Mothra. Cthulhu. Tucker Carlson. What do all three of them have in common with me, Godzilla? We are all firebrands whose views might be considered inflammatory. But I will not be silenced. It’s not like I wanted to be a giant fire-breathing lizard, instilling fear with my very presence. You made me this way with your stupid radiation. I could have lived my life as an adorable non-fire-breathing gecko selling car insurance! These thin-skinned coastal elites are trying to silence me just because I burned their city to the ground with my angry, passionate breath. If what I say hurts…
Author: Susan Sassi
Susan Sassi
Susan Sassi is a standup comedian, contest-placing comedy writer, and professional Cathy impersonator. She has performed at various comedy clubs around Los Angeles, including Flappers, UCB LA, Second City, and iO West. Susan lives in Los Angeles and broke the world record for making up the most songs about her cats. Follow her on Twitter @sassers_.
Do you have a trust fund from a wealthy relative? Are you sure? Asking wealthy relatives for handouts or to invest in your startup is the easiest way to not be poor. Get a DNA test and then hire a P.I. to find a long-lost relative that makes you the secret royal heir to the Genovia throne. Do you own at least one home? If not, I get it. Home buying can be an overwhelming, confusing process. Start saving. Get another job in addition to the three you already have. You don’t need more than five hours of sleep, especially…
Finding a gift dad will like is hard. Finding a gift he likes that doesn’t remind him that mom is dead is harder. Whether it’s his birthday, Christmas, Hanukkah, Father’s Day, or just to show you care, here are safe gift ideas that won’t make the man, who you’ve never seen cry, break down into an inconsolable puddle of tears. 1. Ten 100 Grand Chocolate Bars. Every dad wants more money! The pressure to be the financial caretaker is real. Throw ten 100 Grand chocolate bars in a bag and tell him, “Here’s a million dollars!” What? Your mom used…
Dear Your Majesty, I hear you trade babies in exchange for granting wishes. And so, I write with exciting news: I have a baby for you! This baby is big, HUGE. It’s the greatest baby the United States has ever seen. It’s technically not my biological baby. But it is America’s baby, and I’m an American. So, I don’t see any problem in offering him up for a trade to have my dreams come true. What do I want? Well, ever since I was a young girl, It has been my dream to have sex with you. You ushered in…