Dear Mom and Dad, It’s come to my attention that Aunt Suzy walked in on Cousin Leroy masturbating to a pornographic image of me bent over a table in assless chaps while choking on a ball gag. If you give me five minutes of your time, I can explain. As you both know, I lost my job as a carpenter during the height of the pandemic. After several months of unemployment, I broke the news that I had secured a full-time remote position as a marketing coordinator for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You’ve probably pieced together…
Author: Torrey Kurtzner
Torrey Kurtzner
Torrey Kurtzner is an out-of-work writer and master of self-deprecation. Against the better judgment of his peers, he's determined to pursue a career within the creative arts, even if it kills him. He's on Twitter @YabbaDabbZoinks
Over the holidays, I attended a funeral honoring the life of a family member born during the Great Depression. Several neglectful relatives were in charge of curating a playlist to celebrate this individual. The songs selected were so generic it was almost comical. “I heard this melody on a commercial for Carnival Cruise last night,” my aunt told me while chain-smoking a cigarette. “I figured, let’s put it on Grandpa’s playlist.” The song in question was Bobby Darrin’s “Beyond the Sea.” Immediately after this track, Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World” was played, followed by a piano rendition of “Amazing…
In December 2009, MTV premiered a reality television show centering on the clubbing lifestyle of several Italian-Americans who identified themselves with guido/guidette gender pronouns. The program immediately garnered controversy for its subject matter, with several journalists arguing ignorance over harmful stereotypes, toxic masculinity, and depravity. To say I was intrigued would be the ultimate understatement. At the time of its release, I was a sophomore in high school with zero cable access. Desperate for answers, I leaned against the lockers of my peers and proceeded to pick their brains about Jersey Shore. Their responses left me with more questions than…