Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

GAITHERSBURG, Md. – A local smoker and joker on Wednesday issued a blanket denial of being a midnight toker. Jeremy Peterson, the smoker and joker in question said the allegations made by a number of friends and coworkers are completely untrue, and in his opinion “pretty unfair.” “That Steve Miller song has really given a lot of smokers and jokers a bad name, and I think it’s time someone stood up and said, ‘No, that’s not me. That’s not who I am,” said Mr. Peterson. However, some of his friends disagree. “I’ve known Jeremy a long time,” said long time friend of…

In a ritual as old as time, a banana recently went through a sacred coming of age tradition in which it spent two days and three nights in a brown paper bag. Like a young Siddhartha in the famous Herman Hesse book of the same name, this noble young banana could only grow into its prime by walking its own path, and for awhile at least, going off on its own. Away from the disruptive and jocular manners of its peers and hidden away from the world, the banana was able to truly find itself, casting away the bitterness and embracing…

MIAMI – For the last two weeks, Barry University student Wayne Wenger has been missing, and all anyone can say for sure is that he’s nowhere near the missing person poster on the corner of 34th Street and 11th Avenue. When asked about the ongoing search, neighborhood resident, Jennifer Cowart said, “I looked at the poster, then looked around where I was standing. I didn’t see this Wayne guy nearby so I just went on with my day.” Police are asking people in the area to remain vigilant, and are considering putting up a second poster at the post office.

It was a cold, snowy day when ace reporter Thadius Melonballer got the call. A house down on Auburn Rd. had been robbed, and Robot Butt needed the story. The police did their best to cover it up, but Thadius went to work. So today, the editors of Robot Butt want to take a moment and shine the spotlight on our top-notch award-winning reporter Melonballer. Thanks to his tireless efforts, our reporter dug deep and got the scoop. It’s shining examples of journalism like this that make Robot Butt what it is today.

What was once the Internet’s top spot for viewing useless spam ads has recently made a rare misstep by adding an absolutely baffling weather widget. Users and fans have been vocal about their dislike of this new move, with one commenter writing, “I used to go to this site to see ads. If I wanted weather, I’d just check my Weather.com toolbar or desktop app.” The site has yet to respond, but the web browser add-on WeatherBlocker has seen a 65% increase in users since the site’s update.

The last thing Mary remembered was walking in the park with her family. Her and her husband, Don, had just gotten the family a new puppy, and the kids wanted to show the tiny golden lab all their favorite places. She was just turning her head towards Don to tell him how much fun she was having when, in the blink of an eye, everything changed. Waking up suddenly, Mary Patterson was shocked to find herself standing in the front of a crowded room, evidently leading some sort of business conference. Glancing around for any clue of what she was doing there or…

Amanda Smithers, a junior at Riverside High, recently announced the birth of her daughter, Samantha. The 16-year-old says that so far, this pregnancy has been the best thing that’s ever happened to her. “This has just been great,” said Amanda. “People are coming up to me all the time and telling me how cute me and Samantha are. Plus I’m getting presents like, all the time from my family. And teachers have really lightened up on assignments. I haven’t gotten any homework done since, like, February, and I’m still getting really good grades.” Amanda says she plans to stay in…

Messiah Bloodbath, one of the world’s most famous death metal bands, took a break from its 50-city tour to surprise patients at the local children’s hospital on Wednesday. Playing such hits and fan favorites as “The Merciless Reign of Satan,” “Frozen in Flames,” “Eternal Bloodlust,” “Goathead Destroyer,” “Demon Thirst,” “Soul Sewn Shut,” “Unrelenting Suffering from the Grave,” “Death Thrasher,” “Satan’s Eternal Slave” and more, Messiah Bloodbath played a two-hour set that certainly brought joy to all of the children in the ICU. “We just want to give back to the community,” said lead guitarist James Page, who goes by ‘Annihilator…

LOS ANGELES – Critics are anticipating a great year for television as TV writers gear up to start work on an upcoming fall lineup. In the upcoming days, a core group of television writers will meet under the huge vaulted ceiling of the beautiful Writers Guild headquarters. From there, they’ll decide everything from new programming, to which of your favorite characters will get killed off in the coming months. The Ceremony of the Fall Lineup dates back to ancient Greece, when writers would gather together to decide which of the popular politicians of the day would be lampooned in that…

Some say you should never meet your heroes. But local harmonica player, Rob Miller, disagrees. Citing Blues Traveler frontman John Popper’s style and technique as a harmonica virtuoso, Rob reported that he would absolutely love to meet him. “Whenever I’m feeling stressed or lonely, I always turn straight to my harmonica,” said Mr. Miller, “and when I need inspiration, I just sit back and take in some Blues Traveler.” Rob insists that he’s nowhere near as good as John Popper, “at least, not yet,” but that it’s “always been a dream to meet him, and maybe share some techniques, or…