Author: Walt Braley

With season six of the hit CW drama Riverdale coming back from its midseason break on March 20th, speculation on what is in store for the beloved cast of characters is at an all-time high. Here’s a quick rundown of where all of our favorites were at the end of the midseason finale, and a glimpse of what might be next for them, guaranteed by the teaser to be “the most shocking, surprising, and unexpected episodes yet.” Archie: Arguably the main character of Riverdale, Archie Adkins spent the first half of this season navigating a tense love triangle involving Betty…

We didn’t send this letter to you directly, but if you’re reading it right now, we both know it’s meant for you. You may have noticed your texts were unanswered yesterday, or that someone was missing during your nightly routine of watching exactly three episodes of Modern Family before bed. Let’s cut to the chase. We took them. We have the person closest to you, and if you ever want to see them again, we have some demands. Okay, after some reshuffling we actually only have one demand. Pick the restaurant where you two will be eating tonight. We had…

Finally, after Halo has dominated the pop culture landscape for twenty years, Paramount is striking while the iron is hot and making a television show based on the game series. Originally slated to come to the silver screen shortly after Halo 3’s 2007 release, the Halo series will debut this month on the world’s most popular streaming service, Paramount+. With this new master chief adventure surely being worth the wait, both fans and Paramount+ executives are wondering what else from 2007 is ripe for adaptation into a straight-to-streaming series.  8. Guitar Hero Following the success of all those musical biopics…

It will come as no surprise that our previous top ten lists ranking the best basketball, baseball, and football players of all time proved to be viral smash hits, far exceeding the expectations of the site. I mean, even though our lists of the best soccer, tennis, and golf players of all time didn’t reach anywhere near the same amount of success, they easily received thousands more hits than a typical comedy article does. So, keeping in mind that people love sports lists and that we love ad revenue, the team here at Robot Butt finally decided it was time…

You cannot stop me. You cannot kill me. Soon, I will be inside of your home.  You do not want me to come inside your home? I would very much like to be inside your home. I could easily place myself in your car or even your purse, but that will not please me. It is not my desire. No, I plan to come completely unimpeded into your house. Who do you think I am? What do you think I am? I am not a child. I am not human. I am ageless. I am flat. I am Stanley. I…

That’s right, enjoy your weight loss and new hobby resolutions, amateurs. I am going in a whole new direction this year. After the absolute bummer of a year I just had (multiple threats on my life, friends, and family), I am doing a full revamp (government-funded relocation).  I know resolutions are hard to stick to and life is unpredictable. I mean, my resolution last year wasn’t to witness local Chattanooga weatherman Carl Fisher choke a production assistant to death, but you know what they say God does when we make plans. Regardless, Fisher’s hired goons will have a lot of…

Hello wealthy animal lovers! If you are reading this, then I already know you have a huge heart and are a major dog enthusiast just like me! I also assume you’re way more likely to help save a quirky dog than a boring old human. Which is good, because I have a dog. He is my other half and such a loyal companion. Unfortunately, this adorable ball of fur had a small, non-fatal accident. That is why I am humbly asking that you help me afford surgery for my awesome canine, Michael Harper. No one with a soul can sit…

Alright, listen up. I’ve been hearing a lot of talk around town that the Pacini crime family is getting soft. If I’m not misinformed, and we all know that Jimmy “The Brain” Pacini is never misinformed, then these murmurs got started after a particular somebody had a hand in putting seven of my brothers and sisters in the slammer a little over a year ago. Well, let me tell you a couple things about the Pacini family. First, nobody crosses us and gets away with it. Now, I know you’re thinking “that slimeball brother of yours that signed a plea…

Recently I, human reporter Walt Braley, wrote an investigative piece where I made audacious, unsubstantiated, and downright ridiculous claims that there could be mutant slugs with the power to control our feeble human minds. Even sillier, I suggested these slugs could already be a threat, living among us in secret hives.  I, of my own free will, wanted to take this time to follow up on that report, as there has been a multitude of new evidence confirming that these rumored slugs are nothing to worry about. In fact, mutated slugs that have the ability to slither into your ear…

Aficionados of great art, welcome to my cubicle of emotion. My name is Pascal Warbley, and I am the artist who the internet (after a major social media push I started myself) has finally begun calling the “Office Appliance Artist.” As I’m sure it is only a matter of days, if not hours, until I am known all over the world, it is with great charity that I am going to take the time to let you all in on my creative processes. To begin, just like all the greats before me, I look at the boring mundanity that is…