Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

The President spent a long weekend relaxing with a cup of coffee and his Yahoo Fantasy Selective Services Draft page.

“Where else do you get the opportunity to meet such unique, interesting people from all walks of life?”

“Not only was my bracket busted, but I can hardly remember what she smells like anymore.”

“I just want you to know that I know.”

“Our fair city has seen worse days than this, and I know that through perseverance, hard work, and diligent accounting, Monkeyville will make it through this crisis.”

“I’m in the business of fear and suffering. I drop millions on a marketing blitz and all of a sudden, I’ve got people showing up like this is going to be the time of their lives? Just the other day I had some fat, camera-toting tourist in a Hawaiian shirt try to take a picture with me and his family. Then they thanked me for the great vacation and asked where they could get some ‘authentic’ dinner before I burned the flesh right off their bones and trapped their souls for eternity. And you’re trying to tell me that ‘maybe…

Boston, MA – Calling his hot dog joke a “bona fide panty dropper,” 45-year-old Dan Singleton is reportedly killing it on his date. “I’ve been on at least three other OKCupid dates this year, and I can tell you, I really brought my A game to this one,” said Dan.