Author: The Robot Butt Staff

1. Trump was noticeably rattled that Cap’n Crunch didn’t accept his invite to be an official guest. 2. Unexpected turn for Trump to invite the delegation of Illuminati lizard-people. Real “masks off” moment for the GOP. 3. Trump is courting the 18-to-25-year-old vote with his new proposal to provide a Juul to every registered voter. 4. Did anyone else see that white worm-like figure crawl out of Trump’s ear? 5. Bold move on Trump’s part to suggest adding a Supreme Court Justice. Bolder still to suggest it be the Noid. 6. Wild that Trump said Nancy Pelosi hates Fortnite and…

Death Panels (1989) Beauregard Fenimore Rothschild IV was supposed to undergo a routine knee surgery in one of the finest hospitals in New York. A merry mix-up involving a forgetful limo driver and some misfiled medical forms, however, gets him a one-way ticket to the state penitentiary clinic. With doctors convinced he’s actually eight-time child killer B.F. Rotsguild, and his lethal injection scheduled for the morning, Beauregard’s only hope are three unruly orderlies who, to his horror, aren’t white!* *Currently unavailable on video

National Lampoon’s Why Won’t You Date Meeeeeeee?! (1983) Ronald Grinsley’s met the girl of his dreams. She’s got everything: breasts. Can Ronald win Carrie’s heart before the night of the big dance at Chad Mickmore’s party on the last day of school before college? If he does, it’ll take the combined efforts of his wits, his Uncle Frank’s necking technique, and a genie named Kwaysar to make it happen!

Embarrassingly Pale Ale Hopsweat The Morning After Pils Guinness Extra Thick Sierra Nevada Extreme Drought Bell’s Overbearing Beer Snob Hose Water Stout Bud Light Lyme Disease Oktoberfest Pregame Sour Cream Beer Dandruffy Shandy Samuel Adams Ballsweat Lager Heat Stroke S’mores IPA Cleaning Out Your Gym Lager Flat Warm Shandy Sweaty Oatmeal Stout Hot as Hell Heineken Swamp Ass Ale Plantation Sunset

WASHINGTON – Recently, Robot Butt was approached by an individual claiming that Republican Senate hopeful Roy Moore dated Heffalumps and Woozles while he was a district attorney in Alabama in the 1970’s. Robot Butt determined these allegations were false because, come on, and when we confronted the source we learned it was a sting operation put together by Project Veritas ringleader James O’Keefe, who is really bad at this. The source of these allegations came from a 40-year-old man in a purple unicorn onesie named “Bob” who claimed to be a Heffalump. He stated that Moore had taken him out on…

I cannot for the life of me figure out how to draw these hand turkeys. I know I start by putting my hand on the paper. I got that. Then I pick up a pencil. Easy. Then I put the pencil on the paper, lead first. Obvious, I know, but right after this is where I just get totally lost. I start drawing a line up the side of my hand. I get to the top of the pinky, go around it, down to that little skin web in between my fingers, and, oh shoot! I did it again. Instead…

You see these leaves right here? Boom. Now they’re over there. How did I do it, you’re saying. Am I a magician? No. But I did get a new leaf blower, and it’s the shit. I used to hate fall. Now, fall is the shit. Every day I wake up at five a.m. and blow leaves. I strut up and down my lawn waving that sucker like it’s a big air penis and they’re just some dumb little leaves. “You’re not even alive,” I tell the leaves. “Corpses of your old selves.” BSSH! The best part about blowing leaves when…

Of all the dismaying details from yesterday when I set your house on fire, none are more disturbing than this: you still can’t get over it. Come on. You’re acting like it happened yesterday, and it did happen yesterday, but that was almost 24 hours ago. News moves fast in 2017! We were eating dinner at your place and I said, “Hey, I bet I could light your whole house on fire with this one Cozy Sweater-scented Yankee candle.” You said I was crazy and I should see a therapist. I’m not gonna back away from a challenge like that.…

White House chief strategist, actual President of the United States, and white supremacist Steve Bannon looks like: Bill Belichick if he let himself go Your high school janitor who got arrested one day A guy the mob would call “Jimmy Sleazebag” Rex Ryan with acne scars The actor playing Jabba the Hutt in a local community theater production of Star Wars Every Alabama sheriff from 1933 to 1987 A pile of cat puke that you forgot about cleaning for a few days One of those horrifying “this is what a cartoon character would look like in real life” depictions An…

The Golden Globes are on tonight, and you’ve just gotta tune in! Here are five reasons why: 1) It’s pretty simple, really. If you don’t watch every second of this self-indulgent Hollywood circle jerk, you’re going to die. That’s not just us being hyperbolic. It’s actually going to happen. Don’t ask how we know this, but we do. We’ve never steered you in the wrong direction before, so why would you risk it on something as important as your own life? 2) We really can’t say why your life is in danger, or what’s going to happen if you flip…