Author: Tim Gaydos

For generations, when people got past a certain age, they were shipped off to subpar facilities where they would live off the rest of their days playing Bingo and occasionally getting visits from the family members still able to stomach the smell of Werther’s and mothballs. But apparently that isn’t good enough for Baby Boomers. They are forgoing shabby retirement homes and instead splurging on expensive Jimmy Buffet-themed communities. Who do these Boomers think they are? It takes some entitlement to decide that you don’t want to accept generic overpriced services, or that you have standards that aren’t being met…

I love Halloween, guys. I’ve always loved the spookier aspects of storytelling, ever since I was a kid reading Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark and every collection of “true” stories of ghost sightings and chupacabras the school library had. Give me the scariest shit you’ve got, I would tell the librarian, as if she were some kind of emotion dealer. She thought I was very weird. Halloween gives me carte blanche to indulge in my love of the weird and twisted without sticking out. “Let’s watch horror movies!” isn’t considered a great suggestion during Easter, but no one…

Gamers sure do love their gates. This time we have an especially fun one on our hands: #Puddlegate. It revolves around the upcoming Spider-Man game for PS4 and the fact that between a demo released last year and screenshots from the same portion of the game released this year, the developers have reduced/removed puddles from the environment. This led some in the community to complain about downgrading and decry that the game was nothing but lies and a sham and we need to boycott the game, etc. etc. There are a whole slew of technical reasons why this may have…

Ahh, summer is here. Time for cookouts, baseball, and ridiculously high electric bills because even though climate change is a hoax, it keeps getting hotter and hotter every year and the AC has to work overtime to prevent your house from becoming a giant death box. Weird. It is also time for another grand American tradition: fireworks. The grand spectacle of blowing shit up real good. We in general love blowing things up. It’s why we inexplicably watch Michael Bay movies and somehow decided to vote Trump into office. But at least fireworks represent good, wholesome fun, right? Absolutely not.…

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but it seems that within the past few years gender reveal parties have become the big new “it” thing for soon-to-be parents to do. Get all your friends together, bring out a cake, and leave everyone in suspense as you cut into it and reveal what color is on the inside and thus whether or not the bundle-to-be is a boy or girl. Social media is likely largely to blame for the trend becoming such a feed clog, and it is also the reason why cakes are no longer enough. Gender reveal stunts…

A common take that you’ll see in political think pieces is the idea that the two parties and their bases have become too polarized. Why, there used to be a time when people could put aside their differences and still be friends. Nowadays we can’t even enjoy a sitcom about white people blithely dismissing sitcoms that aren’t about white people without making it a big deal, and conservative dudes can’t get dates with liberal women just because they support a creepy old guy who thinks sexual assault is a great ice breaker. Crazy, amiright?! It is the tribalization of politics,…

One of the greatest assets a comedian can have is likability. When the audience is on your side it’s a lot easier to get them laughing, even as you go after targets that might rub people the wrong way. In Decisions Aren’t My Thing, comedian Bill Squire utilizes his natural affability to great effect, producing a fun 42 minutes that always feels light-hearted even when it travels to crasser or taboo territory. Bill covers a wide variety of topics in his new album, much of which could on the surface fall under “guy” humor. But both through his charisma and…

Did you guys see that next Tuesday the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will be added to the roster of characters for Injustice 2? Of course you did, it was the most important piece of news to come out so far this year. The problem, of course, is that they aren’t on the roster now. Which means I need to find ways to occupy my time until I can enact some sweet, mutant ass-kicking on stupid Aquaman’s face. Below is a list of what I’ll be doing while I wait. Hate-Watch Suicide Squad About this time last year I got drunk…

Every year Santa wonders why there’s such high turnover among his elves. It seems after every Christmas he must bring in a new crew to begin work on next year’s toys. Perhaps it is because every year on Christmas Eve, as Santa embarks on his journey, Mrs. Claus gathers the elves. “Russian roulette,” she declares, as it is not a question. All the elves must play. The winners keep their lives. And the losers? Well, reindeer need to eat something, and is very hard to grow food in the North Pole. Very hard indeed.

Santa, It’s Donald, Greatest President Ever. But you know that. You have been waiting for my letter all year. You want to help Make America Great Again, I know. But so far, Santa, you have been failing! Everyone knows it. My approval ratings are very low, which is your fault, and you never got rid of journalism like I asked you last year. This was supposed to be the best year ever, but instead it is terrible! You need to fix this! Because I am a very good president, I will help you fix things so that everything is really…