Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

ST. LOUIS – Eyes glued to his phone and following the free agent rumors with a constant swipe of the thumb, baseball writer Michael Chase hardly had time to realize that he placed his other hand directly on his hot stove. “Jesus Christ!” Chase screamed in response to the number of Bryce Harper suitors and to the excruciating pain of placing his hand on a 350-degree coil. “Who is gonna land this guy?” Upon tearing his hand away from the stove top and leaving hunks of his flesh behind, Chase managed to use both hands to send tweets confirming that the…

LOS ANGELES – Horror was the main theme of this year’s Thanksgiving in the City of Angels, as beloved actor Tom Hanks brutally massacred his family tradition when he butchered the carving of the turkey at the dinner table. “It was absolutely gruesome,” said cousin Gary Hanks, who watched aghast from the kitchen. “He just kept digging the knife in there, hacking away indiscriminately. And the most terrifying part? He was smiling and laughing the whole time.” According to Gary, Tom loomed over the table before dinner, sharpening his knives with a gleam in his eyes. Normally a steady hand, slicing…

MIAMI – In the final moments of Sunday’s game against Washington, New York Jets running back C.T. Edwards racked up a mild 24 yards on ten carries in the team’s 30-point blowout victory. At one point in the game’s waning minutes, Edwards carried the ball on six straight plays, running headfirst at full speed for four yards, only to have a pile of linemen fall on his knees at a force ten times what the human body is meant to withstand. An inquiry after the game to the NFL commissioner’s office was responded to by deputy commissioner Jay Mercyless. Mr. Mercyless…

BUCHAREST, Romania – Some people suffer from a mid-life crisis. Vampire Lord Ruthven is having a mid-millennium crisis. The Earl of Marsden has recently become increasingly uncertain of his role in the world, as he feels society is continually asking him to be different things. “To some I represent consumption, to others sexual desire,” the undead being said. “I’ve even been told I should be a stand-in for capitalism. But how do I see myself? I’m not sure anymore.” The competing expectations being placed on Lord Ruthven have begun to take a toll, leading the Earl to act out in attention-seeking…

TRANSYLVANIA – Characters in Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel Dracula are saying they are confused about Quincey P. Morris, a cowboy seemingly ripped from the pages of a pulp Western, who – for some inexplicable reason – plays a major role in the gothic tale set in Victorian England and Eastern Europe. “Nobody can figure out what Quincey is doing in this book,” said Jonathan Harker, the protagonist of Mr. Stoker’s classic horror story. “He showed up at a formal dinner party wearing leather chaps and a six-shooter. It was awkward.” Other characters in Dracula have also commented on Mr. Morris’…

LOS ANGELES – David Gordon Green, director of the new Halloween, confirmed a detail in an interview this week that fans have long wondered: will the new Michael Myers film finally unite the cinematic worlds of Halloween and Activia yogurt ads? “When Jason Blum originally pitched us Halloween, he said, ‘If you could do anything you wanted, what would it be?’” Green said. “And for myself and co-writer Danny McBride, there was really only one answer we could give: Center the entire thing around a probiotic yogurt.” “A number of Activia commercials take place in the kitchen,” said McBride. “So it…

NEW YORK – Despite being negatively impacted by President Trump’s economic policies, as well as being personally shot by the Commander-in-Chief, New York native Darrell Hawke still plans to support him and the rest of the Republican Party in the current election. Hawke, who works in a manufacturing plant in Brooklyn, voted for President Trump in 2016 based on the belief he would “drain the swamp” and disrupt the political status quo. Though he admits he is disappointed key promises like building a wall along the U.S.-Mexican border have not been fulfilled – and that he is currently hemorrhaging blood from…

Source: Robert J. Fisch NEW YORK – Taking part in candlelight vigils and prayer services with friends and family, 9/11 solemnly remembered the nation today. “As another year passes, I can’t help but think back on events that have forever marked themselves on my memory,” 9/11 said. “The lives sacrificed to crazed terrorists taking over the streets, the horrific collapse of the housing market, the constant fear instilled by a corrupt regime… after witnessing such things, who could ever be the same?” 9/11 acknowledged its role in the nation’s descent, but said, “If I knew this would all end with President…

NEW YORK – Americans soberly recognize today the anniversary of what has come to be one of the most shocking and defining events in modern history: On September 11th, 2017, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) liked porn on Twitter. “It completely reshaped America, maybe even the world,” said historian Dane McGovern. “Everybody remembers where they were on that day.” New York resident Michelle Flores recalls that harrowing day herself. “I was at work, just scrolling through Twitter, when I saw that Ted Cruz was trending,” said Flores. “I thought he had died. It turned out to be much, much worse.” The tweet…