Author: Steve DiMatteo

There’s a panda in China that is better at sex than you. Lu Lu and his partner Zhen Zhen recently banged for an astounding and record-breaking seven minutes and 45 seconds, making Lu Lu the king of the Sichuan Giant Panda Research Centre, so much so that he has been given the nickname of “The Enduring Brother” and likely fields requests for advice from the human staff members. Lucky for you, some sicko filmed the whole thing, so you can watch Lu Lu and Zhen Zhen’s sex tape to maybe get some tips. The average panda sex lasts 30 seconds…

As always, the keywords used to find Robot Butt are an eclectic bunch. Ranging from many people looking to sell their souls to the devil to those with depraved sexual fantasies involving Slinky Dog’s butt, we pride ourselves on having such a diverse audience of degenerates. After digging through our site analytics, here are the highlights of search terms for March: how do i sell my soul to the illuminati and become rich butt sunday what happened to cookie monster michael keaton butt ass queen largest dinosaur he has the arse to pull his dick from the dirt i want…

Bad Company is such an underrated band (Maybe? To be honest, I’m really not sure if they are, I just know that I never hear anybody talking about them. Plus, everybody loves saying something is underrated to appear like a far more accomplished and intelligent entertainment connoisseur. So guess what? Bad Company’s underrated as hell.). That’s why, for this weekend, you should listen to “Can’t Get Enough,” the first track from their 1974 kick-ass self-titled debut album. Bask in Bad Company’s underrated glory as you feel yourself becoming better than those around you! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAPUxvjbdcU

People love to rag on the Star Wars prequels, and for good reason. For the total running time among the three movies, about 5% of it is watchable. But there has always been one element to these movies that was even remotely comparable to the greatness of the original three films. That, of course, is Darth Maul, the greatest badass in the entire universe. That insanely terrifying Satanic face (with that look, though, did he ever even stand a chance to choose the path of the Jedi?), his even more terrifying silence, the way he could take on two Jedi at…

We’ve seen how this plays out before. When the Cleveland Indians are featured on a Sports Illustrated cover, all hell breaks loose. It is the foreshadowing of a doomed future, an inescapable fate that lays waste to entire seasons and players’ careers. The pain inflicted upon the Cleveland Indians at the hands of Sports Illustrated dates back to the 1950’s and brings us all the way to today, as the Tribe’s Corey Kluber and Michael Brantley grace a regional cover of the magazine’s latest issue. This was supposed to be the year the young Indians broke through and made a deep run in…

For some reason, the University of Akron is thinking about changing its name. Officially, the school says the new name would “reflect its unique strengths in polytechnical and professional fields, along with career-focused applied learning.” But really, I’m pretty sure they’d name the school just about anything if a high-enough bidder came along to claim it. This is how Dingleberry University will come into existence. If there’s one thing universities love, it’s free money from an outside source. People are getting buildings named after them all the time, so how hard can it be to buy the name of an…

I don’t typically binge-watch television shows, but the future Mrs. and I can’t stop slamming our way through The X-Files. We heard the calling, decided to start from the beginning and, as expected, our lives have now been fully consumed. I hardly know what day it is anymore and I now realize how little that matters in the first place. I see time in increments of X-Files episodes; how many X-Files episodes is it until we need to meet up with our friends and can we cancel everything else in our lives to watch more episodes? I’ve always loved the show, but it’s been years…

As the leading sources for the production of both current and future Buttholes of America, college fraternities should not be held to any sort of standard for normal human behavior. They operate outside the realm of basic human standards that plebs like you and I must adhere to. But for some reason, we insist as a society on believing that most men in frats really can be anything but uncontrollable gremlins. If that was the case, how else could they end up being our bosses or actually having a say in running the country? So when video surfaced of the Sigma Alpha…

They say God works in mysterious ways, that we never know exactly how he’ll make Himself known to us. But for one praying man in a New Jersey Applebee’s in 2010, he had an experience so many people can only dream of. God actually answered back. And just what did the Lord say to this man? Why, my son? Why must you defile the one body I have given you? As the man bowed over his piping-hot steak fajita skillet, God sent him a message by creating a grease pop that would burn the man’s left eye and face. And to further His…