Author: Simon Pinkerton

As the hot weather beckons, is it a good idea to peel off that sweaty college tee when you’re at the beach, by the pool or in the library? Luckily, as our resident expert, I’m here to give you the definitive answer based on the size and shape of your totally superfluous nip-nips! Nipple Categories Small Why put up with pits like a Florida swamp? Get that shirt off and flaunt those barely perceptible nipples! Unless they’re too small, like David Beckham’s. Then folks start to wonder if you’re some next evolutionary step they’re not included in. Large Think long and hard…

I consider myself a moderate and a pragmatist when it comes to politics. I’m not a member of any party. My vote is here to be won. So why has nobody even tried to appeal to my deep-seated wish to be RoboCop? How can you say you’re “tough on crime” if you’re not sending forth previously untested cyborg prototypes onto the streets of Detroit? And you would think that with all of our military spending, some bright spark would have thought, “You know what would be better than meat-soldiers? Metal ones!” It’s a no-brainer. Although I would prefer to be…