Author: Walt Braley

Hello wealthy animal lovers! If you are reading this, then I already know you have a huge heart and are a major dog enthusiast just like me! I also assume you’re way more likely to help save a quirky dog than a boring old human. Which is good, because I have a dog. He is my other half and such a loyal companion. Unfortunately, this adorable ball of fur had a small, non-fatal accident. That is why I am humbly asking that you help me afford surgery for my awesome canine, Michael Harper. No one with a soul can sit…

Alright, listen up. I’ve been hearing a lot of talk around town that the Pacini crime family is getting soft. If I’m not misinformed, and we all know that Jimmy “The Brain” Pacini is never misinformed, then these murmurs got started after a particular somebody had a hand in putting seven of my brothers and sisters in the slammer a little over a year ago. Well, let me tell you a couple things about the Pacini family. First, nobody crosses us and gets away with it. Now, I know you’re thinking “that slimeball brother of yours that signed a plea…

Recently I, human reporter Walt Braley, wrote an investigative piece where I made audacious, unsubstantiated, and downright ridiculous claims that there could be mutant slugs with the power to control our feeble human minds. Even sillier, I suggested these slugs could already be a threat, living among us in secret hives.  I, of my own free will, wanted to take this time to follow up on that report, as there has been a multitude of new evidence confirming that these rumored slugs are nothing to worry about. In fact, mutated slugs that have the ability to slither into your ear…

Aficionados of great art, welcome to my cubicle of emotion. My name is Pascal Warbley, and I am the artist who the internet (after a major social media push I started myself) has finally begun calling the “Office Appliance Artist.” As I’m sure it is only a matter of days, if not hours, until I am known all over the world, it is with great charity that I am going to take the time to let you all in on my creative processes. To begin, just like all the greats before me, I look at the boring mundanity that is…

Help us at [REDACTED] raise enough bones to complete the ancient ritual needed to summon Eutheromn and usher in the Age of Nightmares.  We are beyond excited to share our project of bringing forth one of the most horrid manifestations of the forgotten era. Even more, we are ecstatic to make the next great servant of terror YOU! In order to ensure this important vision is seen to completion we need a large surplus of bones to be linked end to end in the shape of the sacred Borkragian hexagon. We are humbly asking that all the children of hatred send…

5-Star Review: DK015 Hooyman Machete With Ergonomic No-Slip Handle By User: FinalGirl_7 Let me immediately say that I am not happy about this rating. I wanted nothing more than to be able to sit here and bash this machete, but ultimately I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It arguably ruined my life, but its performance while doing so was a showcase of proper design. This machete appeared to be what I was looking for (and later proved to be what someone else was apparently looking for as well). I have been doing some landscaping at my uncle’s getaway cabin…

Source: Universal Pictures Any horror fan who goes out of their way to be annoying about their fandom like I do knows there’s nothing more frustrating than when someone messes up or confuses the name of one of the iconic slasher villains. There’s a reason I ask every date if they can name them all and if they get it wrong I get up and leave the Burger King. This type of thing is exactly why I am livid about the title of the latest entry in the long-running Halloween series. See, despite now having had over forty years to learn…

Doctor Delphin, it’s been some time.  Never mind how I got into your lab. Let’s just say the security here has its blind spots. Who am I? But doctor, we’ve met before. Last week, when you tested that godforsaken machine of yours. You still don’t recognize me? Maybe it’s because of this large overcoat, these mittens, or the giant scarf wrapped around my face up to my oversized sunglasses. Let’s see if you recognize me once I take them off… Yes! I have disappeared! Look at what you’ve done to me doctor! Oh, wait, you can’t, because of your “marvelous”…

Nashville resident Rick Poole was so inspired by the recent Friends reunion that he decided to recreate the magic in his own life. The special, released directly to HBO Max earlier this year, featured the core cast members of the hit sitcom reuniting in a recreation of the show’s set. Once there, they reminisced and shared stories almost twenty years after the airing of the final episode. Poole thought, “if they can do it, why can’t I,” and decided to host his own reunion, inviting the five other people he worked with at a Burger King twenty years ago.  “I…

Greetings wonderful Maynardville (and NO ONE ELSE)!  It’s that time once again where we here at the town events committee are delighted to invite everyone who lives in our quaint little town to our annual leftover fireworks extravaganza! And, just like with previous years, I absolutely mean it when I say everyone who lives in OUR town! Where are my manners? I know we’ve had a lot of newcomers move into town since the state news did that story on farmer Johnson’s giant gourd. For those who may have only recently moved into town, every year we buy all the…