I tried Mucinex, but could still feel slime inching its way down the back of my throat in a way that calls to mind the drippy descent of Nickelodeon Gak down a wall. I could wallpaper George Clooney’s ego with the amount of balled-up unused tissues I’m carrying around in my whimsically fun (but SUPER functional) Betsey Johnson hobo bag, and I could wallpaper Trump’s with all the ones that have the corner rolled to a point to coax massive, stringy sneezes out from my inflamed sinuses. I thought I’d managed to pull it together, though – at least long…
Author: Sarah Louisa Burns
Sarah Louisa Burns
Sarah is the writer and director of the upcoming feature film cult classic comedy Uptown Art, and the producer/writer/director (#foreveralone) of the web series True Story. You might also have seen her on late-night cable, typecast as a whore. When she's not writing, she's crocheting internal organs under the name An Optimistic Cynic. Tweet me @UptownArtMovie for some well-curated B.S.
With the holiday season barreling upon us like a stampede of Black Friday shoppers hurtling each other for a $7 doorbuster, it’s been particularly difficult keeping up with the constant insanity that is this administration. It has been SO crazy, in fact, that each one of these is a link to a different crazy story. I could easily hyperlink this entire piece, word for word, but searching for those twenty was so anxiety-inducingly easy, that that’s really all I can handle for one day. The broader point here is that some things just fall off the radar, but THIS time of year, there’s just one jolly old man on everyone’s radar, including NORAD’s: Santa Claus. Under the newly revised immigration…
1. Plarn Anything Save those shopping bags! Thousands of them. Because that’s how many you’re going to need to make that new rug/bag/potholder. Keep in mind that plastic melts, or you’ll end up scraping stubborn bits of plastic off the bottom of your hot coffee mug, or that pot you absentmindedly used the – uh – pot holder for. Once you have enough bags to warrant a Hoarders-style intervention, cut the bags into strips, link them together, and about a week later, you have yourself a bowling ball of plastic that will wear your hands out after ten minutes of trying to…
Halloween, as a young-ish adult, is generally about having fun, drinking, wearing tasteless costumes, and possibly sexing up the cutie with a (hopefully) fake head wound. That’s how we end up with sexy kitties, sexy doctors, and sexy Pikachus staggering down the street every October with a parade of Jokers, Wolverines, Scream masks, and zombies, all ultimately hoping for a spooky nooky (or spoopy noopy). With so much sexy, I try to make it a point each year to keep things interesting. Self-Absorbed In college, I took my work-study earnings, drove to the nearest dollar store, and purchased about a…