Author: Steve DiMatteo

In what can only be described as the most horrific national security mistake ever committed in United States history, the White House allowed television producer and minion of Satan Chuck Lorre to roam its halls last week. He was there with Allison Janney, who remains a national treasure despite starring in a Chuck Lorre CBS sitcom called Mom (though I’m not convinced she’s not being forced to do it against her will). Janney took the podium at the White House press briefing as her West Wing character C.J. Cregg, initially to have some fun with the room (because Janney will forever be a delight),…

The beard is nearly extinct in American politics, especially when it comes to the presidency, and it doesn’t look like the trend will reverse itself anytime soon. The United States’ last fully bearded president was Benjamin Harrison, who served from 1889-1893. Our 23rd president capped off a really impressive streak of bearded presidents, starting with Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president. Lincoln was followed by Ulysses S. Grant (18), Rutherford B. Hayes (19), James A. Garfield (20) and Harrison as fellow presidential beardsmiths. Not to be completely outdone, presidents Chester Arthur (21) and Grover Cleveland (22 and 24) sported mustaches in…

People love fawning over babies like they’re the greatest thing in the world, but they’re not. It’s not even close. Ask yourself: When has a baby ever done something cool like hit a home run or tell a hilarious joke? Never! Even more baffling is that babies can’t even perform basic functions that adults do each and every day. I’m supposed to cheer when a baby spouts gibberish and is barely able to stand on its own two legs? Please. It’s time we gain the upper hand against those wiggling little soft-skulled menaces. So when you’re inevitably face-to-face with a…

“Every mind was made for growth, for knowledge, and its nature is sinned against when it is doomed to ignorance.” – William Ellery Channing With that in mind, here is an unedited list of some search terms used to discover Robot Butt in March: ross and monica too close robot boobs ted cruz looks like dracula disney princess pooping hot disgusted boob tribble sex hillary clinton’s butt how to deal with a psychopath roommate mcdonalds news human meat should i be strokin licking butt cheeks donald trump potato real visions of hell wife pooping with door open ted cruz looks like…

I didn’t write a 6,000-word longform piece detailing how ham is the worst meat on the planet, but I could if I wanted to. Do you hear me, National Ham Council? I could if I wanted to! But after suffering through another ham-infested Easter, I know I can no longer stand idly by and watch as this subpar meat is prominently featured in two major holidays (Easter and Christmas) and continues to infringe on another (Thanksgiving). Not to mention the way the ham lobby has positioned its meat as somehow equal, if not superior, to other lunch meats like turkey and roast…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Em4nIlxXr3Q Typing is a horrible curse no human should ever have to endure. And now, thanks to the SpeechTastic 3000, you’ll never have to! With this amazing tool, simply say what you’re thinking and it magically appears on the screen! The act of typing may have been unleashed upon humanity by the devil himself, but your eternal salvation awaits in the SpeechTastic 3000. Buy yours today!

“Grandpa, why were people so embarrassingly stupid back in your day?” That’s quite a thing for a precocious little boy or girl to ask his/her grandfather, but I know it’s coming. For every state Donald Trump wins this Republican primary season, I grow closer to the dark realization that I will one day have to answer for just what in the hell people were thinking in the year 2016. Now, I know my grandchildren asking me about Trump means he won’t win the presidential election, because if he does we will have all died in a nuclear war with China…

“No thief, however skillful, can rob one of knowledge, and that is why knowledge is the best and safest treasure to acquire.” – L. Frank Baum With that in mind, here is an unedited list of some search terms used to find Robot Butt in February: kissing by mistake with your cousin ted cruz looks like a vampire all the things ted cruz looks like butts you need to see ted cruz looks like a puppet i want to sell my soul to the brotherhood boobs all day ted cruz looks like the joker cousin smooch cracked out lucky charms…