Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

DENVER – In response to a widespread Facebook invite to “Rebecca’s 27th Birthday Pool Party Spectacular!!!” the FBI has launched a full-scale investigation into whether anyone is actually planning on bringing their bathing suits to the event. “As with any summer pool party invite, we must proceed with caution,” lead investigator Angie McAllister told reporters this afternoon. “You don’t want to be that person who shows up in a bathing suit, only to find that people are just hanging out sorta near the pool and not actually going in.” “Not only do you look super lame, but every time you have…

MILWAUKEE – Citing himself as a proud patriot and staunch lover of the United States of America, local carpenter Ryan Barsamian assured reporters Monday that he will never forget the 9/11 joke he recently heard. “That day will stick with me forever,” Barsamian said. “I remember being glued to the television, watching a Frasier marathon, when Gary leaned over and told me that joke.” Like so many other Americans, Barsamian is sickened to see more and more people forgetting 9/11 jokes with each passing year, choosing to move on to quips about other horrific tragedies the country has endured since 2001.…

WASHINGTON – A new study published this week by the Pew Research Center says that as many as half of all high school students are failing out of algebra because they literally can’t even. “Our research shows that most Generation Z students these days generally lack the ability to literally even,” said project director Tamara Rogers, who studied Rachel for a semester and discovered that Rachel struggled with both math and her decision to confront Stacy, who was spreading rumors about her and Gavin, even though her and Gavin broke up months ago and everyone knew that; after all, Stacy was…

WASHINGTON – With schools shutting their doors for the approaching summer break, students nationwide expressed their excitement for the upcoming start of summer and a chance to have a break from school shootings. “Summer’s great! I get to sleep in, there’s no homework, and I’m way less likely to be gunned down by an AR-15,” said Emma Jackson, 12. And without the worry of upcoming tests, book reports, and losing their friends and classmates to a shooter armed with his parent’s loosely protected guns, many students have some big plans for their summer schedule. But for students in high school moving…

LOS ANGELES – After years of hard work and countless failed attempts at obtaining a food handlers license, Los Angeles transplant Dustin Peckingham has been forced to accept a starring role on the new Fox sitcom Tip Your Server in order to help pay his bills. “Ever since I was a little boy, I dreamed of serving cheeseburger egg rolls to every hungry mouth in Hollywood,” Peckingham said. “I’m disappointed my agent couldn’t book me another server job but I do hope to take the skills I learn from being on set and use them in my return to the dining room of…

SEATTLE – Retail giant Amazon is rolling out new perks to its customers, as Prime members will now be given a great new deal on Blu-rays, along with a free two-day head start when the Amazon predator drones are released to begin hunting down consumers. News of the two-day head start comes on the heels of Amazon’s announcement that Prime members would be receiving discounts at Whole Foods and is seen by industry experts as the most aggressive move yet to ultimately bend all of humanity to the company’s will. “Now that we have taken over completely, we will work tirelessly…

NEW YORK – The clichè and hackneyed party theme that the American Dental Association (ADA) has counted on for over a century was once again dug up and recycled as America’s leading advocate for oral health lacked the creative capacity to think out of their tiny tooth-shaped box. The ADA, the nation’s largest dental association but by far the least imaginative, invited representatives from all fifty states to gather in celebration for the association’s 159th anniversary last Saturday evening. Although some members entered with naive optimism, everyone in attendance was gravely disappointed after discovering the night’s theme was once again “Tooth.”…