The last thing Mary remembered was walking in the park with her family. Her and her husband, Don, had just gotten the family a new puppy, and the kids wanted to show the tiny golden lab all their favorite places. She was just turning her head towards Don to tell him how much fun she was having when, in the blink of an eye, everything changed. Waking up suddenly, Mary Patterson was shocked to find herself standing in the front of a crowded room, evidently leading some sort of business conference. Glancing around for any clue of what she was doing there or…
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Amanda Smithers, a junior at Riverside High, recently announced the birth of her daughter, Samantha. The 16-year-old says that so far, this pregnancy has been the best thing that’s ever happened to her. “This has just been great,” said Amanda. “People are coming up to me all the time and telling me how cute me and Samantha are. Plus I’m getting presents like, all the time from my family. And teachers have really lightened up on assignments. I haven’t gotten any homework done since, like, February, and I’m still getting really good grades.” Amanda says she plans to stay in…
Messiah Bloodbath, one of the world’s most famous death metal bands, took a break from its 50-city tour to surprise patients at the local children’s hospital on Wednesday. Playing such hits and fan favorites as “The Merciless Reign of Satan,” “Frozen in Flames,” “Eternal Bloodlust,” “Goathead Destroyer,” “Demon Thirst,” “Soul Sewn Shut,” “Unrelenting Suffering from the Grave,” “Death Thrasher,” “Satan’s Eternal Slave” and more, Messiah Bloodbath played a two-hour set that certainly brought joy to all of the children in the ICU. “We just want to give back to the community,” said lead guitarist James Page, who goes by ‘Annihilator…
LOS ANGELES – Critics are anticipating a great year for television as TV writers gear up to start work on an upcoming fall lineup. In the upcoming days, a core group of television writers will meet under the huge vaulted ceiling of the beautiful Writers Guild headquarters. From there, they’ll decide everything from new programming, to which of your favorite characters will get killed off in the coming months. The Ceremony of the Fall Lineup dates back to ancient Greece, when writers would gather together to decide which of the popular politicians of the day would be lampooned in that…
Some say you should never meet your heroes. But local harmonica player, Rob Miller, disagrees. Citing Blues Traveler frontman John Popper’s style and technique as a harmonica virtuoso, Rob reported that he would absolutely love to meet him. “Whenever I’m feeling stressed or lonely, I always turn straight to my harmonica,” said Mr. Miller, “and when I need inspiration, I just sit back and take in some Blues Traveler.” Rob insists that he’s nowhere near as good as John Popper, “at least, not yet,” but that it’s “always been a dream to meet him, and maybe share some techniques, or…
Showing a blatant disregard for his host, a fire just lit right up and started puffing away without a care in the world. “Smoke was billowing everywhere,” reported homeowner Terry McIntyre. “I felt like I was choking from it. I could hardly see a foot in front of my face. I mean, I could have died.”
MOSCOW – President Vladimir Putin halted discussion with top Russian officials this afternoon to take a long cool swig from a tall glass of coke. “I find the drink very refreshing and I love the way the bubbles tickle my nose,” Mr. Putin said conspiratorially as he leaned over to Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev. Setting the glass down and leaning back with a satisfied smacking of his lips, Mr. Putin then continued discussions of the Kremlin’s plan to finish annexing Crimea.
NEW YORK – A fire Monday morning destroyed an office building on the 2300 block of 34th Street, leaving seven dead and 18 in the hospital. Office workers were unaware of the fire until smoke was spotted coming under a door due to the fire alarm system’s failure to activate. “I don’t know what happened,” said a distraught fire alarm. “I’ve nailed every single drill for the last five years, and I guess I just panicked.”
LensCrafters announced an “Open Your Eyes” sale this weekend to help promote what they’re calling “the facts about 9/11 that Uncle Sam doesn’t want you to know.” “We just want our customers to better see the lies our government has perpetrated for its own gain,” said CEO Dave Browne. “And we hope 40% off our amazing choice of quality lenses and frames will help some people see things a little more clearly.”
Regional Hospital President Eric Webb spoke earlier today at a press conference about Heatherstone General’s new baby-friendly program. “Breastfeeding is a natural and beautiful thing,” said Mr. Webb. “It’s best for the baby, and really anyone else that happens to be around.” The hospital president went on to encourage women to breastfeed “any old time they feel like it: around the house, in a store, or just any place they happen to be.” Mr. Webb concluded by announcing that a new lactation room would be available right next to his office on the sixth floor.