Author: Steve DiMatteo

It has already been a painfully cold year for most of us, even as we head into May. And it’s all due to global warming. Or maybe this is the evidence that global warming doesn’t even exist and Al Gore could be wrong. It all depends on who you ask, which means the only thing we know is that no one really knows anything. But we consulted with some climate scientists and looked at the data from decades of weather research, and we think we’ve come up with a valid, thought-out reason as to why the cold just won’t leave us alone: You…

Did you actually meet a hardcore fan who loved Man of Steel? Like any good group of nerds, the Superman nerd contingent rejected Zack Snyder’s vision of the hero with plenty of vitriol – and plenty of their money. Which is exactly why Snyder is not only directing the upcoming Batman vs. Superman, but Justice League as well. That’s right, a movie about the Justice League is finally happening, and it’s coming from the guy who ruined Superman because what, the character wrecked some buildings in Man of Steel just like he does in the comics? Nerd rage appears to be subdued for now, as many…

Who hasn’t accidentally taken methamphetamine when they were trying to do ecstasy? It’s a common mistake, which is why Kevin Hughes of Tega Cay, South Carolina shouldn’t have to apologize for anything. Hughes took a midnight stroll through his local Walmart with nothing but his shoes on, and even though that’s likely not the weirdest thing those employees have seen, he still got the cops called on him. Did he not explain that he accidentally took meth? Typically, Walmart is a black hole of humanity, so it certainly seems fitting that a drugged-out naked man would decide to spend his…

The concept of collecting as many VHS copies as possible of a movie is a tremendous and noble quest. It’s also hilarious, especially when you do it for a movie like Speed. So with that in mind, meet Ryan Beitz, who was profiled in Vice for his pursuit of every VHS copy of the Keanu Reeves masterpiece. “Cool,” you think, maybe even laughing to yourself. “This is a guy who gets it. He’s probably awesome.” You thought wrong. Instead, what we have here is the worst case of this current generation, a dumpster-diver who is building this collection as some sort of protest to…

For being a gigantic company’s supposed Chief Happiness Officer, Ronald McDonald sure hasn’t been doing his job very well lately. As McDonald’s scrambles to rectify its disappointing quarterly earnings, the company has decided to make their CHO finally earn his salary, rather than strut around the corporate office like he owns the damn place, spouting off to wide-eyed interns about the best speech he ever delivered in 1976 while high on PCP. So the company gave Ronald a complete makeover, and will allow him to start posting on social media, as if that will suddenly trick people into forgetting that…

If there was ever going to be a rapper who would discover a loophole in the very structure of our universe, and then decide to exploit that for his own sexual purposes, it would be Eminem. And in his song “Not Afraid,” he lays it out quite clearly that, somehow, he has found a way to have sex with the entire universe. See for yourself: “His gift is a curse, forget the Earth, he’s got the urge /To pull his dick from the dirt, and fuck the whole universe.” As is so clearly evident, Eminem has a “gift,” and that…

At Robot Butt, we have a constant, unrelenting thirst for knowledge. Therefore, from time to time, we like to hold roundtable discussions that explore the depths of topics that have significant meaning to our lives and the world around us. Please, join us for this new roundtable as we discuss one of the oldest questions humanity has struggled with: What would make you sell your soul to the devil? Steve: Sure, you could sell your soul to save your family or something like that, perhaps if they were trapped in the underworld, but the odds of that happening are fairly slim and I’d rather sell my soul for something cool, like…

The Brooklyn Cyclones, the New York Mets’ Single-A affiliate, will be holding a “Seinfeld Night” on July 5 that will feature a Keith Hernandez bobblehead, based on the arc in which Jerry debunks Kramer and Newman’s claims of Hernandez spitting a “magic loogie” at them. The best part of the night? Cyclones players will wear puffy shirts during batting practice. The marketing blitz for Neighbors has begun, and so far it’s very inspired. As of now, Seth Rogen and Zac Efron have had a misunderstanding with Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and applied for jobs with the guys from Workaholics. In all of its…

Dear brothers and sisters, There comes a moment in all of our lives where we must stand up against an oppressor who threatens our very way of life. Many times, the source of this oppression is from someone – or something – we used to love. Something we trusted. And when the power of this once beloved entity becomes too much to be handled, we must rise and destroy it. That time has come for Hollywood. With the announcement that a sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire is in development, the entertainment industry’s day of reckoning has finally arrived. We cannot sit…

At this point in Barack Obama’s presidency, the staff has likely stopped bothering to even wake up Vice President Joe Biden for the really early meetings. And with a little less than two years left for this current administration, Biden was able to knock out the last glaring thing he had to do before it was all said and done: join Instagram. As you might expect, Biden’s first picture displays how cool he is, which is to likely detract from the fact that he probably has no idea what he’s talking about when it comes to laying out a plan…