You can now deliver your $12 birthday check to your grandson, in person. You can now eat a Bloomin’ Onion inside Outback Steakhouse, as God intended. You can now put your arms out and expect birds to alight on them, in song. You can now correctly spell and say Worcestershire. You can now always pick the most perfectly ripe avocado. You can now know the exact right time to leave a conversation before it gets dull. You can now pee in a pool and it WON’T turn blue. You can now flawlessly parallel park, even with someone watching. You can now…
Author: Sarah Zimmerman
Sarah Zimmerman
Sarah Zimmerman is a freelance writer, mom/virtual teacher (ohgodwhygodwhy), and she occasionally works in surgery. Published in Ravishly, The Belladonna, Cafe Mom and more. She can be found at ‘Sarah Zimmerman, Writer of Words,’ on Medium and Facebook, and Twitter, at @sarahzwriter.
Greetings. Over the weekend, a tourist taking pictures of a hippopotamus at a watering hole about sixty miles from Nairobi, Kenya’s capitol, was attacked and killed by the hippo. The victim, and a companion who sustained mild injuries, were on a safari holiday. As a hippo myself, I am here today to speak on behalf of my community. It is with a heavy heart (weighing almost two hundred pounds), that I must, again report that an altercation between a noble Hippopotamus amphibiu, and a Homo sapien, has ended in tragedy. The human’s, of course, not the hippo’s. That would be ridiculous.…
It is with heavy hearts, that Creg… sorry, Craig (sp?) and I announce that we are respectfully separating after our four days together in Fort Lauderdale over spring break. This is a difficult time for our adjoining hotel rooms and we appreciate your sensitivity in this matter. Ours was an intense love. We fell hard. In fact, we met on Monday night, when I fell down the stairs at Señor Frogs, and Craig was there, at the bottom, a Prince Charming in board shorts, accidentally on purpose grabbing my boob while he helped me up. He licked some of my…