Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

Milwaukee, Wis. – Thomas and Jennifer McDaniels’ date night took a disastrous turn when the couple selected the 2012 French film Amour as a movie to close out the evening. The movie – which is about an elderly couple named Anne and Georges, and focuses on their struggle to adapt after Anne suffers a stroke, which in time renders her essentially a vegetable until Georges smothers her to death with a pillow – was a less than ideal choice to close out what until then had been a fairly romantic evening. “Everything had been going so well,” Jennifer explained. “We finally…

BOSTON, Mass. – With a sigh of relief, Jayni Smith called her run in with the ghost of a black man a “close call.” Jayni was all alone, on the way back to her car after a dinner party with some old friends when it happened. “I saw this black guy coming towards me so I dialed 911 on my phone, just in case,” she said. “Then I realized he was just a ghost and like, what’s a ghost going to do with my purse?” Explaining that she would usually pull out a can of pepper spray, or at the very…

St. Paul, Minnesota – Sources report that self-proclaimed “Kebab King” Joey de Angelis has been anxiously following news of the conflict in the middle east spurred by the Iraqi militant group known as ISIS. “This fighting has driven the price of kebab imports through the roof,” said Mr. de Angelis in an interview, “The kebab tree grows in a very limited area of the middle east, and right now I’m terrified at what’s going to happen to my business if this conflict continues much longer.” But Joey de Angelis isn’t the only one worried about the future of Iraq. His 5 employees at…

Glancing at his watch, it slowly began to dawn on comedy show audience member Richard Johnson that coming to this show may have been the biggest mistake of his life. With a growing sense of unease, he started to wonder just what he had gotten himself into when he bought tickets to the Zane Boren Comedy Special at the local comedy club, the Tickle Factory. At first, everything had seemed wonderful. Dinner at the Cheesecake Factory with his fiancee Stacie had been phenomenal, and the two couldn’t wait to get through the meal and over to the comedy show. Walking into the club,…

CLEVELAND – Jeffery Bruller, 28, works as a local bank teller and is absolutely beside himself that he has not met the woman he will marry in the five weeks his OkCupid profile has been online. Bruller, who is also an avid collector of swords and knives and poses with them regularly in pictures, cannot understand why he hasn’t been messaged by his dream girl. “I’m really not sure what I’m doing wrong,” Bruller said. “I answered a bunch of their matchmaking questions, and I only message women who are a good match, like 80% or higher.” “Unless they’re ‘curvy’ or…

Hollywood, CA – In a move to further cement what they hope will be a powerhouse tentpole franchise, Warner Bros. announced today that the upcoming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will feature a slate of fresh heroes, many new to the silver screen. “We at Warner think it’s time that great characters like Wonder Woman and Aquaman finally made the leap from newsstands to theaters,” said Jeffrey Rosenberg, head of Warner’s creative development team. “As well as fan favorites like Max Mercury, Elongated Man, the Atom, Dr. Strange, Jubilee, Lou Ferrigno’s version of the Incredible Hulk, Jabberjaw and Danger…

WASHINGTON – U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics researchers this week released a study that found 95 percent of all career decisions were decided by the proximity of the job to affordable restaurants, sandwich shops, delis and cafes. “We were surprised by the results,” lead author Dr. Richard Davis said. “We knew things like commute time, salary and health benefits would be major factors, but the availability of cheap burritos came out of left-field.” The study listed its “Top Influencing Factors for Career Change” as: Really good but still cheap burger places nearby Great tacos that don’t fall apart in your hands right away just…

ZANESVILLE, Ohio – In a developing story, local mother Karen Ross, 47, has confounded her two children with vague and at times contradictory details about that one actor she likes. According to Dylan Ross, 22, his mother mentioned recently watching a movie she enjoyed but gave only sketchy plot details before attempting to recall the leading man. Sources indicate the man has been described as “goofy” and “tallish” as well as “pretty darn cute” and with “sort of a mean streak.” “She said the movie was kind of a thriller, so I thought Liam Neeson was a good guess,” said Dylan.…