Author: Steve DiMatteo

The unexpectedly strong campaign of Bernie Sanders is really doing a number on Hillary Clinton. Though she was long expected to waltz to the Democratic nomination without any resistance, that just hasn’t been the case. And now the strain of yet another grueling campaign slog is really starting to affect the former Secretary of State. Now, I’m a married man, but keeping in line with traditional Clinton values, Hillary doesn’t seem to mind. Even worse, she doesn’t seem to understand or care that the following emails are just a painfully transparent attempt to just secure my vote by any means necessary. Here…

Right now, there is a groundswell of support for the very credible idea that Ted Cruz is the infamous (and still anonymous) Zodiac Killer, who was linked to at least five murders – but claimed 37 – in Northern California in the late 1960s and early 1970s. But I’m going to take it a step further. There is no doubt in my mind that Ted Cruz is also Jack the Ripper. You might be asking yourself, “Jack the Ripper? You mean the unidentified serial killer from 19th century London who murdered at least eleven women? AND you think he’s the…

It doesn’t come as a surprise that the sentient barrel of radioactive sludge named Donald Trump won South Carolina’s GOP primary Saturday, as he’s been leading in every…single…poll…everywhere…for months. But here’s something that actually is somewhat surprising – sort of. Exit polls, those things political pundits furiously masturbate to on election night, in the state have nearly 75% of people agreeing with Trump that there should be at least a temporary ban on Muslims entering the United States. Additionally, nearly 50% of Republican voters in South Carolina favor the deportation of undocumented immigrants. Those are astounding figures. But don’t misunderstand what…

“This is my fight song, get back my wife song…” freshly divorced Gary sang to himself between shots of whiskey, choking back the onslaught of tears in his new one-bedroom apartment, desperate to steel his shattered psyche and take his mind off his ex-wife and the Valentine’s Day date she was surely on with her new boyfriend Todd, whom the children already refer to as ‘Dad.’

“The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.” – Anaïs Nin With that in mind, here is an unedited list of some search terms used to find Robot Butt in January: robot minorities 37 birthday pictures bernie sanders the superhero mother daughter puke do something john cena should i look away when my dog is pooing why i don’t trust tom hanks ibm watson god image of grandpa butt santa claus fetish uncle fart loving a convicted murderer why his martin o’malley even bothering why won’t my dog make eye contact…

Lil’ Flip’s 2004 song “Sunshine” is a classic tale of what happens when a woman falls in love with a thug: private jets, luxury cars and trips around the world. And according to Lil’ Flip, there are some pretty standard guidelines you have to follow if you’re going to be his girl: be a freak in the sheets, cook him food, pick him up from the airport at the right time, that kind of thing. But what makes “Sunshine” such a notable song for thugs is Lil’ Flip’s complete disregard for milk despite appearing to buy it regularly: I need a lady…

Despite being universally loved and one of the greatest home run hitters of all time (and doing it all clean, which stodgy baseball writers who have burdened themselves with upholding the moral values of our society are obsessed with), Ken Griffey Jr. somehow did not get 100% of the vote for induction into the Hall of Fame this week. Granted, he did get the highest vote total of all time – 99.3% (437 of the 440 ballots cast) – but that means three writers out there looked at Griffey’s resume and figured 630 clean dingers and a swing that made…

“Knowledge is power. Information is liberating. Education is the premise of progress, in every society, in every family.” – Kofi Annan With that in mind, here is an unedited list of some search terms used to find Robot Butt in December: demi lovato farts in public thick grandma robot lust is chuck lorre a devil future of butt worst time to shit your pants sell your soul online real is there a message to be learned in frosty the snowman thanksgiving dinner farts dog having sex with owner signs your room mate was masturbating pictures of the real devil in…

Martin O’Malley, who is trailing Democratic frontrunners Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders by four hundred and sixty-five jillion percentage points, was in Iowa on Monday during a huge storm that forced other campaigns to cancel their events. Not O’Malley’s, though! The “presidential candidate” persevered through the elements and held his meet-and-greet anyway. And since it was nearly the apocalypse outside, literally only one person showed up. Of course, it’s unclear whether or not more people would have come to a Martin O’Malley campaign event had it been a bright, sunny day and O’Malley himself was offering to wash everyone’s cars in…

So the first trailer for Star Trek Beyond was released and nerds everywhere have gotten their collective Spock undies in a bunch over every aspect of it, mainly because the movie doesn’t look painfully boring and has the audacity to include some action scenes. But what I’m wondering is how in the world Kirk is even still allowed to captain a ship, given that he’s been involved in the destruction of about 43 of these things. https://youtu.be/oD9ARfF9x0o?t=4m50s Starfleet vessels serve different purposes, but most (like the Enterprise) are supposed to be diplomatic deep-space exploratory ships, designed to seek out lifeforms and help…