Have you ever wanted to have your own country? Become the ruler of the land? Or do you already own a country and want to restore it to its former glory and simply make it great again? In this how-to guide, created by yours truly, you will learn everything it takes to buy your own country or re-establish your old one to its former glory. I will teach you everything, starting from the pain-free “removal” of the indigenous people to the wealthy billionaires who will build you steps made of million-dollar bills (yes, those exist if you’re a billionaire – trust…
Author: Tim Drake
This letter was received by the Robot Butt staff this week. It’s finally here. I can’t believe I only have six more months of having to pretend like I still care. After all I’ve done for this great country, and they thank me with the possibility of an orange-faced, tiny-handed man child. It’s not good. I can’t trouble myself with this job any longer. Malia had the brilliant idea of taking a gap year before college, and I think she just might be on to something here. Six more months and I’m free. It will be the official Obama gap…
To the guy at the gym who thinks his headphones mask his farts, You may not remember me, but you should. I’m the guy that passed out next to you on the Stairmaster at the gym two weeks ago. I just woke from my coma and the horrible memories came flooding back to me. I remember the most important thing of all. This was all your fault. Do you really think that wearing those gigantic can headphones makes you exempt from the rules of public flatulence? Like they’re a silencer on a gun and you’re some Navy SEAL sniper freeing…
Summertime is upon us and this can only mean one thing: the Republican National Convention is finally here! The scene in Cleveland is heating up for the July 18th kickoff and we want you to know how to keep cool with all of that Republican hot air floating around. This year’s convention brings back the exclusive, much anticipated RNC splash pad. Make sure you get there before Chris Christie does, though (if you don’t, you’ll want to make sure there is still some water left after his ceremonial cannonball). The lines can get long at the splash pad, and we want you…