Author: Tim Gaydos

Christmas is just around the corner, which means it’s time to figure out what presents to get the loved ones in your life. But what do you get them? You’re cash-strapped, and they are asking for things that aren’t feasible as gifts, like having all their student loans paid for or getting a new president. But fear not! Help is here in the form of this handy list, which can help you navigate the gap between what your friends and family want and what you can realistically give them. What They Want: iPhone X What You Can Get Them:…

Just a couple weeks ago I wrote about how loot boxes got a worse rap than they deserved, and that most major games balance the ways you can unlock content so that while you can pay to do things faster, it doesn’t feel like a necessity. Well, I guess EA heard that and said “Hey, let’s make Tim look like an idiot.” As their new Star Wars game Battlefront II nears release, it has become very clear that they got drunk, took a shit on the scales, and tipped the balance way over to the “pay to play” side of…

The world of pop culture was set ablaze last week when word got out that Disney might be buying 20th Century Fox. This was big news, as not only would it allow them to complete their collection of Marvel figures, but it gives them ownership of more big-name franchises. And the best part of owning all these franchises? Crossovers! Yes, everyone loves when things they love are thrown together indiscriminately – Taco Bell has been doing it successfully for years! So to help Disney take full advantage of their potential purchase, I put together a number of movie pitches, which I…

In what is surely genuinely shocking news, the gaming community is pissed off about something. Fortunately, this time the anger isn’t over girls getting their cooties all over games or because games have the gall to cast very fine people as the bad guys. Now the outrage is over the prevalence of loot boxes in games, and fear of the industry adopting a play-to-win mentality. Loot boxes vary slightly from game to game, but the basic utilization is always the same: virtual packages that contain randomly generated items to use in-game. The types of goodies can range from mere aesthetics…

Recently, reports started circulating that White House staffers are now afraid their colleagues might be wearing wires to record conversations and turn them into the Robert Mueller investigation. The bad news for the White House staff is they’re right. But their bad news is your good news, as Robot Butt has gained access to some of these recordings to provide you with insights into the Trump White House: Attorney General Jeff Sessions: You wanted to see me, Mr. President? President Donald Trump: Jeff, I want a cookie. Bring me one of your magic elf cookies. Sessions: Sir, please, I’ve told…

One of the biggest phenomena in pop culture history is back: season seven of Game of Thrones! It’s been a year since the last season ended, and fans have been speculating as to what will come next, myself included. Of course, most fans remembered that the premiere was last night, and so they already know what is going down. Unfortunately I was not one of them, as I put a ball in an empty tissue box for my cat to play with and IT WAS JUST SO ADORABLE and I kind of lost track of time. But I still want…

Sometimes the Internet gives you a gift that you just do not know how to repay. That happened last week when during my routine perusing I came across a fantastic story where people got offended by a Spaceballs joke. In 2017! Here’s a quick recap. Adam Goldberg, creator of the show The Goldbergs, attempted to make a joke using a picture of a broken Dark Helmet figure and criticized the “broken” president and lamented how disappointed he was, and claimed this wasn’t “fixable”, which may have been a good joke if A) we weren’t decades removed from the film’s relevancy…

Dogmatically speaking, Easter is the most important of the Christian holidays. It is also heavy as shit. Even the scrubbed Sunday School telling has a good man accused of bogus crimes he is then brutally murdered for, after which his ghost comes back to advise his grieving friends how to carry on without him. The dark nature of the story is why we shove sugar down the throats of children, to distract them from the horrors of the world. We will all die one day, our legacies determined by those left behind. Enjoy your Cadbury Egg, kids.

Hey girls. Have you been wanting to commune with the dead, but are unable to because you just can’t handle how complicated and, let’s face it, drab Ouija boards are? Well great news! Now you can get your very own Ouija board for women! Obviously this was necessary, and to prove it here’s a list of all the reasons that having a separate Ouija board for the ladies is helpful: It prevents the spread of ghost cooties It goes fabulously with that dress It attracts female spirits, allowing you to summon your feminist army of the dead The bright pink color…

“Punxsutawney Phil has seen his shadow!” I read on my phone, a miniature super computer capable of presenting data from all over the world, and I am thankful we have this rodent to tell us what the weather will be. “What a time to be alive,” I write on Twitter, where I am connected to millions of people all over the globe simultaneously. “Truly we are blessed.”