Bearly There Briefing Room, Lake Tahoe 4:23 PM PST MS. URSUS, HANK THE TANK’S PUBLICIST: Hello everyone, and thank you for coming. We are holding this press briefing after the breaking news that Hank the Tank, Lake Tahoe’s most prominent bear resident [gestures to giant black bear to her right], is not solely responsible for the spree of home break-ins and “152 reports of conflict behavior.” Mr. Tank was sentenced to euthanasia or relocation for these crimes until the California Department of Fish and Wildlife officials found DNA evidence that at least two other bears were involved. Mr. Tank is excited to talk about his future and…
Author: Viktoria Shulevich
Viktoria Shulevich
Viktoria is a Boston-based writer of humor and children’s books. You can find her writing in McSweeney’s, Points in Case and The Belladonna, or schedule a private reading of select pages of her third-grade diary.
Scene 1: It’s snowing outside, in a fake-foamy-movie-way that clings to your shoes unnaturally. We are inside Macy’s department store; there’s a very long customer service line. — Debbie is wearing a blue sweater that matches her eyes and a black skirt that flatters her butt. She is waiting in line holding a gift box and glancing at her watch. Ben is in line behind her. He is wearing dad jeans that do nothing for his butt and a gray button-down shirt. He is also holding a large gift box and tapping his foot impatiently. Debbie lets out an audible…