Author: Steve DiMatteo

Dino Week is officially here! If you’ve been here for our previous theme weeks, then you know what’s about to go down. If this is your first time being privy to a Robot Butt theme week, then you’re about to be inundated with all of the dinosaur comedy you can handle for the next five days. This, of course, is leading up to the release of Jurassic World, everyone’s favorite doomed amusement park movie franchise. So while you eagerly await the film, changing your underwear three or four times a day in anticipation, keep yourself locked and loaded here. It’s going…

As always, our audience has proved its diversity through the search terms used to find Robot Butt. In May, we had all sorts of curious minds on the site, from those seeking information on the prospects of ISIS’ defeat to people interested in dinosaur reproduction and Marco Rubio’s butt. So to celebrate our readers’ insatiable thirst for knowledge, here are some of the other top terms from last month: urinal robot that hold’s a man’s penis pizza lust why do dogs make eye contact when they poop judy greer butt how to silence your farts butt godzilla mad max furry…

Even in the nicest of neighborhoods lie deranged police blotters, and one of the best I’ve seen recently comes from the Westlake (Ohio) Police Department: A 31-year-old Lakewood woman high on PCP stopped her 2008 Honda Civic in the fast lane of I-90 westbound at 2:45 p.m. on May 10. She climbed onto the roof and screamed, and then ran when Rocky River and Westlake police officers arrived. She was corralled with the assistance of a Good Samaritan passerby before she got run over.  A Cleveland man also stopped at the scene and stated that she had rear-ended him shortly…

Baseball beefs are the best, and the most fun baseball beefs are the ones that revolve around maintaining the “integrity of the game.” In other words, if you do something that another player feels is an egregious affront to the holiness of the greatest game on Earth, then you, my friend, have become embroiled in a fresh baseball beef. That’s exactly what happened to Washington Nationals outfielder Bryce Harper on Friday, when Cincinnati Reds pitcher Tony Cingrani drilled him in the back with a pitch. Now, when that happens, the hit batter usually gets the opportunity to slowly walk it off because,…

If you followed a guy you really, really hated – just a guy who has been a huge, terrible asshole to you – into the bathroom, without him seeing you, of course, and waited for him to start peeing at the urinal, only to grab him by the shoulders in the middle of it and viciously throw him to the ground. The benefits of doing this are many-pronged: You will get the appropriate vengeance for being wronged The guy would be very shocked, embarrassed and eventually furious He’d get pee all over whatever douche clothes he was wearing He might even…

I sure as hell hope that Spider-Man is out there somewhere, because the Green Goblin is very real. Canadian madman Catalin Alexandru Duru recently set a Guinness World Record for farthest flight by hoverboard, destroying the previous record of 164 feet airborne by traveling 905 feet and two inches. Calling it “the first real-life hoverboard,” Duru traveled more than 16 feet above the ground, effectively terrorizing the people below him. Duru built the hoverboard himself and says that it can reach “scary heights” – presumably high above the New York City skyline, where he will eventually do battle with his web-slinging…

At first, when I read that the Boy Scouts of America were banning water gun fights, I thought, “HO BOY, YOUTH IS DEAD, HOW DID SOCIETY FALL SO FAR? WHERE IS MY SOAPBOX?” And normally, after seeing an explanation that saw value in banning water gun fights because they weren’t “kind,” I would have run naked in the streets like a ranting and raving lunatic. All in all, a typical Thursday. But instead, I put my shirt back on this time, stepped down from my desk and composed myself. I calmed down and convinced myself not to worry. While the Boy Scouts…

At my house, we like to buy entire vegetable trays, the ones typically reserved for all sorts of get-togethers. But these are just for the two of us. I don’t know and I don’t care if it’s not a cost-effective way to get vegetables (I’m almost positive it’s not), but busting out a fresh veggie tray before returning to an endless X-Files marathon significantly increases the fun factor. Except when we have to look at the sad-ass cauliflower, a useless, depressing vegetable that sometimes, beyond all reason, occupies a quarter of the whole freaking tray. The cauliflower lobby is really earning its money…

We all knew this day would come. Though The Simpsons has felt like an eternal presence watching over us, at some point, the empire would inevitably come crashing down when one of the main voice actors decided it was time to call it quits. That day is finally here. Harry Shearer – the voice of vital characters such as Mr. Burns, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Mr. Smithers, Otto, Dr. Hibbert, Kent Brockman and an absurd amount of others (including one of my favorites, Gaylord Q. Tinkledink) – has decided to leave the show after 567 seasons or so. Depending on who you…

For most of Ludacris’ “Area Codes,” he seems to be pretty proud of how many hoes he has across the country. But after going through an incredibly lengthy list of area codes at the end of the song, it begins to fade out with these very concerning lyrics: “Hoes to the right, hoes to the left/ Five hoes this time, woo!/ Hoe, no!” It would appear that Ludacris is no longer in control of how many hoes he acquires. In fact, his acquisition of hoes might be increasing at such a breakneck pace that it defies all levels of physics…