Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

NEW YORK – After years of turmoil, MoviePass – the much ballyhooed movie subscription service – has come forth with still another long-term plan. The company, which has toyed with various pricing models for its patrons, ranging from unlimited monthly viewings to 2-3 films per month, believes it has hit the jackpot in the form of opening a single-screen movie theater in Spokane, Washington. “It’s the next logical step for our forward-thinking company,” said spokesman Dale Straffon. “What if instead of trying to figure out how everyone can see all these different movies, we offer the movie and make them…

There is a new woman making waves in the world of feminist art. Red waves, that is. Seattle-based artist Mena Strell is set to debut her new series, created in the style of Jackson Pollock, by using the force of her period sneezes. She hopes that her art will empower women everywhere to see their monthly visits from Aunt Flo as a source of pride and inspiration rather than a nuisance. “As women, we bleed for like seven years of our lives,” Strell explained. “Blood is life. Life is art. Art is power. Power is women. It just seemed like…

BARRINGTON, Minn. – Twelve-year old Dusten Fairchild is nervously counting down the days until school starts again this month after giving a courageous thirty-second monologue to his biggest bully, Mitch, in late May. “Clearly I did not think this through,” Fairchild admitted regarding his confrontation on the last day of the previous school year. “Having all the other kids see the whole thing happen and cheer for me after I told Mitch to get lost was a rush, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe I just poked the bear.” Sources say Mitch has spent eight weeks at an intense football…

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. – A recent study has confirmed that dogs don’t like hugs, but humans do, so fuck it. The study, conducted by the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill, supports prior research suggesting that dogs have a deeply-ingrained biological aversion to being hugged. It also confirms that humans couldn’t give less of a shit how dogs feel about being hugged, and that those sweet fluffy bastards are getting hugged anyway. Experts have a theory as to why dogs hate hugs. “Dogs are what’s known as cursorial animals, meaning their bodies are designed to run quickly. So when a dog…

GRANDMA’S DEATHBED – After a touch-and-go night in which the doctor said she might not make it, your grandmother is toughing out more day on Earth to say goodbye to her family and pass on her dying wish that you buy one of comedy site Robot Butt’s new T-shirts. “These brand-new shirts are as soft and comfortable as I soon will be in heaven,” she said between fits of coughing and wheezing. “I know you’ll do right by me in ordering one, maybe two, of these high-quality tees.” Your grandma’s doctor instructed the family to come into her room, where you found her…

Since ascending to the highest position in the Roman Catholic Church in 2013, Pope Francis has proven to be the most progressive and inclusive pontiff in hundreds of years. Among the outspoken Pope’s statements and actions: He called for a war on poverty, embraced science in the form of admitting that climate change is real, and advocated for same-sex marriage. Francis is truly committed to bringing the church into the 21st century, and to that end, the likable pontiff has made his most inclusive action yet, reaching out to the world’s workers by banning Mondays forever. “Everybody has such a…

CHICAGO – With temperatures reaching yearly highs and commuters relying on pedal power instead of public transportation, a recent study provides evidence that biking to work may be a highly effective way to be both sweaty and late. While research is still in the early phases, a team from the University of Illinois at Chicago has noticed a trend among bikers in the workplace. According to lead researcher Dr. Joseph Corrino, the uptick of sweat-stained backs and armpits arriving to the office after 9 a.m. in the warmer months is notable. “It’s remarkable how much perspiration can be produced during a…

SEATTLE – A Seattle-based fast food chain is under investigation for allegedly trafficking stimulants across the Mexican border. Health experts warn that the highly addictive drug, which is harvested in Mexico and other Latin American nations, has also been linked to dehydration, yellowed teeth, panic attacks, heart conditions, and even death. The stimulant is ground into a powder, boiled, served with a spoon, and often cut with cheaper substances. According to undercover informants, addicts shuffle into the restaurants each morning to order the substance by the ounce using foreign codewords. Many users idle around the restaurant for hours as they come…

WASHINGTON – After engaging in wanton destruction and causing hundreds of millions of dollars in damages in the Belarusian city of Mogilev in pursuit of black market arms dealer Alexei Kiramonov, Ethan Hunt earned his fourteenth disavowal from the Impossible Mission Force Monday, an accomplishment the agency’s human resources department is dreading. “You have no idea how much of a headache this is for us,” HR specialist John Traversom said. “It’s not just removing him from our active agent system, but we still have to file mountains of paperwork each time someone is put on the disavowal list.” Typically, IMF agents…