If you’ve tried the South Beach and Paleo diets, only to be let down, then get ready for the fitness craze sweeping depressed homes across the nation – the all-new Apocalypse Diet! The Apocalypse Diet guarantees weight loss and decreased muscle tone, and all you have to do is continue to listen to the radio and watch the news. How does it work, you might ask? The Apocalypse Diet literally replaces your appetite with nausea and bodily weakness, perpetuated by your own, now realistic fear of World War III. If you’ve always been one to sit on the sidelines while…
Author: Sarah Hutto
Sarah Hutto
A comedy writer whose work has appeared on McSweeney’s and Reductress. Follow her journey on Twitter as she moves ever closer to achieving her life's dream of one day owning her own bidet.
As an avid post-massacre speech enthusiast, I approached President Obama’s latest address with an open mind. I really wanted to like it. Unfortunately, I felt that it drew too much on his past post-massacre speeches. To be fair, I’m sure after revisiting the same idea repeatedly, it must be really difficult not to just rehash the exact same approach every time. Still, it pains me to say that it just felt sort of forced this time around. After the first three or four massacres, we saw a genuine air of surprise on his part; shock, even. Over time, that shock…
Heyyy. Do you have a second? Look, I was just sitting at my desk, trying to concentrate on those files you emailed me and realized that I like, totally can’t even think straight right now. I mean, blah! So, I went ahead a looked at the nautical app on my phone and it turns out that the barometric pressure just plummeted in our region. I know it’s not a highly recognized thing, but I’m like, completely useless when there’s a dip in barometric pressure. Yeah. I could try to fight it with coffee, but the thing is, I’m not going…