Author: Steve DiMatteo

It smacked me right in the face as I entered the grocery store, like I walked square into an invisible wall. Greeting all shoppers was a large display of oranges, nothing that would typically seem out of the ordinary. But it was the heinous use of its pitchman, his face plastered on every bag, that made me lose consciousness for a moment. My God, Cookie Monster, what have they done to you? There he was, as plain as day, completely dissociating himself from the only thing he ever loved. I thought back to a few years ago, when Cookie Monster shamefully…

With hundreds of people scaling Mount Everest every single year, the campsites around the mountain have slowly become poop-infested nightmares. Apparently, all of the climbers ascending the mountain are too preoccupied with the thought of dying to scoop up their poop and haul it with them to the top. But all of that long-festering poop and urine has become a real problem for Nepal, as it’s becoming an environmental hazard, threatening to spread disease all over the place. But hey, if there’s one thing humanity knows how to do well, it’s ruining beautiful things. And with all of our disgusting poop…

The Cleveland Browns are the kings of mediocrity in the NFL, which is to say that, in very Cleveland Browns fashion, they’re just simply never bad enough.However, with the signing of 35-year-old journeyman quarterback Josh McCown, who will presumably start plenty of games for Cleveland, the team might finally be moving in the right direction. You see, McCown stinks to high heaven. Save for his miraculous 2013 season with the Chicago Bears, in which he threw 13 touchdowns to just one interception, McCown’s atrocious career stats over 12 seasons look like this: 48 touchdowns to 58 interceptions. Even better, McCown is…

Richard Niedermaier was finally making waves at the Fortune 500 company at which he worked. After years of hard work and personal sacrifice, he was recently named Vice President of Acquisitions, which meant he now had the full authority to run the department however he saw fit. And after a thorough and careful look into the day-to-day operations of the Acquisitions team, he realized that many people had simply been coasting for years and were either unable or unwilling to perform to their full potential. It was that same invasive mentality among the team that led to a recent dip…

You might not realize it, but the display advertising you find in Target stores can range anywhere from being hilarious to downright terrifying. Here, we will chronicle this demented segment of the retail world. Based on the in-store advertising I’ve seen at Target, I now have to assume that the company believes all fathers are bordering on complete insanity. From incomprehensible egg games to maniacal staredowns with children, it would appear that every dad in the world is bordering on a mental breakdown of epic proportions. Which probably isn’t too far off from the truth.

Chuck Lorre’s shows are the anal fissures of television. They’re excruciatingly uncomfortable and painful to sit through, and it often feels like there is no end in sight, no escape from the torture. But with the end of Two and a Half Men, we have been shown that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. These shows are not immortal beasts from hell; it is possible that they can die. For many of us, hope is once again a tangible concept. For 12 unfathomable seasons, Two and a Half Men tortured the world, smugly sitting atop the Nielsen ratings…

This isn’t going to be a long diatribe about the state of Saturday Night Live, because that’s been done to death every which way and, in all honesty, I unabashedly love the show. I get off on defending it. I believe in it, have always believed in it and will always believe in it. Sure, Saturday Night Live has had some painful, low moments, but it would be foolish to think that a show with a life spanning 40 years wouldn’t have a rough patch or two. Anyone involved with the show would freely admit that, I’m sure. But you’d also have to be a doofus…

Robot Butt is officially a year old, which means that while we still poop our pants, we’re at least starting to get a sense of the world around us. So let’s celebrate! And like a sitcom that has officially run out of ideas, we figured we’d just rest on our laurels and settle for a look back at our best stuff. Here are our ten most popular posts from the past year: 1. 5 Examples That Prove Miranda Kerr is a Horrible Monster 2. 25 Little-Known Facts About Batman 3. Dying is Easy. Comedy is Hard: A Look at Monty…

Suffice it to say, things are getting really weird around here these days. As I continue to examine the search terms that people use to eventually find themselves at Robot Butt, I am noticing that the terms themselves are becoming more and more…deranged. Just take a look at some of the search terms that brought people to Robot Butt in the past month (Note: none of the terms have been altered, including spelling): is taylor swift a robot batman’s penis frankenberry angela merkel butt china big butt brad pitt robot sell my soul to the devil forever super model armpit king kong…

We all know that the NBA’s slam dunk contest sucks now. And the only people who watch the actual All-Star Game are some really sick puppies, likely capable of some pretty terrifying and heinous things. But there are definitely good parts to the NBA’s All-Star weekend! The three-point contest is cool and the skills competition is pretty enjoyable. The problem is just that there are so many ways the weekend could be better, and no one’s doing anything to fix it. If I was running the league, though, I’d add these essential events immediately (while disposing of the All-Star Game itself,…