Author: The Robot Butt Staff

Embarrassingly Pale Ale Hopsweat The Morning After Pils Guinness Extra Thick Sierra Nevada Extreme Drought Bell’s Overbearing Beer Snob Hose Water Stout Bud Light Lyme Disease Oktoberfest Pregame Sour Cream Beer Dandruffy Shandy Samuel Adams Ballsweat Lager Heat Stroke S’mores IPA Cleaning Out Your Gym Lager Flat Warm Shandy Sweaty Oatmeal Stout Hot as Hell Heineken Swamp Ass Ale Plantation Sunset

WASHINGTON – Recently, Robot Butt was approached by an individual claiming that Republican Senate hopeful Roy Moore dated Heffalumps and Woozles while he was a district attorney in Alabama in the 1970’s. Robot Butt determined these allegations were false because, come on, and when we confronted the source we learned it was a sting operation put together by Project Veritas ringleader James O’Keefe, who is really bad at this. The source of these allegations came from a 40-year-old man in a purple unicorn onesie named “Bob” who claimed to be a Heffalump. He stated that Moore had taken him out on…

I cannot for the life of me figure out how to draw these hand turkeys. I know I start by putting my hand on the paper. I got that. Then I pick up a pencil. Easy. Then I put the pencil on the paper, lead first. Obvious, I know, but right after this is where I just get totally lost. I start drawing a line up the side of my hand. I get to the top of the pinky, go around it, down to that little skin web in between my fingers, and, oh shoot! I did it again. Instead…

You see these leaves right here? Boom. Now they’re over there. How did I do it, you’re saying. Am I a magician? No. But I did get a new leaf blower, and it’s the shit. I used to hate fall. Now, fall is the shit. Every day I wake up at five a.m. and blow leaves. I strut up and down my lawn waving that sucker like it’s a big air penis and they’re just some dumb little leaves. “You’re not even alive,” I tell the leaves. “Corpses of your old selves.” BSSH! The best part about blowing leaves when…

Of all the dismaying details from yesterday when I set your house on fire, none are more disturbing than this: you still can’t get over it. Come on. You’re acting like it happened yesterday, and it did happen yesterday, but that was almost 24 hours ago. News moves fast in 2017! We were eating dinner at your place and I said, “Hey, I bet I could light your whole house on fire with this one Cozy Sweater-scented Yankee candle.” You said I was crazy and I should see a therapist. I’m not gonna back away from a challenge like that.…

White House chief strategist, actual President of the United States, and white supremacist Steve Bannon looks like: Bill Belichick if he let himself go Your high school janitor who got arrested one day A guy the mob would call “Jimmy Sleazebag” Rex Ryan with acne scars The actor playing Jabba the Hutt in a local community theater production of Star Wars Every Alabama sheriff from 1933 to 1987 A pile of cat puke that you forgot about cleaning for a few days One of those horrifying “this is what a cartoon character would look like in real life” depictions An…

The Golden Globes are on tonight, and you’ve just gotta tune in! Here are five reasons why: 1) It’s pretty simple, really. If you don’t watch every second of this self-indulgent Hollywood circle jerk, you’re going to die. That’s not just us being hyperbolic. It’s actually going to happen. Don’t ask how we know this, but we do. We’ve never steered you in the wrong direction before, so why would you risk it on something as important as your own life? 2) We really can’t say why your life is in danger, or what’s going to happen if you flip…

When you talk about the great sitcoms of the ’90s, you can’t forget Home Improvement. The family comedy was a highly rated staple for years, thanks to Tim Allen’s relatable gruff character and the hijinks that ensued with his family. And for a show that lasted eight seasons, you can bet there is a ton of trivia about its production. And even if you’re a die-hard fan, there is still a TON of trivia you never knew about! Lucky for you, we compiled ten incredible tidbits about the show that will have you saying “AEEEUHHH?!” 1. Originally, Tim “The Tool Man”…

Sure, you know about the billy goat and Steve Bartman. But the Chicago Cubs haven’t won a World Series in 108 years; you had to know there were a bunch of other curses placed on the team and its fans throughout the years. Oh, you didn’t? Then you better start reading. Here are ten Chicago Cubs curses you didn’t know about: The Curse of Harry Caray Following Harry Caray’s death in 1998, all burgers within Wrigley Field have been cursed and eating them leads to illness and frightening hallucinations. Caray’s devout Hinduism led him to regularly proclaim “Holy cow!” during…

Classic Crème Brûlée The firm crust and soft, warm center of this delectable crème brûlée from the Gourdine Bistro has made a lot of Birmingham residents uncomfortable, and for good reason. Stop by some afternoon and slide a spoon inside to understand the controversy firsthand – but you better hurry. Proposition 206 gets voted on in November! Cannoli With Chocolate Shavings and Black Cherries Selma’s famed Antonio’s Restaurant is responsible for this long, plump cannoli that tastes so sweet as it slides down your throat. And though proprietor Anthony Vigorelli is currently under indictment for state obscenity charges, he’s…