Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

COLUMBUS, Ohio – A total of 99.57% of the haggis, neeps and tatties residing in Jonathan Carter’s stomach voted for independence this afternoon, according to a referendum commission as well as a local janitor. Early counting had put the outcome of the ballot beyond doubt, indicating the traditional Scottish food has secured a mandate to be vomited into an office trashcan just hours after initial consumption. “Right away, it was clear that this wasn’t going to be a fit,” said one correspondent. “Jonathan took one bite of that haggis and internal turmoil was immediately apparent.” Scottish cuisine like haggis (made of sheep’s heart liver and…

DENVER – In a surprising twist to local man Danny Yost’s physical, the doctor required a second, longer look at his testicles. “I need to check for…testiculitis,” the doctor said. Having no prior knowledge of medicine, Yost could not discern if this was a real disease. Meanwhile, the doctor continuously shooed away knocks at the door from nurses looking for him, as he continued to examine his patient’s genitals. “Is…is there anything wrong down there?” asked a nervous Yost after noticing he had been examined for 20 full minutes. “No, no,” the doctor smiled. “Everything looks just fine.” With a…

With the return of autumn, Americans are gearing up for another season of commercials for Papa John’s pizza. “I look forward to this all year,” said Todd Clemons of Pittsburgh. Wearing his lucky Papa John’s T-shirt, Clemons proclaimed that Papa John’s commercials were “his religion,” as they will be played on TV all day on Sundays through the fall and winter. To the delight of many fans, Peyton Manning will be returning to the world of Papa John’s for another season. Manning is considered by many to be the best spokesperson of his generation. “It’s like watching magic,” Indianapolis resident…

FALLDALE, Ind. – It’s been a few weeks since school started, but the freshmen at Benton University are still full of excitement about their upcoming college career. From classes and books to dorms and dinner, these college kids can’t wait to start making friends and debts that will last a lifetime. Brian Baker, a freshman Poli-Sci student, says that one of the things he’s most excited about is hanging out with his new roommate in the dorms. “We’re really going to make this a cool place to hang out. First thing we’re doing is setting up my Playstation 4 [purchased with money from student loans] in our [120%…

Wichita, KS – What started as just another meeting at the Health Info Group quickly went into territory unknown this morning when guest presenter, Jimmy Lopez, came cruising through the conference room door with a big box of coffee mugs. According to sources, the first reaction was one of general confusion. “First there was a sudden silence in the room,” reported one meeting attendee. “Then a building buzz of of questions. People were turning to their neighbors and asking, ‘What the hell do coffee mugs have to do with ACA reforms in public hospitals?'” But then Lopez made it clear…

Pittsburgh, PA – Last night, local band Unrighteous Dignation played their biggest gig yet at The Brass Monkey Tavern. Ten people were in attendance, representing the closest friends and family of bandmates Tyler Flank, Steven Durgen and Jesse Iker. “This was definitely their best show yet,” Steven’s roommate and childhood friend Jeff proclaimed. “I’ve been to all their shows the last five years and they just keep getting better. Any time now they’re going to make it big.” Unrighteous Dignation’s eclectic punk-techno-swing mix has earned it a devout following of friends, Jesse’s girlfriend, and Tyler’s parents, who still don’t quite…

ANN ARBOR, Mich., Aug 26, 2014 /PRNewswire/ — Domino’s Pizza (NYSE: DPZ), the recognized world leader in pizza delivery, continues to advance the field of marketing with their new “Do Yourself a Favor and Get a Pizza Tonight” campaign. The flagship of the campaign is a new commercial being broadcast across the country featuring a cigar-smoking union representative who, upon hearing that you might stay in and make dinner tonight, suggests that “it’d be a real shame if something was to happen to that nice kitchen of yours.” He’s also featured prominently on billboards and newspaper ads holding a two…

Davenport, IA – Telling him it’s “very natural,” a local father assured his son that the Chuck E. Cheese band nightmares he’s been experiencing are just a part of growing up. “Your body is changing,” the father said in a private moment. “And this is something that happens. You grow up thinking the Chuck E. Cheese band is kind of fun and silly, and then one day you see them differently – as the manifestations of all your primal fears.” Though the boy has had recurring nighttime visions of the animatronic band, he has struggled to make sense of them.…

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. – Saying it’s “no big deal” and “everyone should just lighten up,” local pizza lover Adam Kenrow defended his support for the “five-hour rule” today. “It’s great, man,” Kenrow said. “Like, if you’re firing up the old Genesis and a slice falls off your plate and hits the floor and you don’t see it for two, three hours, what’s the big deal? It’s all good.” According to Kenrow, not only were full pieces in play, but also stray pepperonis, sausages and “big gobs of cheese.” When pressed for further comment, Kenrow reasoned, “God made dirt. Why should it hurt?”…

TOMMY’S PIZZA RESTAURANT – Saying it was “just a matter of time,” a local breadstick proclaimed that its status as an entrée was imminent. “Look, Americans will eat anything and call it a meal, right? For fuck’s sake, they’ll drink a smoothie and say it’s lunch,” the breadstick said. “So for a guy like me, all crisp and golden-brown with five, count ’em five, sauce options – there’s just no question.” The breadstick stressed that with the advent of novelties like bread twisters and cheesy bread, momentum was clearly in its favor. “They’re twisting me, they’re throwing cheese on top,…