Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

MIAMI – In the final moments of Sunday’s game against Washington, New York Jets running back C.T. Edwards racked up a mild 24 yards on ten carries in the team’s 30-point blowout victory. At one point in the game’s waning minutes, Edwards carried the ball on six straight plays, running headfirst at full speed for four yards, only to have a pile of linemen fall on his knees at a force ten times what the human body is meant to withstand. An inquiry after the game to the NFL commissioner’s office was responded to by deputy commissioner Jay Mercyless. Mr. Mercyless…

BUCHAREST, Romania – Some people suffer from a mid-life crisis. Vampire Lord Ruthven is having a mid-millennium crisis. The Earl of Marsden has recently become increasingly uncertain of his role in the world, as he feels society is continually asking him to be different things. “To some I represent consumption, to others sexual desire,” the undead being said. “I’ve even been told I should be a stand-in for capitalism. But how do I see myself? I’m not sure anymore.” The competing expectations being placed on Lord Ruthven have begun to take a toll, leading the Earl to act out in attention-seeking…

TRANSYLVANIA – Characters in Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel Dracula are saying they are confused about Quincey P. Morris, a cowboy seemingly ripped from the pages of a pulp Western, who – for some inexplicable reason – plays a major role in the gothic tale set in Victorian England and Eastern Europe. “Nobody can figure out what Quincey is doing in this book,” said Jonathan Harker, the protagonist of Mr. Stoker’s classic horror story. “He showed up at a formal dinner party wearing leather chaps and a six-shooter. It was awkward.” Other characters in Dracula have also commented on Mr. Morris’…

LOS ANGELES – David Gordon Green, director of the new Halloween, confirmed a detail in an interview this week that fans have long wondered: will the new Michael Myers film finally unite the cinematic worlds of Halloween and Activia yogurt ads? “When Jason Blum originally pitched us Halloween, he said, ‘If you could do anything you wanted, what would it be?’” Green said. “And for myself and co-writer Danny McBride, there was really only one answer we could give: Center the entire thing around a probiotic yogurt.” “A number of Activia commercials take place in the kitchen,” said McBride. “So it…

NEW YORK – Despite being negatively impacted by President Trump’s economic policies, as well as being personally shot by the Commander-in-Chief, New York native Darrell Hawke still plans to support him and the rest of the Republican Party in the current election. Hawke, who works in a manufacturing plant in Brooklyn, voted for President Trump in 2016 based on the belief he would “drain the swamp” and disrupt the political status quo. Though he admits he is disappointed key promises like building a wall along the U.S.-Mexican border have not been fulfilled – and that he is currently hemorrhaging blood from…

Source: Robert J. Fisch NEW YORK – Taking part in candlelight vigils and prayer services with friends and family, 9/11 solemnly remembered the nation today. “As another year passes, I can’t help but think back on events that have forever marked themselves on my memory,” 9/11 said. “The lives sacrificed to crazed terrorists taking over the streets, the horrific collapse of the housing market, the constant fear instilled by a corrupt regime… after witnessing such things, who could ever be the same?” 9/11 acknowledged its role in the nation’s descent, but said, “If I knew this would all end with President…

NEW YORK – Americans soberly recognize today the anniversary of what has come to be one of the most shocking and defining events in modern history: On September 11th, 2017, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) liked porn on Twitter. “It completely reshaped America, maybe even the world,” said historian Dane McGovern. “Everybody remembers where they were on that day.” New York resident Michelle Flores recalls that harrowing day herself. “I was at work, just scrolling through Twitter, when I saw that Ted Cruz was trending,” said Flores. “I thought he had died. It turned out to be much, much worse.” The tweet…

Following Infowars founder Alex Jones’ removal from a slew of social media sites in recent weeks, including such major platforms as YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter, streaming service Crackle announced yesterday they were open to Jones slandering, attacking, threatening, or plotting to kill any group or individual he sees fit. “At Sony, we’re dedicated to diverse opinions because we believe they create honest and lively debate,” president and CEO Kenichiro Yoshido said in a statement. “And we want Mr. Jones to know he is welcome anytime, today even – we’ve got the afternoon totally free – to discuss an ongoing partnership…

LOS ANGELES – Residents of Los Angeles were shocked to learn that the police were called to beloved actor Tom Hanks’ home Thursday night for a special black-tie dinner and fundraiser to benefit the department. “In all my years on the force, I’ve never seen anything like this,” said sergeant Tom Wilkies. “I had no idea a man like him could be capable of something so obscenely generous.” The LAPD had been called to Hanks’ home numerous times in the past for various barbecues and special screenings of his movies. But Hanks, who is an ardent supporter of local law enforcement,…