Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

Fathers across the United States have released their latest report detailing the year’s top knuckleheads. The much-anticipated Knucklehead Report was released earlier this week and is a culmination of a father-funded fact-finding mission that lasted through all of 2013. Some of the standouts in the report included: the goof-offs in Congress that halfwit neighbor that leaves his trash cans too far out in the street Billy’s blockhead friends that scatterbrain mechanic the dolt that made this lawnmower the snake oil salesman at the muffler shop every pudding-brained in-law Tina’s meathead boyfriend that scab-picking nephew the goober at McDonald’s that spilled the fries all…

Edina, MN – One hungry little fly has a big problem with one instance of zoological nomenclature. “I’m a fly, I’m eating butter, and you’re telling me that this guy with the big wings gets called a ‘butterfly?” says local butter-hungry fly, Hugh Morgan. “This f@#king c@%cksucker doesn’t even eat butter, but I’m the one that gets eyerolls when I point out the naming disparity,” added the fly. When asked about this unusual insect naming, Dr. James Roberson, entomologist, and professor at the University of Minnesota explained, “Many insects and animals have unusual or misleading names, often because researchers didn’t fully understand the habits…

Naperville, IL – Nick Sanchez, an employee of Careholdings, Inc. was caught off-guard in the bathroom today when he found himself stuck in the middle of an impromptu business meeting as his manager, Tad Reynolds, sidled up to the urinal next to him. Unzipping his trousers and beginning to audibly urinate, Reynolds turned to a horrified Sanchez and launched into a discussion about the state of the company and their department. “Our numbers aren’t looking so great this quarter,” Reynolds said, while holding his wild turkey with a firm, but comfortable grip. “And I’m a little worried about the marketing department’s…

Local chicken Jan Wilson is taking a stand against the term “jerk chicken.” “It’s rude, it’s crude, and it’s just plain unfair,” said Jan about the “jerk” label. “Enough is enough,” squawked Jan, whose cooked flesh was mouthwateringly crisped to perfection. “I’m tired of being called a jerk. Maybe I’m just opinionated!” The chicken’s friends, however, disagreed. “I guess I’d call myself her friend,” said Jan’s neighbor, Clarice Evans. “But it’s really one of those things where I’ve known her for so long it’d be weird to call her anything else.” “It’s not that she’s a total nightmare to be around,” Clarice added. “But she’s,…

[tabs slidertype=”top tabs”] [tabcontainer] [tabtext]1[/tabtext] [tabtext]2[/tabtext] [tabtext]3[/tabtext] [tabtext]4[/tabtext] [tabtext]5[/tabtext] [tabtext]6[/tabtext] [tabtext]7[/tabtext] [tabtext]8[/tabtext] [tabtext]9[/tabtext] [tabtext]10[/tabtext] [/tabcontainer] [tabcontent] [tab]Ghost Spies on Naked Women, As You’d Expect [/tab] [tab]Speaker at Accounting Conference Plays Pretty Fast and Loose with the Word “Exciting” [/tab] [tab]Tragic Man Sees ‘The Matrix’ and Thinks It Can Only Get Better from There [/tab] [tab]Burger Burglar Kills Three at McDonald’s [/tab] [tab]Fraternity Fistfight Erupts Over Nonsensical Opening Lines of “The Circle of Life” [/tab] [tab]Turns Out “Everything Bread” Just Regular Bread With Two Different Seeds [/tab] [tab]Percolating Turd Doesn’t Have All Day [/tab] [tab]ADHD Patient Has Need for Speed [/tab]…

Dallas, TX – The Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport Burger King has introduced a new item – a $300 Whopper, with no discernible difference from the Whoppers one can get much cheaper at any Burger King located in the outside world. Manager Brian Kushner is operating under the notion that an airport terminal is often nothing more than a lawless, chaotic frenzy for sustenance, and people will eat anything in the rush to make a flight. “We know that people in an airport are desperate for food,” Kushner said. “It’s as if they believe they’ll never have an opportunity to eat again.” The Burger King…

St. Petersburg, FL – The sun was shining hot and the ocean breeze was blowing cool as the Peterson family made their way down to the beach. On their yearly trip to St. Petersburg to visit their grandparents, the Petersons could hardly wait to get out of the house and onto the sand. The day was lining up to be one of the best this family had ever had. That is, until this family beach day came to a grinding halt for youngest child, 14-year-old TJ Peterson. TJ had just sat himself under the family’s big beach umbrella to get some sunscreen…

GAITHERSBURG, Md. – A local smoker and joker on Wednesday issued a blanket denial of being a midnight toker. Jeremy Peterson, the smoker and joker in question said the allegations made by a number of friends and coworkers are completely untrue, and in his opinion “pretty unfair.” “That Steve Miller song has really given a lot of smokers and jokers a bad name, and I think it’s time someone stood up and said, ‘No, that’s not me. That’s not who I am,” said Mr. Peterson. However, some of his friends disagree. “I’ve known Jeremy a long time,” said long time friend of…

In a ritual as old as time, a banana recently went through a sacred coming of age tradition in which it spent two days and three nights in a brown paper bag. Like a young Siddhartha in the famous Herman Hesse book of the same name, this noble young banana could only grow into its prime by walking its own path, and for awhile at least, going off on its own. Away from the disruptive and jocular manners of its peers and hidden away from the world, the banana was able to truly find itself, casting away the bitterness and embracing…

MIAMI – For the last two weeks, Barry University student Wayne Wenger has been missing, and all anyone can say for sure is that he’s nowhere near the missing person poster on the corner of 34th Street and 11th Avenue. When asked about the ongoing search, neighborhood resident, Jennifer Cowart said, “I looked at the poster, then looked around where I was standing. I didn’t see this Wayne guy nearby so I just went on with my day.” Police are asking people in the area to remain vigilant, and are considering putting up a second poster at the post office.