Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

St. Paul, Minnesota – Sources report that self-proclaimed “Kebab King” Joey de Angelis has been anxiously following news of the conflict in the middle east spurred by the Iraqi militant group known as ISIS. “This fighting has driven the price of kebab imports through the roof,” said Mr. de Angelis in an interview, “The kebab tree grows in a very limited area of the middle east, and right now I’m terrified at what’s going to happen to my business if this conflict continues much longer.” But Joey de Angelis isn’t the only one worried about the future of Iraq. His 5 employees at…

Glancing at his watch, it slowly began to dawn on comedy show audience member Richard Johnson that coming to this show may have been the biggest mistake of his life. With a growing sense of unease, he started to wonder just what he had gotten himself into when he bought tickets to the Zane Boren Comedy Special at the local comedy club, the Tickle Factory. At first, everything had seemed wonderful. Dinner at the Cheesecake Factory with his fiancee Stacie had been phenomenal, and the two couldn’t wait to get through the meal and over to the comedy show. Walking into the club,…

CLEVELAND – Jeffery Bruller, 28, works as a local bank teller and is absolutely beside himself that he has not met the woman he will marry in the five weeks his OkCupid profile has been online. Bruller, who is also an avid collector of swords and knives and poses with them regularly in pictures, cannot understand why he hasn’t been messaged by his dream girl. “I’m really not sure what I’m doing wrong,” Bruller said. “I answered a bunch of their matchmaking questions, and I only message women who are a good match, like 80% or higher.” “Unless they’re ‘curvy’ or…

Hollywood, CA – In a move to further cement what they hope will be a powerhouse tentpole franchise, Warner Bros. announced today that the upcoming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will feature a slate of fresh heroes, many new to the silver screen. “We at Warner think it’s time that great characters like Wonder Woman and Aquaman finally made the leap from newsstands to theaters,” said Jeffrey Rosenberg, head of Warner’s creative development team. “As well as fan favorites like Max Mercury, Elongated Man, the Atom, Dr. Strange, Jubilee, Lou Ferrigno’s version of the Incredible Hulk, Jabberjaw and Danger…

WASHINGTON – U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics researchers this week released a study that found 95 percent of all career decisions were decided by the proximity of the job to affordable restaurants, sandwich shops, delis and cafes. “We were surprised by the results,” lead author Dr. Richard Davis said. “We knew things like commute time, salary and health benefits would be major factors, but the availability of cheap burritos came out of left-field.” The study listed its “Top Influencing Factors for Career Change” as: Really good but still cheap burger places nearby Great tacos that don’t fall apart in your hands right away just…

ZANESVILLE, Ohio – In a developing story, local mother Karen Ross, 47, has confounded her two children with vague and at times contradictory details about that one actor she likes. According to Dylan Ross, 22, his mother mentioned recently watching a movie she enjoyed but gave only sketchy plot details before attempting to recall the leading man. Sources indicate the man has been described as “goofy” and “tallish” as well as “pretty darn cute” and with “sort of a mean streak.” “She said the movie was kind of a thriller, so I thought Liam Neeson was a good guess,” said Dylan.…

Evansville, IN – In his weekly press conference at Strawberry Estates, Kit Kat the Horse reiterated his tough stance on the insurgency of radical Islamists in a reformed Iraq. “By telegraphing our exit from the country, President Obama put all of Iraq’s citizens at risk of something like this,” Kit Kat said while enjoying a sugar cube. Related articles VIDEO: ‘Iraq could face break-up’ – Allawi Fears for Australians in Iraq as Isis insurgents near Baghdad ISIS Insurgents Gain New Ground in Iraq Robot Butt News Corp. Headlines for June 2, 2014 Things You Should Know About: ‘Giraffes on Horseback…

San Francisco – Hot on the heels of announcing a $1 surcharge as a “Safe Rides Fee,” tech taxi service Uber has announced another set of surcharges for the vehicles’ seat belts. “It is really important that our customers have the best riding experience we can offer,” Uber CEO Travis Kalanick said today in a press conference. He then pointed out that the surcharge was necessary to ensure that all Uber vehicles are up to the standards expected from customers. “I think the extra $5 is worth it for the convenience and leisure we offer.” In addition to the $5 fee…