Author: Steve DiMatteo

Those eyes. “Free me from the pain of this existence,” they say. “I am prepared to meet my Creator,” they say. That stare. The way it looks so far beyond you, as if you don’t even exist. Like it is wholly transfixed on a dark and inescapable past, full of horrors unseen to the rest of the world. That smile. Plastered onto his face and terrifying in its frozen state, this is the surest sign of someone who has been mentally broken in every possible way. Why exactly does the Waffle Crisp mascot look so willing to die? What has he…

No enemy is more dangerous than the one who will do something nice for you first, disarming you completely right before obliterating your entire world. And judging by his Titantron entrance song, John Cena is exactly that type of person. Look at this line from his own rap song, “The Time is Now”: “I got my soul straight, I brush your mouth like Colgate.” Now that’s just nice. It makes sense; after all, he is all about the “Rise Above Hate” movement. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that John Cena is willing to save you the trouble…

I caught Cloverfield on Syfy last night, which means its 85-minute runtime was dragged out to about four hours with commercials. But all of that time gave me an opportunity to consider the true aim of the film. Sure, it’s a monster movie, but it’s so much more than that. It’s really an exercise in proving just how far a man would go for sex. A monster is annihilating New York and the only thing Rob Hawkins can think to do is go right through it because a babe is on the other side. Noble and so very accurate.

I went into Puppy Bowl XI feeling pretty confident in my fantasy team, but as I was building my three-player lineup, I somehow talked myself out of selecting Falcor. Falcor! I should have known that would cost me, and it did – dearly. Rather than finding a respectable place on the leaderboard, my team finished in extreme mediocrity, placing 9,853rd out of 18,116 entries. My biggest regret, which will haunt me as long and as painfully as Pete Carroll’s doomed choice to pass at the goal line, is picking Papi, who finished with only three points for Team Fluff. One measly…

More than any other sport, when I watch basketball, I’m always able to convince myself that I could score in an actual professional game. No special rules, no free unabated shots with no one trying to defend me. Just letting me suit up with a team and stepping onto the court like any other NBA player. I could do it. I think it’s because the game of basketball is so simple in its design. Your objective is the simplest of all, something you really figured out as a mush-brained baby. This round ball goes into that cylinder. Anybody can do…

You might not realize it, but the display advertising you find in Target stores can range anywhere from being hilarious to downright terrifying. Here, we will chronicle this demented segment of the retail world. I found this giant banner above the frozen foods section at a local Target. What in God’s name is going on here? What kind of sick torture is this man putting his son through? The only thing I can think of is that this is part of a variety of trials to turn the son into a man, that not breaking the egg is just one more…

One of the greatest existential questions humans face is that of free will. Do we truly have it? Or have we always been put on a certain path by a higher being? Those who are successful were meant to be, while those who lead troublesome or tragic lives simply received the short straw in the great lottery of the universe. Could that really be possible? Of course it’s possible. In fact, it’s very likely that we are being controlled by some sort of puppet master whose own existence we could never even begin to comprehend. While you pretend to have…

I’ve talked about attending a couple of Weird Al’s concerts before, and this year, I’ll be going to my third (I’m also getting married this year, so now I have to figure out which moment will be more significant). “The Mandatory World Tour,” which caps off the most successful Weird Al album to date, is going to cover a massive number of dates and will span all across the globe. I’d love to see him perform in Denmark, but it looks like I’ll just have to settle for Cleveland on May 30. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x18PM0DaDL4

With a career that spans as long as Weird Al’s, it’s likely hard finding new and challenging career hurdles. However, there might not be one any tougher than fighting Batman himself. But that’s exactly what Weird Al is going to do this spring. In a new animated feature, Batman vs. Robin, Weird Al will play the villain Dollmaker, but there’s a far more important element to this. Does his role mean he’ll get to do the movie’s theme song as well, like he did for Spy Hard? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7KMMxAQp8I

“Stay Fly” (or “Stay High” if you really have any self-respect) by Three 6 Mafia & Friends is one of the better rap songs to come out in this new, young millennium. Who among us doesn’t remember bumping to this song, possibly even awkwardly at a school dance? But aside from simply being a pretty solid banger, “Stay Fly” manages to also fit in a bold, thought-provoking dissection of what we truly mean when we talk about the “American way.” We have always considered the elements of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness to be the foundations upon which the American way…