Author: The Robot Butt Staff

If you’re a true Friends fanatic, you’ve heard most of the fan theories out there – Joey was a ghost?! – but this new theory will COMPLETELY change the way you watch your favorite show! According to Friends superfan John Tamhopper, there are endless clues throughout the series that prove without a doubt that Ross and Rachel were actually siblings! That’s right – they were engaging in full-on incest and knew about it the entire time! “The clues are really right there from the start,” Tamhopper said on a recent episode of his podcast FriendsZone. “It’s all about taking those clues the writers…

The Robot Butt staff received this email from a reader named Todd this week: Hey Lisa. I know you said you’re done with me, but hear me out. I have it figured out. I have to prove to you that I deserve you back, so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m sorry for a lot of things – the sink handles, the kitchen cupboard, and obviously the nightstand – and it’s my plan to make things right. Step 1: Buy you a new nightstand. This one is self-explanatory. Step 2: Offer to watch Love Actually with you. I saw…

Long hailed as one of the Beatles’ and pop music’s greatest songs, fans are often surprised to learn the tune also claims the record for highest number of successful false advertisement lawsuits. In fact, more than six million separate lawsuits have been successfully brought against the song’s rights-holders by lonely, desperate men who believed “she” had in fact loved them. Many plaintiffs have stated the lyrics “It’s you she’s thinking of” and “you know you should be glad” were particularly egregious. The standard legal payout amounts to $12.67, about the price of a modest meal for one.

Here’s a picture of a guy milking his cow, but this really doesn’t look right. If I were at a library computer right now, I’d be looking over my shoulder constantly, wondering how the adult content filters didn’t catch the obscenity of that frothy mix being stroked into the bucket. Look, I know this is supposed to be a picture of someone milking a cow. But could you in good conscience show this image to a child? I’ve always heard that Asian porn is bizarre. Is this what people are talking about? Is this Asian porn? I mean…how…

As the first state in the nation to have an actual primary vote, New Hampshire holds a ton of significance in the race for the White House. If you flounder here, your campaign could be toast. Put up a great showing as an underdog, though, and it could be just what you need to get your campaign rolling. So if you’re serious about becoming the next president, you need to prove to New Hampshire residents that you truly love the state more than the rest of those posers you’re running against. Be sure to utilize these tips as you campaign in…

1. “Careless Whisper” – George Michael Whoa! Bet you never thought George Michael would dance with cats! 2. “Hey Jude” – The Beatles Paul really loved his childhood cat, huh? 3. “Gangster’s Paradise” – Coolio MIND. BLOWN. 4. “…And Justice For All” – Metallica Didn’t know this one was about cats? That’s ’cause you’re stupid! 5. “Night On Bald Mountain” – Modest Mussorgsky Shut the fuck up! For real?! 6. “Who Let The Dogs Out?” – Baha Men No, really, stop. I can’t do this anymore. I…I thought my journalism degree would get me further than…

Ted Cruz looks like: The manager of an under-performing Hardee’s The grotesque result of Microsoft Office Assistant Clippy’s wish to become a real boy Your coworker Lloyd from Accounts Payable who eats alone at his desk during the company Christmas party A gremlin that found a suit A fart that materialized into a human being The guy who got Pantera banned from your hometown He always had his hair combed as a kid and had to wear a suit on picture day Your neighbor who calls 911 when your dogs bark Geppetto’s real, disowned son A poorly-disguised vampire A proper smile…

So it’s 2016 and your love life just isn’t what you hoped it would be. That’s okay, because we’re here to help you turn things around. Is your resolution to spice things up in the bedroom? Do you simply just want to meet someone? No matter what you want for your love life, utilizing the following scintillating tips will ensure that you get everything you want in the love department this year. 1. Invest in your love life. Let someone know just how special they are by sending your dick pics in 4K this time. 2. Role-playing can add some…

Say what you will about New York’s nightlife scene, but the fact remains that the city is still the party center of the world. So in our yearly update, we found the top five most-happening bathroom lines in the city that you’ve just got to check out. Hitting the club alone? Don’t worry, we know the city is a lonely place, so we’ve also written five of the most off-the-hook friendship-making tips to make sure your night gets off to a banging start! The Up & Up – A high-end venue for young professionals and professional partiers. Insider Tip: Bathroom lines can be a…

With the close of 2015, it’s time to look back (to the future, that is). From hoverboards to self-lacing shoes, thumbprint IDs to Google Glass, Back to the Future II predicted a lot of amazing things, so let’s take a look at some of the most impressive! 1. American Patriot Kim Davis We all remember the famous scene where a Hill Valley resident tells Marty McFly that the gay marriage ruling was “a hundred-to-one shot,” but we might forget how bold this prediction really was. Not only did the Back to the Future II writers predict a homosexual-tolerant world in 2015…