Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

ZANESVILLE, Ohio – In a developing story, local mother Karen Ross, 47, has confounded her two children with vague and at times contradictory details about that one actor she likes. According to Dylan Ross, 22, his mother mentioned recently watching a movie she enjoyed but gave only sketchy plot details before attempting to recall the leading man. Sources indicate the man has been described as “goofy” and “tallish” as well as “pretty darn cute” and with “sort of a mean streak.” “She said the movie was kind of a thriller, so I thought Liam Neeson was a good guess,” said Dylan.…

Evansville, IN – In his weekly press conference at Strawberry Estates, Kit Kat the Horse reiterated his tough stance on the insurgency of radical Islamists in a reformed Iraq. “By telegraphing our exit from the country, President Obama put all of Iraq’s citizens at risk of something like this,” Kit Kat said while enjoying a sugar cube. Related articles VIDEO: ‘Iraq could face break-up’ – Allawi Fears for Australians in Iraq as Isis insurgents near Baghdad ISIS Insurgents Gain New Ground in Iraq Robot Butt News Corp. Headlines for June 2, 2014 Things You Should Know About: ‘Giraffes on Horseback…

San Francisco – Hot on the heels of announcing a $1 surcharge as a “Safe Rides Fee,” tech taxi service Uber has announced another set of surcharges for the vehicles’ seat belts. “It is really important that our customers have the best riding experience we can offer,” Uber CEO Travis Kalanick said today in a press conference. He then pointed out that the surcharge was necessary to ensure that all Uber vehicles are up to the standards expected from customers. “I think the extra $5 is worth it for the convenience and leisure we offer.” In addition to the $5 fee…

São Paulo, Brazil – Fed up with being forced to think about the plight of the Brazilian worker, football fans in Brazil have gone on strike, protesting all the protests they’ve had to see. “Airport workers are on strike, the subway workers threatened to strike, I’m tired of all these strikes, and I’m not going to watch soccer in peace until they stop,” says Joe Macklin, leader of the Football Fans For Striking or 3FS. Football fans, who were merely looking for a way to forget all their troubles and focus their attention on a game, voted to call for a strike a few…

St. Louis, MO – “Die dee dint gim attention oooooohhhhhhh two da fak da momee din kaaaaaaaa!” sang self-proclaimed Pearl Jam superfan Chad Dawson. “I’ve always loved Pearl Jam,” Dawson said. “Ever since I caught ’em on their Yield Tour back in ’98, I just haven’t been able to stop.” “‘Germy’ [sic] has always been my all-time favorite song,” Dawson continued. “But sometimes you have to stop and wonder if Pearl Jam even knows how to write a bad song.” “They’re sing-along songs, you know?” Dawson explained. “There’s nothing better than driving down the freeway with a couple of buddies, jamming out to…

PUDDINGTON CITY, Puddington – Candy Land, long the liberal bastion of the Candy Realm, has traditionally been a haven for refugees from its less democratic neighbors. Now, in the wake of a recent coup, Candy Land’s new monarch, King Kandy, has begun a brutal but delicious crackdown on dissenters, leading to thousands fleeing the kingdom. A leader of the exile community, Tom Taffy, says dozens of professors, activists and candymen weren’t able to make it out. Many of those caught have been imprisoned, sent to reeducation camps, or executed. “Lots of us won’t be going home for a long time,” Mr. Taffy,…

BAXLEY, Calif. – Sitting down to eat, Michael Lee didn’t seem any different from the dozens of other hungry lunch-goers around him. However, that illusion was quickly destroyed as soon as he flipped open his box of chicken nuggets and started to chow down. That’s when his depravity became clear, because Mr. Lee is very different from normal people. Mr. Lee eats chicken nuggets without any sauce. According to psychologist Dr. Ray Turner, this behavior is “a sure sign of severe mental imbalance.” “While there may one day be some cure to this sickness, current experimental procedures such as Mainlined BBQ and Irradiated Honey Mustard…

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Ideation, communication, workplace synergy. These are buzzwords that often get thrown around when a company has decided the time has come to tear down the oppressive walls of last century cubicle design. While an office with no walls around desks can help increase interactions between employees, what about all the little things employees lose? This includes: Nose-picking Wedgie-picking Teeth-picking All those private picking moments get thrown in the dumpster along with those once-hated cubicles. So maybe it’s time to ask – is the cost too high? Related articles Putin’s Nose Tickled By Soda Anthropomorphic Melon Baller Gets the Scoop on…

It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, flags were waving, and a classroom of first-grade students was quietly reading Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. It was an all-American scene straight from a Norman Rockwell painting. A scene that was about to be torn to pieces by one young student. During a quiet moment as teacher, Ms. Henderson, went to turn a page, first-grader Ryan Thomas stood up from his desk, cleared his throat, and in a calm, clear voice, yelled the word, “booger.” The classroom immediately erupted and chaos reigned for the next few minutes. In a shocked…