Pamplemousse You strut confidently into heaven, walking through the pearly gates without breaking your stride. You greet God like you would any other old friend: with a secret handshake that only you two know. You look incredible in white, and all the other angels try to pretend they’re not jealous (how unbecoming for them). You catch them staring from time to time at how the silvery opalescent robe you wear drapes so artfully across your toned shoulders, spills down your back, caresses your little buttcheeks so gently. You’re the most popular angel in heaven, and, rumor has it, Archangel Gabriel…
Author: Sam Stone
Sam Stone
Sam Stone is a writer, actor, and avid pasta eater living in Brooklyn. Most things he does are by accident. More of his nonsense can be found at @sam_the_stone.
I knew it was a long shot when I applied. I mean, who was I? Just a neck-bearded nobody with a boiling distrust of authority and an extensive collection of Civil War relics. I was nervous, but the looming summer ahead filled with nothing but updating my Chemtrails Truth blog was all the motivation I needed to get serious about my application to the Infowars internship program. At first I felt unsure, but as I rounded out the thirteenth page of my cover letter by linking the debut of Mad Men in 2007 to the 2008 financial crash, I felt…