“Sanctions only work when they force behavior change, but in Putin’s case they won’t.” – Peter Tchir, head of global macro strategy at New York-based financial firm Academy Securities via Time, February 23, 2022 1. The Chance to Rewrite History By that we mean, if he agrees to send the military home, we’ll give him the Executive Producer title on season 3 of The Great, where he can be in charge of rewriting Russian history. It’s mostly fictitious anyway – except for the borscht parts – so if he wants to add a smart Vladimir character in his likeness, by…
Author: Rochelle Elana
Rochelle Elana
Rochelle is a writer of ad copy and humor. Sometimes the two fields overlap. Read my mind in Slackjaw, Points in Case, The_Belladonnas, The Daily Drunk Mag, and Little Old Lady Comedy. Also copy in a 2006-era Viagra brochure. Follow her on Twitter @RochelleElana.
So sorry to hear that you haven’t seen your daughter in a week. We’d love to air her story, but first, we need to know: 1. Would science classify her as a Homarus Americanus after a day on the beach? 2. Does she prefer shallow water or the deep? Oh, she’s just a regular girl from an inner city? So sorry, but we can’t give you any of our precious primetime hours to get the word out that she is missing. It’s just not interesting enough for the general American public when it’s a girl like her who doesn’t return…
“I stand squarely behind my decision. After twenty years, I’ve learned the hard way that there was never a good time to withdraw U.S. forces. That’s why we’re still there. We were clear-eyed about the risks. We planned for every contingency.” – President Biden’s Remarks on Afghanistan, The New York Times, August 16, 2021 Really sorry, people of Coruscant, but us Jedi are out of here. We’ve spent too many years, too much cred, and we’ve deployed too many sandcrawlers in fighting the largest war in our history all to free you from the grasp of Darth Vader. And now,…