Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

NEW YORK – Americans soberly recognize today the anniversary of what has come to be one of the most shocking and defining events in modern history: On September 11th, 2017, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) liked porn on Twitter. “It completely reshaped America, maybe even the world,” said historian Dane McGovern. “Everybody remembers where they were on that day.” New York resident Michelle Flores recalls that harrowing day herself. “I was at work, just scrolling through Twitter, when I saw that Ted Cruz was trending,” said Flores. “I thought he had died. It turned out to be much, much worse.” The tweet…

Following Infowars founder Alex Jones’ removal from a slew of social media sites in recent weeks, including such major platforms as YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter, streaming service Crackle announced yesterday they were open to Jones slandering, attacking, threatening, or plotting to kill any group or individual he sees fit. “At Sony, we’re dedicated to diverse opinions because we believe they create honest and lively debate,” president and CEO Kenichiro Yoshido said in a statement. “And we want Mr. Jones to know he is welcome anytime, today even – we’ve got the afternoon totally free – to discuss an ongoing partnership…

LOS ANGELES – Residents of Los Angeles were shocked to learn that the police were called to beloved actor Tom Hanks’ home Thursday night for a special black-tie dinner and fundraiser to benefit the department. “In all my years on the force, I’ve never seen anything like this,” said sergeant Tom Wilkies. “I had no idea a man like him could be capable of something so obscenely generous.” The LAPD had been called to Hanks’ home numerous times in the past for various barbecues and special screenings of his movies. But Hanks, who is an ardent supporter of local law enforcement,…

NEW YORK – After years of turmoil, MoviePass – the much ballyhooed movie subscription service – has come forth with still another long-term plan. The company, which has toyed with various pricing models for its patrons, ranging from unlimited monthly viewings to 2-3 films per month, believes it has hit the jackpot in the form of opening a single-screen movie theater in Spokane, Washington. “It’s the next logical step for our forward-thinking company,” said spokesman Dale Straffon. “What if instead of trying to figure out how everyone can see all these different movies, we offer the movie and make them…

There is a new woman making waves in the world of feminist art. Red waves, that is. Seattle-based artist Mena Strell is set to debut her new series, created in the style of Jackson Pollock, by using the force of her period sneezes. She hopes that her art will empower women everywhere to see their monthly visits from Aunt Flo as a source of pride and inspiration rather than a nuisance. “As women, we bleed for like seven years of our lives,” Strell explained. “Blood is life. Life is art. Art is power. Power is women. It just seemed like…

BARRINGTON, Minn. – Twelve-year old Dusten Fairchild is nervously counting down the days until school starts again this month after giving a courageous thirty-second monologue to his biggest bully, Mitch, in late May. “Clearly I did not think this through,” Fairchild admitted regarding his confrontation on the last day of the previous school year. “Having all the other kids see the whole thing happen and cheer for me after I told Mitch to get lost was a rush, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe I just poked the bear.” Sources say Mitch has spent eight weeks at an intense football…

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. – A recent study has confirmed that dogs don’t like hugs, but humans do, so fuck it. The study, conducted by the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill, supports prior research suggesting that dogs have a deeply-ingrained biological aversion to being hugged. It also confirms that humans couldn’t give less of a shit how dogs feel about being hugged, and that those sweet fluffy bastards are getting hugged anyway. Experts have a theory as to why dogs hate hugs. “Dogs are what’s known as cursorial animals, meaning their bodies are designed to run quickly. So when a dog…

GRANDMA’S DEATHBED – After a touch-and-go night in which the doctor said she might not make it, your grandmother is toughing out more day on Earth to say goodbye to her family and pass on her dying wish that you buy one of comedy site Robot Butt’s new T-shirts. “These brand-new shirts are as soft and comfortable as I soon will be in heaven,” she said between fits of coughing and wheezing. “I know you’ll do right by me in ordering one, maybe two, of these high-quality tees.” Your grandma’s doctor instructed the family to come into her room, where you found her…

Since ascending to the highest position in the Roman Catholic Church in 2013, Pope Francis has proven to be the most progressive and inclusive pontiff in hundreds of years. Among the outspoken Pope’s statements and actions: He called for a war on poverty, embraced science in the form of admitting that climate change is real, and advocated for same-sex marriage. Francis is truly committed to bringing the church into the 21st century, and to that end, the likable pontiff has made his most inclusive action yet, reaching out to the world’s workers by banning Mondays forever. “Everybody has such a…