Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

LensCrafters announced an “Open Your Eyes” sale this weekend to help promote what they’re calling “the facts about 9/11 that Uncle Sam doesn’t want you to know.” “We just want our customers to better see the lies our government has perpetrated for its own gain,” said CEO Dave Browne. “And we hope 40% off our amazing choice of quality lenses and frames will help some people see things a little more clearly.”

Regional Hospital President Eric Webb spoke earlier today at a press conference about Heatherstone General’s new baby-friendly program. “Breastfeeding is a natural and beautiful thing,” said Mr. Webb. “It’s best for the baby, and really anyone else that happens to be around.” The hospital president went on to encourage women to breastfeed “any old time they feel like it: around the house, in a store, or just any place they happen to be.” Mr. Webb concluded by announcing that a new lactation room would be available right next to his office on the sixth floor.

Despite living in one of the most happening cities in the world, this bespectacled dorkus spends most of his time with his nose buried in a book, or out talking to total losers who couldn’t get in a nightclub if their life depended on it.

It was a cold, clear night in 1998 when forty-five crates of top-grade bananas went missing from the state banana reserve. Five months later, Mr. Coco M. Sillybuns was behind bars, where he’s been for the last 16 years. Then, in 2007, Mr. Sillybuns heard from a lawyer who has been looking into the case. Due to new evidence that had come up, Mr. Sillybuns’ case was going to the state’s clemency board for consideration. Finally, last week the board made a ruling. “Due to some very moving testimony, and a considerable amount of new evidence, we have no choice…

After some careful self-reflection, a mirror realized things would have turned out better if it had just gone to college like its cousin Joey, who gets to work in that four-star hotel in New York, and just thinks he’s so cool, and never shuts up about how much better it is in the big city.

“If Baron Davis can have his contract removed from the salary cap number, I don’t see why we can’t load up Mark Teixeira with thoroughbred levels of pancuronium bromide,” said a team spokesman in the New York Yankees’ report to Major League Baseball.

A man watching the 1993 action/thriller film Jurassic Park reported that if he was in charge, things would have turned out differently. “It was that Nedry guy,” said a confident Jeff Baker, as he momentarily glanced away from his television screen. “Hammond keeps saying they ‘spared no expense,’ but if that’s true, then why hire the lowest bidder for a key staff position?” “Plus, why even have carnivores?  They’re just going to make trouble,” Mr. Baker said, “What they should have done is start with herbivores, then add the more dangerous dinosaurs later.” Turning back to the TV, he added, “If they just…

PAINESVILLE, Ohio – Police responded yesterday to a report of a local flower exposing itself while peeping in a beehive. The three-month-old bee lives on the 200 block of Auburn Road and reported the incident on Wednesday morning. The flower is reportedly purple and green with grossly engorged stamen.

The appraisers on Antiques Roadshow were blown away this week when they came across one of the highest-valued collections in the show’s history. “I couldn’t believe it when I came across all this stuff in an old attic. It just looked like a bunch of old junk to me,” said Armand Pfeiffer, curator of the Smithsonian for the past three months.

“We’re all so busy throughout the week that it’s nice to sit down, have a fun ritual and bond over something we love.”