Author: Steve DiMatteo

Are you looking at your Christmas (that’s right, Christmas – we WON the war) tree this year and thinking, “My God, this tree isn’t doing nearly enough to help make America great again. I need to fix this immediately!”? You’re in luck! For the low price of just $99, you can buy an ornament that shows everyone you’ve never been afraid to say “Merry Christmas,” and now that it’s once again legal to do so with the election of Donald J. Trump, you’re going to say it to everyone’s face as loudly as you possibly can! Made of brass and…

“If knowledge is not put into practice, it does not benefit one.”- Muhammad Tahir-ul-Qadri As you ponder those words, take a moment to honor the knowledge-seekers of our society by reading through this unedited list of search terms people used to find Robot Butt in November: obama loves steve austin trumpsgiving spontaneous erections devil in hell looks like who? naked mailman doritos jacked symbol meeting thanksgiving farts powerball tips and secrets friends theory rachel dead celebrity in pizza clothes dammit trump cute joker jurassic park penis poems on pizza picture of hitler as old man pic of the devil biggest…

Last Thursday night, in the heated aftermath of the election in which a defective, all-orange piece of candy corn was elected president, some teens rose up to take matters into their own hands. As Donald Trump’s vampire son Eric was stalking the streets of New York City with his wife, a group – eight or so, apparently – of teens zeroed in on him and let loose with a supreme roasting, yelling, “Eric, fuck your father!” Another heckler shouted, “Love Trumps Hate!” Trump’s undead offspring turned to confront the teens, but even the most hardened vampires know you don’t mess with…

In Lil Wayne’s song “Steady Mobbin”, the rapper goes into great detail over how much he rules the world. It’s the usual fare for the rap game: big guns, no regard for bitches, drugs, the constant pursuit for absurd sums of money, and something about wolves. But in one of Lil Wayne’s verses, he does something interesting. He lets it slip that his house has ten bathrooms, not because it’s a pimp thing to do, but because it’s a medical necessity for him: “Big house, long hallways Got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day.” I don’t know if anyone…

Here at Robot Butt, we respect the quest for knowledge. With that in mind, here is a completely unedited list of some of the most insightful search terms that brought people to Robot Butt in October: queen elizabeth butt robots getting ass time travel to stop trump why is mike pence always squinting? valentine did not deserve to go home why do humans think aliens will prove them in the ass thanksgiving dinner farts ghost of a black man elves are not lewd poop with door open space jam butt testicles in vice pudding factory will the simpsons ever end…

Back in 2013, I was covering the Cleveland Indians for the Associated Press and the team was hovering around .500 while playing some fairly atrocious defense at times. You might be surprised given the fact that the team is now a defensive powerhouse, but believe me, it should have been illegal to watch Cleveland play defense a few years ago. Remember, they were once experimenting with Carlos Santana at third base. During one particular loss, someone (I naturally want to say Michael Bourn) made a pretty lazy throw to second, which allowed the hitter to leg out a double that shouldn’t…

https://youtu.be/eEX96EiClWU Look, we had to make this very sensual video of celery set to Ginuwine’s “Pony” and that’s all you need to know about it. Please don’t ask us why we had to do it. Just…please don’t.

“Reading furnishes the mind only with materials of knowledge; it is thinking that makes what we read ours.” – John Locke With that in mind, here is an unedited list of Google search terms that brought people to Robot Butt in September: why won’t mcdonald’s keep the mcrib big egg nipples how to torture a penis dog poop pictures can i sell my soul to the devil ? if yes how old lady with gun pumpkins shaped like boobs fuckable foods robot handjob going shirtless sell your soul on whatsapp hard on at the beach pumpkin spice trump the impending…

I don’t know why it took this long for people to finally denounce Donald Trump so thoroughly and publicly, but hey, here we finally are. It would appear that as a country we have decided to grab this election by the pussy and rally against Trump in earnest, in light of the appalling comments made by someone who should only be thought of as a filthy, old, criminal bastard rather than president of the United States. But that isn’t to say that Trump doesn’t still have his inner circle and core group of supporters; not everyone is jumping ship on…

I never seem to consider the San Francisco Giants’ existence during the baseball season. Maybe it’s because I’m an American League guy in the Midwest, but they just never register on my radar – until the playoffs. The playoffs are where I’m reminded, in the even years at least, that the Giants are a mythical, magical beast that simply cannot be stopped, no matter any perceived deficiencies. And the head of that beast is pitcher Madison Bumgarner, who has yet to surrender a run in 23 innings of elimination-game pitching. The perfection was on display again last night in the…