Me: Howie, I put some freeze-dried sweet potato bites back there for you. Help yourself. Howie: Too much to ask for some beef jerky or something? Me: That dog seatbelt isn’t too tight, is it? Howie: Where the hell are you taking me? Me: Your new home. You’re going to live with us now. Howie: Why? Me: Wendy and I had been talking about rescuing a dog for a long time. We finally pulled the trigger and rescued you. Howie: Was I drowning? Me: Haha. No, buddy, all dogs deserve a forever home, and we wanted to give you one.…
Author: Scotty Jenkins
Scotty Jenkins
Scotty Jenkins lives in Tucker, Georgia. His writing has appeared in Points In Case, Slackjaw, The Haven, and his Google Drive.
Dude, those guys over there are talking shit. I’m telling you, man, I’m about to go over there and fuck ‘em up. They’re lucky I’m not in my 20s anymore, or I already would have. I used to crack some skulls back in the day. Hold on, dude. Let’s stretch first. If we’re gonna fuck these guys up, we don’t want to be sore tomorrow. I have to coach my kids’ soccer team. It’s already gonna be a bitch with bruised knuckles. And we need a plan. I wanna know exactly what I’m gonna do and then go over there…
Come on over here by the grill with the guys. It’s in man’s nature to stand over a fire and cook the flesh of fallen beasts. Barbaric yet peaceful, you know? Fuck yeah, it is! Let me fire this bad boy up. First, I gotta make sure it has enough proprietary wood pellets. Just gotta open up the Traeger app. There’s enough to get her going. The patented pellet sensor will let me know if I need to add any mid-cook. Just have to dump them right here in this compartment. Then they’ll be fed into the heating compartment with…
Maggie Boy! Quit hiding and come be my bitch! That’s right – I want to play you in a no-holds-barred chess match, except without the clocks. I like to take my time and think through moves. I retired from boxing, undefeated. Yep, I conquered that shit. Went 2-0, and then everybody got scared of me. Conor McGregor. David Beckham. Martin Shkreli. All fucking scared. So now I’m gonna conquer chess, starting at the very top, live on pay-per-view. Billy McFarland from Fyre Festival is producing the event from prison. Ja Rule won’t call us back, but we almost have my…
Dear Heavenly Father, Please veto the democratic choice of the American people and install Brother Trump for a second term. In Jesus’s name I pray, amen. Dear Heavenly Father, Please be with Brother Rudy, America’s mayor-turned-bootlicker, as he tries to subvert the democratic process. In Jesus’s name I pray, amen. Dear Heavenly Father, Please let RNC Chair Ronna McDaniel find evidence for the baseless accusations of massive fraud she made on national TV. In Jesus’s name I pray, amen. Dear Heavenly Father, Please give Brother Trump’s legal team the strength to keep straight faces as they argue their cases in…
When I lace up my gloves and get in the ring, a switch flips inside me. I’m not Steve Dufresne, Desktop Support Analyst II, anymore. I’m Steve “The Warrior” Dufresne. I’m jacked up and ready for battle, just like the Roman gladiators, the Spartans, and John Cena in The Marine. And when my shift ends this Saturday, I’m heading over to the county recreation center for a six-round war. It’s going down. If I’ve learned anything from studying the sweet science, it’s that you have to be willing to put everything on the line. I’m going to do just that, and…
Dear Walmart shoppers, Because of the COVID-19 pandemic, we are experiencing supply shortages of some common household items. Rest assured, we are working diligently to keep our shelves stocked. During this difficult time, however, we ask that you buy only the items you absolutely need, and that you buy only the amount that you would under normal circumstances. There is one exception: the $5 DVDs in the value bin. Get them now because they’re going fast. Well, not yet. But they will be once people think they are and storm the bins looking for the classics they vaguely remember from…
If you can’t keep your moronic opinion to yourself, you should recklessly share it with the world in an op-ed. Unlike most of the content in newspapers, which is written by staff writers, the op-ed page is where unaffiliated writers share their expertise, interesting perspectives, and, in your case, stupidity. Below are some tips for crafting your piece, which will undeniably be a disservice to public discourse. Connect It to Literally Any Current Event Opinion pieces are most effective when they’re tied to current events. Because your opinion is so absurd, however, you can tie it to anything in the…