Author: Steve DiMatteo

Who among us hasn’t spent an entire Saturday on the couch, watching every mediocre movie TBS decides to play throughout the day? And in that time, who among us hasn’t daydreamed of a reality without responsibilities, where your only objective in life was to chill as hard as you possibly could on the couch at all times? “No,” we all end up telling ourselves. “I should get up. There’s no way I can get away with being this much of a lazy societal nonfactor.” But thanks to NASA, all of your practice in being worthless has paid off, as you…

Sometimes, our readers are craving information about penis torture. Other times, they’re more interested in the intricacies of ass licking. This month, they’ve got a lot of varying questions about the world we live in, and we’re just happy to help provide some insight any way we can. Here are some of the top search terms used to find Robot Butt this month: terminator genisys will suck secret santa rules chuck e cheese robots thanksgiving farts john mulaney butt 50 cent street cred mcrib 2014 canada space jam butt cyber jokes humans in mcdonalds is it weird to think your…

God spoke to many people throughout the Bible, perhaps most notably to Moses or Noah. But the Lord continues to make his voice heard to people today, using us as the vessels for spreading his everlasting messages. Apparently, Big Sean is one of the lucky ones who has managed to hear God’s voice and he raps about it in his song “Guap.” Here is what God had to tell him: I give it up to God, and he always replies/ “Control yo hoes, you let her talk to you crazy/ You got baby mama drama, you ain’t even got you…

It’s the weekend, so you should be out there tearing things up. But you can’t even begin to think about doing so without the proper soundtrack. So here’s your jam for this weekend: “You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate. You’ve heard this one before – in movies, on TV, pretty much anywhere; this is often the go-to song for when a character lays eyes on the woman of his dreams or some dopey dad sees a tool he just has to have during a Home Depot commercial. But you know what? It’s a damn good song and it should be recognized…

What a time to be alive. Weird Al is one of GQ’s 2014 Men of the Year, and for good reason. Not only did he score his first-ever No. 1 album this year in Mandatory Fun, but he appears to be more culturally relevant than ever, even with a career that is spanning more than three decades. This somehow doesn’t feel real. Sure, anyone with any common sense has always loved Weird Al, but he’s getting the respect and adoration now that my younger (and current) self could have only dreamed of as I listened to Running With Scissors on cassette for what was…

While strolling through a toy aisle recently, I came across what looks like the cutest toy of the Joker that I’ve ever seen. I’d applaud Fisher-Price for taking the character in this direction, but I’m starting to think this was just done to shamelessly make some money. Of course, it was pretty cute when the Joker beat Robin to within an inch of his life with a crowbar and then left him to be blown to pieces. And it was really cute and precocious of him to shoot Barbara Gordon and paralyze her in order to drive Commissioner Gordon insane. Or what about that…

The Thing (the 1982 version, of course) is one of the greatest sci-fi/horror movies of all time, thanks in large part to its groundbreaking use of terrifying practical effects and Kurt Russell’s tremendous mane of hair and beard. Minimalism works wonders in this film; after all, what’s scarier than being trapped in the middle of nowhere with a camouflaged alien presence that is picking people off one by one? Apparently, someone out there thought the film needed vast improvements for a TV edit (you can thank TBS for this). Of course, that included greatly massacring the original cut by reducing the…

The continued dominance of The Big Bang Theory remains a mystery for the most part. There are certainly plenty of viable theories as to how it stays such a massive success (its presence on CBS and constant exposure to old geezers who have no idea that other channels exist or are too lazy to change it to something else, the generally bad taste of American audiences, etc.), but they all still feel impossible when you actually attempt to watch an episode of the show. For those of us who despise The Big Bang Theory with every fiber of our being, this Salon article…

Grandpa thought he could get away with it. Grandpa thought he could make jokes last Thanksgiving about what I do for work, forcing my face to feel a deep burn as the entire family laughed. Grandpa thought I wouldn’t notice that he clearly likes my brother Tyler more just because he lives closer to our grandparents and will come over to fix their cable whenever they want, which usually just involves actually turning on the cable box. Grandpa also thought he could show up at my apartment and try to ask me to lunch; of course, I knew it was just so he…

Update (2018): New names have been added! Update (2015): We’ve added some more names! Did you know that today is International Men’s Day? In honor of the occasion, let’s highlight some of history’s all-stars: Christopher Columbus Adolf Hitler Jeffrey Dahmer Charles Manson David Berkowitz Joseph Stalin O.J. Simpson Edmund Kemper Ivan the Terrible Osama bin Laden Tomás de Torquemada Vladimir Putin Jerry Sandusky Pope Urban II Abu Musab al-Zarqawi Nero Leopold II of Belgium H.H. Holmes Mao Zedong Idi Amin Peter Manuel John Wayne Gacy Ed Gein James Holmes Genghis Khan Dennis Rader Attila the Hun Adolf Eichmann Vlad the…