s a ghost going to do with my purse?” Explaining that she would usually pull out a can of pepper spray, or at the very…