Author: Steve DiMatteo

Someday, hundreds, maybe even thousands, of years from now, scientists will look back on these posts to gain a glimpse into the minds of humans that came long before them. When we provide these lists of unedited search terms that bring people to Robot Butt, we are providing a service, a time capsule to be preserved. See for yourself why we want future generations to remember us and our insightful, inquisitive minds: big butt granny first nude party is ham meat is it really possible to sell your soul how to set a house on fire i deserve to go…

Every year during Lent, Catholics and other devout Christians aren’t allowed to eat meat on Fridays (or Ash Wednesday), as it is off-limits to signify Jesus Christ sacrificing his life for all of us. Or maybe it was the Easter Bunny? I can’t remember. Anyway, that’s why you can’t walk five feet without seeing a sign for a fish fry in the six weeks before Easter. But when you think about it, this isn’t really a personal sacrifice worthy of honoring Jesus Christ. Not at all. First, even if you absolutely hated fish, you’d only have to eat it one…

If you’re a sports fan, the biggest news today is that Bryce Harper just signed a 13-year, $330 million contract with the Philadelphia Phillies. That’s an absolutely unfathomable amount of money to us regular nobodies, but Harper has certainly been preparing for this. Best of all – or worst of all, depending on who you ask – there are no opt-outs in this deal. Harper is getting paaaaaaid. I assume he’ll put it all in a nice little CD that earns him 2% interest a year. And once you factor in Harper’s career earnings to this point, which is, according…

Like most other startups, the Alliance of American Football is on unsure footing financially. So much so that the new football league missed payroll after the first week of games and needed a $250 million cash infusion from billionaire and Carolina Hurricanes owner Tom Dundon, who now essentially owns the entire league. None of this is particularly unique for a new sports league, but what is interesting about this dodged fiasco is that when the AAF missed payroll, the league blamed it on a glitch with switching to a new administrator. That is a classic type of excuse for when…

Whenever you start a new project, you’re never quite sure where it will go or how long it will last, no matter what your initial intentions might be. And now that Robot Butt has officially turned five years old, and I’ve done some deep reflecting with my spiritual guru, it saddens and dismays me to announce: We’re gonna be here in another five years. That’s right, we aren’t showing any signs of slowing down, and we’ve got plenty of new things in the works. Though to even be at this point, it would be insane of me not to thank…

We’ve entered a brand-new year, but our audience’s thirst for knowledge is as insatiable as ever! Here is just a sampling of the insightful searches that brought people to Robot Butt last month: does barron trump have any pets? goat bites off penis men with large nipple clubs did tRUMP WANT ‘art of the deal’ TO TAKE OATH ON??? penis windchime was hitler a robot willy wonka death scene presidential food taster nipples of the gods thomas jefferson hairstyle virgin sacrifice volcano ross and monica incest sex doodles set the house on fire masturbating otter images of breadsticks south bend…

Kanye West has always been hovering around the political world. First he informed the nation that George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people during a telethon raising money for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, and these days he’s calling slavery a choice and hanging out with Donald Trump in the Oval Office, talking about the president’s male energy. But did you know he also appears to be great friends with former CIA director George Tenet? Take a look at the lyrics from his 2012 hit “Clique”: Yeah I’m talking business, we talking CIA I’m talking George Tenet, I seen…

This year was the first year in history that actually lasted a decade (remember when there was a Winter Olympics?!), but 2018 is finally – mercifully – coming to a close, and with that it’s time for reflection. When we look back on 2018, we take stock of everything we’ve learned, everything that made us better in the long run. We – ah, who cares, here are the ten most-read Robot Butt posts from the past year: 10. The Forbes 20 Under the Influence of 420 9. I’m Going on a Haunted House Tour for the History But Also Because…

I don’t care what your Christmas plans are. They’re done. Cancel them. There is no room for Christmas cheer or happiness of any kind for the rest of this year, as Eddie, the Oregon Zoo’s slam dunking and masturbating otter, has died at the ripe old age of 20. Rescued in 1998 from the California coast, Eddie had lived at the Oregon Zoo since 2000, making him one of the oldest of his kind. But that’s not the only thing that made him a hero. Eddie could dunk a basketball – thunderous, ferocious dunks that amazed visitors (and helped his…

They say that the internet was supposed to open an unimaginable treasure trove of information for people, and, well… they were right! Every month, we are blown away by the amount of people who take to the internet to seek out information and are brought to Robot Butt. These are always such insightful queries, and I feel like it’s our duty to highlight them. So without further ado, here is an unedited list of some search terms that brought people to Robot Butt in October: big pile of poop dwarf throwing sport olympics feed susan collins to the lobsters fuck…