Author: Walt Braley

Help us at [REDACTED] raise enough bones to complete the ancient ritual needed to summon Eutheromn and usher in the Age of Nightmares.  We are beyond excited to share our project of bringing forth one of the most horrid manifestations of the forgotten era. Even more, we are ecstatic to make the next great servant of terror YOU! In order to ensure this important vision is seen to completion we need a large surplus of bones to be linked end to end in the shape of the sacred Borkragian hexagon. We are humbly asking that all the children of hatred send…

5-Star Review: DK015 Hooyman Machete With Ergonomic No-Slip Handle By User: FinalGirl_7 Let me immediately say that I am not happy about this rating. I wanted nothing more than to be able to sit here and bash this machete, but ultimately I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It arguably ruined my life, but its performance while doing so was a showcase of proper design. This machete appeared to be what I was looking for (and later proved to be what someone else was apparently looking for as well). I have been doing some landscaping at my uncle’s getaway cabin…

Source: Universal Pictures Any horror fan who goes out of their way to be annoying about their fandom like I do knows there’s nothing more frustrating than when someone messes up or confuses the name of one of the iconic slasher villains. There’s a reason I ask every date if they can name them all and if they get it wrong I get up and leave the Burger King. This type of thing is exactly why I am livid about the title of the latest entry in the long-running Halloween series. See, despite now having had over forty years to learn…

Doctor Delphin, it’s been some time.  Never mind how I got into your lab. Let’s just say the security here has its blind spots. Who am I? But doctor, we’ve met before. Last week, when you tested that godforsaken machine of yours. You still don’t recognize me? Maybe it’s because of this large overcoat, these mittens, or the giant scarf wrapped around my face up to my oversized sunglasses. Let’s see if you recognize me once I take them off… Yes! I have disappeared! Look at what you’ve done to me doctor! Oh, wait, you can’t, because of your “marvelous”…

Nashville resident Rick Poole was so inspired by the recent Friends reunion that he decided to recreate the magic in his own life. The special, released directly to HBO Max earlier this year, featured the core cast members of the hit sitcom reuniting in a recreation of the show’s set. Once there, they reminisced and shared stories almost twenty years after the airing of the final episode. Poole thought, “if they can do it, why can’t I,” and decided to host his own reunion, inviting the five other people he worked with at a Burger King twenty years ago.  “I…

Greetings wonderful Maynardville (and NO ONE ELSE)!  It’s that time once again where we here at the town events committee are delighted to invite everyone who lives in our quaint little town to our annual leftover fireworks extravaganza! And, just like with previous years, I absolutely mean it when I say everyone who lives in OUR town! Where are my manners? I know we’ve had a lot of newcomers move into town since the state news did that story on farmer Johnson’s giant gourd. For those who may have only recently moved into town, every year we buy all the…

I would like to clear the air and make a bold claim that I have been sitting on for quite some time now. Secret agent and pop culture icon James Bond can’t be that good at killing people. I know, who am I to possibly make such an accusation? Well, that’s the thing – he has shot his sidearm directly at me to start every movie he has ever been in, and he hasn’t hit me a single time. I’m bringing this up now because the whole ordeal has gone from terrifying, to annoying, to flat-out sad. At first, the…

Okay, I’m doing it. Just don’t hurt them.  Hot Tub Time Machine. You could argue that Steve Pink’s 2010 comedy is just another silly, forgettable studio romp, but… arguing that would ultimately spell doom for the most believed people in my life. So instead, the argument that needs to be made is that the film is subtly a deep well of filmic auteurism that goes far deeper than its shallow-appearing surface would imply. Yeah, it’s that, I guess.  The Destruction of History Through the Lens of Parody (Please Don’t Hurt Them) LEFT: Rob Corddry gets wet and wild. RIGHT: My…

While it pains me to waste pages responding to such a ridiculous accusation, It has been brought to my attention that many of you have misunderstood the point of one of my recent pieces. The article in question is, of course, “Free as Bird, Looking for Release,” published last week in The New York Times op-ed section. In the piece I spoke from the perspective of a pigeon solely because I was trying to use the metaphor to symbolize the free-spirited nature of my city life. I was, I repeat, not, implying that I have been shitting on peoples’ cars. …

Listen, Washington Generals, I’m not going to beat around the bush here. I think you need me. Despite the fact that you play the same team every single game, over the course of sixty-nine years, your record is estimated to be something like three wins and (approximately) 19,000 losses. This tells me one thing: that nobody on your staff has ever done a decent scouting report. Well, Washington Generals front office, get a coaching contract ready, because I’m about to blow the door wide open on your archrivals, the Harlem Globetrotters.  The Globetrotters are good basketball players. There’s no downplaying…