We enter a television station in upstate New York. Reporter Christine Fabares takes center stage. Cameras buzz around her as crew members begin the t-minus countdown for live air. The countdown concludes, and the WNYSH Sacred Hollow Nightly News theme begins. Christine Fabares: Good evening. I’m Christine Fabares with WNYSHSacred Hollow Nightly News. Our top story tonight: McGruff the Crime Dog is getting rebooted for MAGA times. Created by advertising executive Jack Keil, the original McGruff debuted in 1980. After an initial run of adverts through the American nonprofit organization Ad Council, the bloodhound became a mascot for the National…
Author: Torrey Kurtzner
Torrey Kurtzner
Torrey Kurtzner is an out-of-work writer and master of self-deprecation. Against the better judgment of his peers, he's determined to pursue a career within the creative arts, even if it kills him. He's on Twitter @YabbaDabbZoinks
Dear Mom and Dad, It’s come to my attention that Aunt Suzy walked in on Cousin Leroy masturbating to a pornographic image of me bent over a table in assless chaps while choking on a ball gag. If you give me five minutes of your time, I can explain. As you both know, I lost my job as a carpenter during the height of the pandemic. After several months of unemployment, I broke the news that I had secured a full-time remote position as a marketing coordinator for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You’ve probably pieced together…
Over the holidays, I attended a funeral honoring the life of a family member born during the Great Depression. Several neglectful relatives were in charge of curating a playlist to celebrate this individual. The songs selected were so generic it was almost comical. “I heard this melody on a commercial for Carnival Cruise last night,” my aunt told me while chain-smoking a cigarette. “I figured, let’s put it on Grandpa’s playlist.” The song in question was Bobby Darrin’s “Beyond the Sea.” Immediately after this track, Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World” was played, followed by a piano rendition of “Amazing…
In December 2009, MTV premiered a reality television show centering on the clubbing lifestyle of several Italian-Americans who identified themselves with guido/guidette gender pronouns. The program immediately garnered controversy for its subject matter, with several journalists arguing ignorance over harmful stereotypes, toxic masculinity, and depravity. To say I was intrigued would be the ultimate understatement. At the time of its release, I was a sophomore in high school with zero cable access. Desperate for answers, I leaned against the lockers of my peers and proceeded to pick their brains about Jersey Shore. Their responses left me with more questions than…