Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

In a move fashionistas and experts in Catholicism around the world are calling “a stunning new approach to the papacy,” His Holiness Pope Francis has shaken things up at the Vatican by sporting a dashing new fedora in lieu of a more traditional ceremonial headdress. A spokesman for the Holy See has said this move is just one of many that Pope Francis plans on making to help the church stay up-to-date with the modern world. “This is an historical moment for the church,” said Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi. “His Holiness has been making some phenomenal changes in how…

MALIBU, Calif. – California executed an inmate early Monday only a few miles from where prosecutors say this former surfer-turned-murderer orchestrated the hanging of ten people. Brody “Switchfoot” Falcon’s last words were, “The surf may have been a little too gnarly when I wiped out those ten people, but thanks to my most awesome dude Jesus, I know I’ll be carving waves in heaven soon. All glory to the great forgiver, bro.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an absolutely disgusting display that made everyone around him uncomfortable, a tourist visiting Washington, D.C. debased himself by asking a local for directions. The man-child, who apparently couldn’t navigate his way out of a paper bag to save his life, approached a resident of the nation’s capital and begged for instructions on how to reach the Lincoln Monument. Initially having withdrawn in disgust, the D.C. local managed to push past the visitor’s out-of-town-stink and choke out an answer, even going so far as to point out intersections on the tourist’s ragged and filthy “Welcome to D.C.” map. Without…

Fathers across the United States have released their latest report detailing the year’s top knuckleheads. The much-anticipated Knucklehead Report was released earlier this week and is a culmination of a father-funded fact-finding mission that lasted through all of 2013. Some of the standouts in the report included: the goof-offs in Congress that halfwit neighbor that leaves his trash cans too far out in the street Billy’s blockhead friends that scatterbrain mechanic the dolt that made this lawnmower the snake oil salesman at the muffler shop every pudding-brained in-law Tina’s meathead boyfriend that scab-picking nephew the goober at McDonald’s that spilled the fries all…

Edina, MN – One hungry little fly has a big problem with one instance of zoological nomenclature. “I’m a fly, I’m eating butter, and you’re telling me that this guy with the big wings gets called a ‘butterfly?” says local butter-hungry fly, Hugh Morgan. “This f@#king c@%cksucker doesn’t even eat butter, but I’m the one that gets eyerolls when I point out the naming disparity,” added the fly. When asked about this unusual insect naming, Dr. James Roberson, entomologist, and professor at the University of Minnesota explained, “Many insects and animals have unusual or misleading names, often because researchers didn’t fully understand the habits…

Naperville, IL – Nick Sanchez, an employee of Careholdings, Inc. was caught off-guard in the bathroom today when he found himself stuck in the middle of an impromptu business meeting as his manager, Tad Reynolds, sidled up to the urinal next to him. Unzipping his trousers and beginning to audibly urinate, Reynolds turned to a horrified Sanchez and launched into a discussion about the state of the company and their department. “Our numbers aren’t looking so great this quarter,” Reynolds said, while holding his wild turkey with a firm, but comfortable grip. “And I’m a little worried about the marketing department’s…

Local chicken Jan Wilson is taking a stand against the term “jerk chicken.” “It’s rude, it’s crude, and it’s just plain unfair,” said Jan about the “jerk” label. “Enough is enough,” squawked Jan, whose cooked flesh was mouthwateringly crisped to perfection. “I’m tired of being called a jerk. Maybe I’m just opinionated!” The chicken’s friends, however, disagreed. “I guess I’d call myself her friend,” said Jan’s neighbor, Clarice Evans. “But it’s really one of those things where I’ve known her for so long it’d be weird to call her anything else.” “It’s not that she’s a total nightmare to be around,” Clarice added. “But she’s,…

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Dallas, TX – The Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport Burger King has introduced a new item – a $300 Whopper, with no discernible difference from the Whoppers one can get much cheaper at any Burger King located in the outside world. Manager Brian Kushner is operating under the notion that an airport terminal is often nothing more than a lawless, chaotic frenzy for sustenance, and people will eat anything in the rush to make a flight. “We know that people in an airport are desperate for food,” Kushner said. “It’s as if they believe they’ll never have an opportunity to eat again.” The Burger King…

St. Petersburg, FL – The sun was shining hot and the ocean breeze was blowing cool as the Peterson family made their way down to the beach. On their yearly trip to St. Petersburg to visit their grandparents, the Petersons could hardly wait to get out of the house and onto the sand. The day was lining up to be one of the best this family had ever had. That is, until this family beach day came to a grinding halt for youngest child, 14-year-old TJ Peterson. TJ had just sat himself under the family’s big beach umbrella to get some sunscreen…