Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

The appraisers on Antiques Roadshow were blown away this week when they came across one of the highest-valued collections in the show’s history. “I couldn’t believe it when I came across all this stuff in an old attic. It just looked like a bunch of old junk to me,” said Armand Pfeiffer, curator of the Smithsonian for the past three months.

“We’re all so busy throughout the week that it’s nice to sit down, have a fun ritual and bond over something we love.”

The President spent a long weekend relaxing with a cup of coffee and his Yahoo Fantasy Selective Services Draft page.

“Where else do you get the opportunity to meet such unique, interesting people from all walks of life?”

“Not only was my bracket busted, but I can hardly remember what she smells like anymore.”

“I just want you to know that I know.”

“Our fair city has seen worse days than this, and I know that through perseverance, hard work, and diligent accounting, Monkeyville will make it through this crisis.”

“I’m in the business of fear and suffering. I drop millions on a marketing blitz and all of a sudden, I’ve got people showing up like this is going to be the time of their lives? Just the other day I had some fat, camera-toting tourist in a Hawaiian shirt try to take a picture with me and his family. Then they thanked me for the great vacation and asked where they could get some ‘authentic’ dinner before I burned the flesh right off their bones and trapped their souls for eternity. And you’re trying to tell me that ‘maybe…