Author: The Robot Butt Staff

More than any other sport, giveaways and promotions are an essential, ingrained aspect of baseball. And throughout the years, there have been some real doozies – Ten Cent Beer Night, Disco Demolition Night… not to mention all of the wacky things going on down in the minors. But the Cleveland Indians really seem to be taking their penchant for weird promotions to a new level (they were, after all, the team behind Ten Cent Beer Night). And it’s been going on for a while, right under our noses! Look what they were rolling out just a few years ago: Okay,…

Everyone knows that if you work as a Disney theme park character, you have to stay in character. That means never breaking, never revealing yourself to be anything but that character you’re playing. But did you know there are a bunch of phrases that are absolutely off-limits for Disney park characters to say – no matter what? Here are 25 of them: “Gadget from the Rescue Rangers is sexy” “Pumba is the bottom” “Trust me, Buzz Lightyear is anatomically correct” “Winnie the Pooh will eat your daughter, no joke” “All the urinals deposit into Splash Mountain” “Walt Disney’s head would very…

When it comes to film decades, the 1990s was definitely one of them. From father-figure Terminators and weirdly sexy animated Disney characters to rampaging dinosaurs and an era before we knew Kevin Spacey was a rampaging sex criminal, the ’90s truly had it all. And with technology improving at such a rapid pace during the decade, we were treated to some of the most innovative movies of all time, from Pixar’s early dominance to the completely CGI Jeff Goldblum of Jurassic Park. For such a great era of filmmaking, it’s difficult to pare it all down to the top movies…

1. Trump was noticeably rattled that Cap’n Crunch didn’t accept his invite to be an official guest. 2. Unexpected turn for Trump to invite the delegation of Illuminati lizard-people. Real “masks off” moment for the GOP. 3. Trump is courting the 18-to-25-year-old vote with his new proposal to provide a Juul to every registered voter. 4. Did anyone else see that white worm-like figure crawl out of Trump’s ear? 5. Bold move on Trump’s part to suggest adding a Supreme Court Justice. Bolder still to suggest it be the Noid. 6. Wild that Trump said Nancy Pelosi hates Fortnite and…

Death Panels (1989) Beauregard Fenimore Rothschild IV was supposed to undergo a routine knee surgery in one of the finest hospitals in New York. A merry mix-up involving a forgetful limo driver and some misfiled medical forms, however, gets him a one-way ticket to the state penitentiary clinic. With doctors convinced he’s actually eight-time child killer B.F. Rotsguild, and his lethal injection scheduled for the morning, Beauregard’s only hope are three unruly orderlies who, to his horror, aren’t white!* *Currently unavailable on video

National Lampoon’s Why Won’t You Date Meeeeeeee?! (1983) Ronald Grinsley’s met the girl of his dreams. She’s got everything: breasts. Can Ronald win Carrie’s heart before the night of the big dance at Chad Mickmore’s party on the last day of school before college? If he does, it’ll take the combined efforts of his wits, his Uncle Frank’s necking technique, and a genie named Kwaysar to make it happen!

Embarrassingly Pale Ale Hopsweat The Morning After Pils Guinness Extra Thick Sierra Nevada Extreme Drought Bell’s Overbearing Beer Snob Hose Water Stout Bud Light Lyme Disease Oktoberfest Pregame Sour Cream Beer Dandruffy Shandy Samuel Adams Ballsweat Lager Heat Stroke S’mores IPA Cleaning Out Your Gym Lager Flat Warm Shandy Sweaty Oatmeal Stout Hot as Hell Heineken Swamp Ass Ale Plantation Sunset

WASHINGTON – Recently, Robot Butt was approached by an individual claiming that Republican Senate hopeful Roy Moore dated Heffalumps and Woozles while he was a district attorney in Alabama in the 1970’s. Robot Butt determined these allegations were false because, come on, and when we confronted the source we learned it was a sting operation put together by Project Veritas ringleader James O’Keefe, who is really bad at this. The source of these allegations came from a 40-year-old man in a purple unicorn onesie named “Bob” who claimed to be a Heffalump. He stated that Moore had taken him out on…

I cannot for the life of me figure out how to draw these hand turkeys. I know I start by putting my hand on the paper. I got that. Then I pick up a pencil. Easy. Then I put the pencil on the paper, lead first. Obvious, I know, but right after this is where I just get totally lost. I start drawing a line up the side of my hand. I get to the top of the pinky, go around it, down to that little skin web in between my fingers, and, oh shoot! I did it again. Instead…

You see these leaves right here? Boom. Now they’re over there. How did I do it, you’re saying. Am I a magician? No. But I did get a new leaf blower, and it’s the shit. I used to hate fall. Now, fall is the shit. Every day I wake up at five a.m. and blow leaves. I strut up and down my lawn waving that sucker like it’s a big air penis and they’re just some dumb little leaves. “You’re not even alive,” I tell the leaves. “Corpses of your old selves.” BSSH! The best part about blowing leaves when…